A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Please can I get some advice, I think my husband is up to something...Several weeks ago my husband had an issue with his car so it had to be in the dealership workshop for 9 days and they were unable to give him a loan car. I gave him my car for the duration as it was easier for me to get a bus to work rather than him getting alternate transport as he works further away...My husband always leave half hour before me to get to work as it take him a while to get there. The 3rd day he had my car my colleague at work came over to me and asked if I enjoyed the gym that morning- I had no clue what she was on about as I don't belong to a gym and got the bus straight in to work... She explained she a goes to that gym for yoga before she comes in to work and saw my car there (I have a personalised plate and the sticker of the company we work for stuck to my bumper) so she couldn't have been wrong. My husband also isn't part of a gym so this surprised me.I told my husband this when I saw him that evening and he said that she was mistaken as he doesn't even know the gym she was on about...2 days later my sister thought she saw my car parked outside M and S -at 7pm at night- my husband texted me to say he had to work late - so the times added up however this specific M and S was nowhere near his work so it would have been a bit of a detour for him to go. When he came in I causally asked if he had by any chance popped in to the shop and he said no- he'd come straight home....My husband also sometimes has to go in on a Saturday - so that Saturday he went to work- I wasn't feeling great so stayed in. I then got a text from my friend asking if I was by any chance still at a specific hotel as she works opposite and saw my car parked in the hotel car park as she was walking in to the shop where she works and if I wanted to meet up for a drink..I texted her back saying I was ill at home and my husband had my car....When my husband got in I showed him her text and he got angry and said she needed her eyes testing as he was in the office not in a hotel....By this point I was really worried so as soon as he got in the shower I went in the garage and got in the car to find evidence of some sort but found nothing- I'm not even sure what I was looking for..,We have been together in total 17 years and married for 5- I have never had any reason to not trust him and we have a good life and sex life etc.....We live in a small town so Either there is an identical car to mine out there or Is he up to something? What do I do? If I confront him he will just deny anything - do I snoop around more?
View related questions:
at work, sex life, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Ever the optimist but... he's not been out planning/ buying Valentines surprises for you by any chance has he?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 Well, not having a shared bank account do make it harder to see what's going on/what purchases he has made.
I do think it's pretty odd that your car was sighted so much over one week in places he claims to NOT have been.
Maybe, Auntie Cindy's suggestion to show up unannounced at his work on a Saturday he claims to be there - can bring a nice lunch or suggest you go out FOR lunch together if he has time - could be an option.
But I would start by talking to him. IF he gets mad, OK doesn't mean you don't have a right to question it or him. I'd just hold off on making accusations, for now. You two have been married long enough for this to be an issue to talk about, not just sweep under the rug.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 Well, but if you have a vanity plate then it must have been your car . I mean, maybe your car is of a popular colour and make which would explain the " sightings " , but.... how many , say, " GOODWIFE 123 " plates can there be in your county and small town ??!
Let's forget about your sister who wasn't sure, - but if your friend was sure that it was your car, to the point of calling you to get together - I don't think she would have called just because she had seen, say, a grey Ford Focus or a black Volkswagen Golf, - she must have seen your vanity plate in that hotel parking lot.
I am normally not a suspicious type and that's why often I tell posters with trust issues " Naah,... don't get carried away by your insecurities...don't be paranoid... " but honestly this sounds quite fishy.
So, either you are assertive enough to take the bull by the horns and don't back off until you have got an explanation from him of how YOUR CAR, if not himself, ended up in that parking lot on a Saturday morning. Or, next time he's called to work on Saturday- you decide to make him an impromptu visit. A little surprise. If he's there ... you are just being a loving wife that brought him some tasty snack for his overtime hours. If he is not there, or the office is closed altogether, ... then he definitely will have some 'splaining to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): I posted this & firstly thank you to everyone who responded & I just wanted to clarify a few things that people have mentioned as some of you have made me feel I'm in the wrong:
1. My sister, friend & work colleague DO NOT know each other therefore aren't not plotting against my marriage. In addition none of them knew I lent him my car- it's not something I would discuss with them as it has nothing to do with them.
2. It's because we have been together 17 years I'm worried to talk ti him- for 2 reasons:
1. If it is all innocent then he will be mad I don't trust him & 2. if he isn't innocent then I'm scared - without him in nothing- I love him so much. But I agree I need to speak to him directly.
3. We do not share a bank account- we have 1 joint account for bills which we put in an amount each every month from our individual accounts so neither of us has access to the others account & our banks no longer send us paper bank statements, it's all done digitally now via Internet banking (which obviously I dont have his passcode for).
4. I don't see his pay slip - we have never asked to see each other's pay slip. and as the above point I dint know the exact amount he is paid as it goes directly in to HIS individual account.
5.Nothing has changed in his grooming or appearance.
6. I only call him if I need to know or get him to do something urgently- if I just started to randomly call him no doubt it'd annoy him further.
7. My sister only THOUGHT she saw my car so I'm not taking this 1 too seriously.
The only "nosey" woman was my colleague as she really is 1 of those women that nothing gets passed but as for my friend she just noticed my car & wanted to meet up in her lunch break.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (8 February 2016):
 I'm really surprised that after 17 years together, you cant even talk to your husband about something as simple as this! Where's the communication in the marriage? Why the need to snoop around and why do you even think that you'll catch him red handed when he's given you no reason to do otherwise?
I'm rather amazed that so many of your friends seem to know exactly which your car is and are so sure about it. Its surprising people have nothing better to do!
If it still bothers you then just talk to your husband and stop snooping around. All I'll say is that, after 17 years of togetherness if you trust outsiders and not your own husband, then something's not quite right. Anyway just talk to him, tell him everything that you've told us and be prepared that he'll get angry...anyone would...but that's the risk you should be willing to take for your own peace of mind.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): What's your plan if you uncover something? Keep digging and snooping' but be sure you know what you plan to do, once you discover the truth. Be prepared to handle it.
To be honest, I find it particularly odd that people call you to tell you they've seen your car. I take it you don't go any place or do anything? They are always on the lookout for your car, and you have to account for your time and whereabouts?
I think there are two nosy women in your life, and they are insinuating that your husband is cheating. I also suspect that they have been discussing it between the two of them.
Sure you're not embellishing a bit to justify snooping and your suspicions?
It's no coincidence. If you ask me, it's the behavior of scornful women being busybodies; or out to do damage to your marriage. Why don't they take a phone-shot and put some evidence behind it? They know you aren't using your car, and they're too much into your business. Whether it's true he's up to something or not. They're always in the right place at the right time. I find it pretty sloppy that he would do this, if your town is that small. It ought to be easy to punch holes in his alibi, if he wasn't at work.
I also find it quite odd that you can't call your husband on the job through his general work-line. You don't notice any additional overtime on his pay-stubs? You don't read your bank statements, or notice unusual mileage on your car?
Stop beating around the bush, come right out and tell him what you've been told and what you think about it. Demand he explain two sightings of your vehicle. If he insists he's at work, insist on proof to back it up. I'd think he'd do anything to clear his name and put your suspicions to rest. Saying they need to get their eyes checked sounds pretty lame. Even stupid. That's two sightings and hard odds to beat. If I were in his position, I'd account for my time and whereabouts, and put an end the nonsense.
Since you've listened to your sister and friend, you may as well get all this out in the open and deal with it. Let him get angry; but account for his time to prove those women wrong. If they are wrong, tell them to butt out of your marriage. Why is it so important for them to follow-up on where they've seen your car? I smell something fishy here!
If they are right that it was your car they saw; and he refuses to put this thing to rest, get a divorce lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row. Enough with playing detective. Face this like adults. If he's innocent, he should have no problem proving it. He should be eager to do so. That is, if your trust is important to him. Unless you have a history of being paranoid and suspicious. He'll use it against you.
If he was up to something, I wonder why they never noticed "his" car in odd places at odd times?
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (7 February 2016):
I remember I went shopping with my brother who had this very very green Renault car . We had went shopping and he asked me to take the bags we had back to the car as he was looking after his son so off I went to the car park spotted the car and used the key but it wouldn't open .. so I kept trying. I then heard a voice, saying " why are you at my car " .
I was very adamant that the car was my brothers and then laughingly he pointed to an identical car sitting across and up from his . I was mortified .
So can it happen .. my own experience yes it can .. so I would do as honey pie said ..tread carefully .. and I second her advise totally .
Take care and chin up
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): Snoop around only if you are ready to find out something unpleasant.
If you would rather to just keep going then do nothing about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2016):
I'd first look around at work for an identical or similar vehicle. If you find none all week, then I might snoop.
I think it's gone past the whole, just trust him. Too many odd things.
One thing though is this normal? For friend of yours to pry so much to your movements? Like - the whole were you at so-so hotel today?
Let's look at this from the two angles:
1. he is innocent.
2. he is NOT.
If he IS innocent it explains why he got mad. It's 3 times in one week that he gets accused of being/doing thing he isn't. So as it stands his behavior in not strange. And it would also make sense WHY he is denying it. And having clandestine trysts in YOUR car in YOUR little town would be... well... VERY stupid.
If he is NOT innocent, he is not exactly careful, is he? Shouldn't be too hard to have a look at the bank statement to see if he went to M&S that day/time your friend thought she saw your car. Same with the hotel. Check the bank statement for odd payments. That would be my first reaction. I would NOT snoop on his phone, it's not not OK. Checking a bank statement IS.
Is there anything about him that gives you the notion that he is doing anything untoward? Like new regiment of grooming, new aftershave, excessive showers?
If the bank statement shows nothing, his behavior shows nothing I would work on trusting him instead.
...............................
|
