A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi, So last year I was talking to a guy online. We met online and spoke for a while, including messaging and video calling. And yes the messages quickly turned quite sexual as you'd expect. It was all just innocent "fun" but then he suggested we met, so I went along with it and we met publicly of course. I was honestly just expecting us to talk and get to know each other and what not, I guess my mind was somewhat innocent back then.. So anyway, long story short we found a quiet spot and started getting intimate. We didn't have sex(I'm still a virgin) but we were so close to. He wanted to but I wasn't ready and for some miraculous reason he accepted that and didn't force me into anything. There was touching and kissing places and whatever, which I guess was fun, but looking back I hate myself for stooping to that level of hooking up with a stranger. Even worse, I felt so disgusting afterwards that I blocked him, so we haven't spoken on about 6 months since it happened. I'd never been intimate at all with a guy before and I'm ashamed that I did this but it's like as soon as his hands and lips touched me I lost all common sense.I've never had a boyfriend and figured why not? Why not just go ahead what's the point in waiting? But now my sense is back and I've remembered why I've stayed a virgin this long unlike most people my age. I guess I seek your thoughts on the whole situation? How can I stop myself from getting into another situation like this, where I might not be so in control? It scares me that this guy (a near total stranger) could have taken maximum advantage of me, yet chose not to. I'm a teenager and sometimes I just get to that point where I would jump on any guy. Figuratively speaking. Hormones I guess and I don't know how to control them. I want to forget about what i did last year but it will never go and I have to accept that it's a part of my past not. He's a part of my past.. Any advice please??? Other than to tell me how pathetic I am.
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kissing, met online, never had a boyfriend, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): It looks like you learned a lesson now forgive yourself.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 Please be VERY aware of the dangers of with whom it is you may think you have been chatting. A very sad but insightful read.
www.carlyryanfoundation.com/carlys_story
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): Dear younger version of me,Also like other Aunts say, Online dating is a horrible option. More than 60 per cent of them are there only for SEX. Plain and clear. And the rest 40 per cent are older adults looking for a practical match. These adults go by calculated thoughts as opposed to emotions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): dear younger version of me,You aren't pathetic. This is part of life. I'd say always be careful and live life practically. If you save your virginity there's no guarantee that the person you end up with will be 'THE ONE' and then girls like us will stick around only because we lost our virginity to them and not because we are in a happy relationship. At the same time, don't get physical without being sure of how far the relationship might go and if it is worth the emotional attachment you will carry there after. When the age, time and person is right, you can go ahead with surety. However, do not look it it in the point of view of virginity. This concept is delusional in today's world where a successful relationship is established over trials and errors. Also, some realities don't surface until you're past the sex phase of the relationship. It's but natural.You are very young and impressionable and not mentally ready for sex as you're still cringing at the physical contact you had. Which means that you are not out of your 'childhood' yet. (IMO) With the level of moral integrity that you possess, I'd suggest you to wait for a good relationship and a good match, all of which does not even apply to a person of your age. Most importantly, when you are a girl, you can be taken advantage of/manipulated/played easily, especially with an older guy. When you're a woman, no one can play the fool with you. When you are a girl, you may sought after bad guys or even unknowingly choose the bad ones. When you're a grown woman, you look for a match that keeps you happy, not occupied. At your age having a BF is a fun thing, by the time you date a bunch of jerks and reach 25, being single is a fun thing. Just random facts that will help you in making better decisions for yourself. And consider a case where you get into a serious relationship now. Even if you do find a long lasting relationship now, the choice of partner could prove to be foolish/invalid in future and then it would hurt badly to break up. Because both you and your partner would have grown into different adults from what you are now, have diff levels of qualifications, diff thinking, diff expectations etc. (very likely) and you will be able to see negative qualities of the person that you couldn't see earlier/overlooked due to your lack of exposure ie. age. It's like trying to drive a car over a half built flyover. I know how it is at that age. It's like nothing matters you just want a man to love. I'm glad you recognize this. But please don't act on it and if you do act on it, try to have a rational outlook and not attach your feelings to unworthy males, because there are too many of them. Sad but true.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (6 June 2016):
No you are not pathetic and you don't need to feel ashamed. You can learn and grow from this experience.
First, if things quickly turn sexual, that gives you an indication of what the person wants. He probably thought you wanted a hookup and you probably weren't sure yourself what your own expectations were. If they aren't focusing on finding out about you and persistent even when you ask them to desist from the sexual stuff, see it as a red flag and walk away.
On dates, set clear boundaries. No quiet places: keep the whole thing public. Speak up if anything makes you uncomfortable. You need to build a relationship with some-one first at your pace. Never compromise that.
Last time you entered an unknown situation and got carried away in the moment because you didn't think it out first. You now need to move on: no-one is judging you for it. Be kind to yourself and remember that if you set your own rules and boundaries, you won't find yourself in this situation again. And one more thing: intimacy will be so much more wonderful when you are ready and know how much they care about you.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 The subject of sex will turn up sooner or later. It's up to you to stop it, to not discuss it. You didn't stop him, so he saw it as an invitation to go further than just talking about it. You can say to a guy, that you don't talk about sex until there is a relationship established. Hormones are a part of you. Feeling sexual is natural. You can't say to your body, slow down, and not feel horny. The only thing you can do is to take it slow with the guy or not date until you feel ready for sex. It's very normal that you don't want sex at age 16. I didn't even start my first relationship at 19. I thought to myself, I didn't know where I was going to live in the future, how I was going to make money, so dating was out of question. Sex, is a part of relationship but at the same time I don't see many guys who are okay with having a nonsexual relationship. They just don't see the point unless they have their own reasons for waiting. Such as morals, religion, and the most common one, not having his own place. As much as your body wants sex, your mind says you shouldn't have it. Ironically it is your desire for men that prompted you into dating. To make life simpler and not having to have a fight between mind and body, I think it's better to wait until you don't find sex scary, or victimizing anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): You're not pathetic. You used bad judgement. That's because you're young and went in over your head. Dating sites are really for adults; although some are now catering to younger teen subscribers. The scary thing about that is, you don't know who is on the other end until you meet them. That's when you make yourself vulnerable to who knows what?
Do you have your parents' permission to be on a dating site?
Coming to strangers online asking for advice in this area is going around the people who have that responsibility and authority. Your parents.
Your safety depends on good instincts, maturity, and the ability to make sound decisions. That comes with time, age, and experience. You may be intelligent, but some things you have to rely on experience to handle.
There are enough dating choices available to meet guys in your age-group at school and in your town. Face to face, without the mystery of who they may turn out to be.
We adults turn to online dating due to certain restrictions on our lives; or types of people we wish to date. We have demanding careers, working on degrees, we may have kids, getting older, or live in towns with few prospects. Teenagers rarely have such problems. It's just fun and curiosity for you. You have few restrictions, like a job and a couple of kids! Age is only a problem if the guy you meet turns out to be a man in his 30's; and he submitted a fake profile! Facebook is fine, but some of my adult girlfriends have been duped by married-men with fake Facebook profiles. Some had several identities!!!
Messaging and meeting-up with strangers is placing your very life in the hands of possible criminals. Profiles and pics can be totally fake. Reaching outside the familiar and safe confinements of your local area, takes you into vast unknown areas of the internet. Which exposes you to pedophiles, trolls, and a variety of freaks and deviants. Adults twice your age have trouble navigating around these creeps.
It's best to meet people with a group of your friends at a public place. Your parents really should know when you're meeting people. Do not be alone with strangers, or you could get ambushed; or forced into a vehicle. You could get doped and something unmentionable could happen. The person you meet may not be alone. You may be intelligent, but these creeps are clever, elusive from the law, and very experienced at deception and luring naive young people to them.
Give yourself a couple of years. Meet guys you can meet face to face. It's okay to chat online. If you know they're local and your parents are aware of who you're chatting with. You place yourself in grave danger when go behind their backs to meet guys.
There was a news show that had a piece on parents who have taught their teens about not trusting strangers, and not allowing them entrance into their homes. These were good parents who repeated their rules and warnings over and over. Left alone, 9 out of 10 kids trusted total strangers; because they were attractive and friendly. The violators were mostly teenage girls. The 10th and wisest was boy. A stranger came to the door offering trial use of new video games and other cool stuff. He asked the kid if he wanted to come out to his truck and try them out. Parents viewed their kids as it happened on closed-circuit video screens. The only reason that 10th teen did not go out to the truck, is because his younger brother reminded him what his parents said. He then changed his mind.
So, allowing your parents to guide and protect you will save you from your own mistakes. That's their right and responsibility. Their job. Sneaking around to do things to avoid their detection or break their restrictions, will place you in scary situations; or worse!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 June 2016):
 Oh, another thing I'd add is to avoid sexual conversations when you're not ready to be sexual in person - the reason being that, whilst you don't *ever* owe them sex, it leads them on to think you want it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 June 2016):
You're lucky this guy was so decent, which you know, but the best way to avoid this is to stay in complete public view. I mean, you were smart enough to meet there, you should have stayed there.You're not pathetic; feelings run away with us sometimes. Take it as a reminder that you're not ready and that the privacy situation is best avoided, as you know not all guys are that understanding. Lesson learned, don't beat yourself up about it :)
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