A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have boyfriend trouble... He's a good guy, and I love him, but there are these moments when everything goes wrong and it's been happening more often lately. He'll get upset with me because of something I said or did, and get angry and turns away from me. When I ask him what's wrong he wont tell me. But everything in his body language tells me something is wrong. Last night it happened again. This time I went to sleep without trying to pester him into telling me what's wrong, but then in the middle of the night I woke up by him just up and leaving and being rough with the doors. Finally he said what was wrong, that he had wanted us to have sex that night, but we didn't. He also said that comments I had made about his receiving messages late at night were negative, that they took away all the joy from receiving messages. Those messages do bother me. There are people who text him through the night, and the light on his phone wakes me up! Also there was a girl who used to send him late night messages until I asked him to stop contacting her, because she was romantically interested in him. I worry that it's her messaging him again. Im just so tired of these fights and arguments. I went to sleep on the couch last night and cried, this isn't how I want things to be. He came to comfort me when he heard me crying, which just makes me so confused. First he's frustrated and angry with me, of course it upsets me, and then he comforts me? I don't understand this, it confuses me. What should I do? Take a break? Try to better our communication? Or is this not possible to fix?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much! After the fight we had, which I posted about, he's been sweet and kind to me again. And yes, right now I am thinking it was all in my imagination. And it makes it so hard to see what is right.
But Im not sure if he's doing it consciously or not. Which makes it so hard, because it makes me think that he can work on it, and then it will stop and everything will be fine. But I know, most probably this is just the way he is, and it wont ever change. Im trying to give it some time now and see how it goes. Ive set the time to one month, to see if his behaviour changes.
I know that if people actually want to, they can change and control these "outbursts". I have hope, I always have hope in my relationships. Time will show me what is the right choice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): Hi there
This is manipulation, pure and simple. I've been through it all with three men and have learned to recognise what is 'normal' behaviour in a relationship and what is being practised on you to manipulative you. I understand that when you come across this behaviour it is so frustrating and confusing and upsetting. You rack your brains about what might be wrong and what you can do etc etc. I am not convinced in the slightest that you are crying for any other reason that you are upset. I am like you also, rarely cry, but on occasions when you are being treated like this, unless you have experienced you don't know the feelings it can induce. I do.
Listen to what he is saying
1. By you commenting on him receiving text messages you are 'taking away his joy at receiving messages' !! Oh please! What is he, five? That comment right there is so familiar, that attitude that anything you may feel is not important and trying to make you feel bad for mentioning it. A very silly thing to say also, he could 'have joy' in the day. It has nothing to do with 'joy' but everything about making you think twice about telling him things that bother you. Result? He gets to receive texts in the middle of the night and you aren't supposed to say a word, even if you suspect they may be from another woman. What?!!
2. You are supposed to be a mind reader about whether he wants sex. Something that could easily have been discussed, he could have made a move if he wanted sex. But no, banging doors and being passive/aggressive TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD!!!
You said that this is getting worse. It will. It does. Again he's training you to behave as he sees fit. Now you will always see if he wants sex before going to sleep, or initiate it so he can't be horrible about it again and then perhaps he will receive a message from another woman and you lie there, not saying anything. Great for him huh? Would you ever dream of behaving the way he is behaving? I seriously doubt it. Would you wake him up banging about because you wanted something and he didn't give it to you, even though he hadn't known?
Something else this type of men do, they upset you for things that are totally unreasonable and then they turn nice. You never know what's coming next. This is a tactic. Has he ever belittled what you are feeling? What he might have done? Do you ever see a look of smug enjoyment on his face when he's hurt you?
Trying to have a heart to heart is pointless. He may, if in the mood, say everything you wish to hear and try to find a way to go from here. Bet your bottom dollar nothing changes. He doesn't want it to change.
How do I know this? I have been through it too. My abusive ex would try and turn me on by doing things much too fast. It was very unfeeling, uncaring and made it difficult for me to come. I used to try and say nicely 'Try a bit slower, I'll come faster' but he never too any notice. It got so that sex was all about him, I was literally an afterthought every time. I am also very ticklish, he would squeeze my thigh in bed when we were just watching tele and it would make me jump cos I'm sensitive. He would sigh, roll his eyes and suck air in through his teeth like I was the worst person in the world! Then he would do it harder and I remember trying to put up with the pain and not react so he wouldn't get angry! Exactly as you describe with your reactions when 'making love'.
You become conditioned to walk around them on eggshells all the time to avoid upsetting them. Maybe afterwards they are lovely and wonderful and you think, well maybe it's my imagination. It's not.
Do you feel as if you can never do anything right?
Do you feel as if you are living with two different people?
I have read a lot about this type of man. He is abusive. You know there is something wrong and you don't know what it is. He is emotionally abusing you at the moment. If you stay with him, other forms of abuse may sneak in, verbal, physical, mental cruelty.
Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He has worked with abusive men for fifteen years and your boyfriend's behaviour is written in this book. You can then decide for yourself if this is what you are experiencing. But you know and I know, from what you've said (and what I've been through) that there is something wrong here. Now you know what it is. I hope you read the book, it will shed a lot of light on this for you.
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A
female
reader, helpishereandnear  +, writes (21 April 2015):
Hello,
I completely understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately I'm not able to give advice because I'm going through the same thing with my husband and I am yet to figure out what to do. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): He isn't present to give his side of your problems. I have to take your word for everything, but be fair and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. As a fellow human being, I know it is human-nature not to see our own faults, for being totally focused on the flaws in others. I am guilty of this, and you are as well. Everyone is. You don't have to agree; but humor me, in order to learn something that may be useful.
You may not always use crying as a means of manipulation; but it has dramatic-effect. It does to some degree change events, and the reaction of someone who has made you cry. It will often get you the reaction from that person that you want. Sympathy and guilt. It demonstrates your pain and frustration. The frequency will sooner or later turn into manipulation.
Having six sisters and being the supervisor of a large group of women; I've learned a lot about the power of tears. There is a hormone men produce when around women who are crying, which lowers his testosterone-level and aggression toward a woman in distress. This brain-chemical has survived years of human evolution to the very present. So adding the scientific element to what I've said, I do know what I'm talking about.
You have detailed a lot of negative things about your partner. That now takes us back to the suggestion that you may be incompatible.
If everything you do and say is taken so badly. Then shouldn't you seriously evaluate whether remaining in such a relationship is worth the trouble? You can't fix your relationship by yourself. You need his cooperation. I made some hopefully helpful suggestions on how that is done. I had a successful relationship for for nearly 30 years, until my partner died of cancer. I had to work at it; but it wouldn't have lasted or worked without my partner's active and willing participation. I'm not being mean to you, I'm trying to help you. I've been where you are. No relationship is perfect. They all have ups and downs.
I even got you to mention your mother's reaction to your tears. I did that on purpose. It starts from childhood.
It also has a lot to do with how you have developed as an adult. Women don't react to tears the same as men do. They may either join you in your sorrow, and offer you comfort and empathy; or completely see through you. As mothers easily do. They know you better than you know yourself!
According to your own description, you can't talk to him without offending or upsetting him. He takes everything as criticism. Then your efforts are pointless unless he is willing to work things out. He has personality-flaws that makes discussion and compromise futile. Be that the case, you have to consider what's best for you. Maybe he just isn't the right guy for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do not use crying as a way to manipulate. I cry when I am sad and there are a lot of emotions. I don't cry in public, I often hide when I cry just because my mother were like you and didn't take me seriously if I cried or showed emotion. As if me crying means I am weak. But I cry when I am sad, and that's the end of that. Saying it is manipulative is like saying showing emotions is manipulative.
He gets upset when I say things like how he should touch me to turn me on. Like when we're in bed together and I move his hand to touch me, he will get upset because apparently the way he wanted to touch me wasn't good enough. Or if he touches me too hard I have to be careful how I say ouch, or how I move away, because he takes offense to that as well. He just takes everything as criticism. I don't how if there's any point in trying to explain this further. It just seems like he's fine, then suddenly I said something wrong and he's giving me the silent treatment.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 April 2015):
I think he is manipulating you with his behaviour. When you expressed upset about a legitimate problem (being woken up by his late night texts), he said you were taking his 'joy' from him. That's his way of controlling your behaviour - so that you will be reluctant to raise the matter again for fear of his wrath. Never mind that he is disrupting your sleep and is conveniently brushing over the fact that he's hurt you with similar behaviour before. No, in his mind you are the bad one here. I don't think so OP!
And then he decides to give you the silent treatment because he wanted sex - without talking it over with you and oh I don't know - actually ASKING for sex? Or considering that there are two people involved and you might not want it every time the notion takes him?! Well if it were me he'd not be getting any at all until he grew up a bit!
He sounds like a petulant teenager who doesn't like the fact that he can't have things all his own way. You can try to work on your communication with him, but unless he's willing to work on it too nothing will change.
I think you also need to work on your own assertiveness, as someone with strong boundaries would know when he's being unreasonable and they'd call him on it. You sound a lot like me in that you try to understand why others do what they so and as a result, almost end up making excuses for them. This means you can be walked over and taken advantage of by others. I'm getting better but it has taken a bit of work to get here so I'd recommend you do something similar.
Above all though OP - consider what it is you are in this relationship for. Is a relationship where you constantly have to walk on eggshells and wait for the silent treatment sound that appealing for the next 30 or 40 years? Because it doesn't to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): Be very careful about allowing him to use passive-aggressive behavior to manipulate you. Giving you the silent-treatment is a way to drive you crazy without saying a word. He shouldn't be receiving late-night text messages from other women when he has a girlfriend. Then when you address the issue, he pouts about it like a big child.
Just say, you're willing to quietly listen when he's ready to talk about a problem. Promise you'll listen without a fight. Then shut the hell up, and leave the big baby to his pouting. Sincere apologies have to be exchanged now and then. If they're nonexistent, there is a power-struggle in your relationship. That means you're incompatible.
It is best to leave people alone when they're upset, but try to resolve problems through calm discussion. He may not open up to you; because you dramatize and emotionalize, and men just don't care to deal with all that. Your crying is just your way of manipulating him. Just as you did as a little girl, you turn on the faucets. That's very childish and the tactics of a drama queen.
There is much immaturity going on in your relationship. There is a block in communication; plus he is dividing his attention between you and another female. I'd say taking messages in the middle of the night means he'd rather be spending his time elsewhere. Guys don't message other guys in the middle of the night! Unless you're gay dudes! How early do you go to bed? If you head to bed very early, it is likely he expects sex. Ever consider that?
Your relationship has a poor prognosis. I think he is transitioning his feelings and he's contemplating leaving you. I may be wrong, but why would he continue contacting another female knowing it upsets his girlfriend?
He has a right to have friends; but taking late night messages from another female is disrespectful to your mate, and inappropriate in many ways. It doesn't smell right. His pouting and shutting you out is also boyish-behavior. If he has a bug up his butt; he should be man enough to tell you what the problem is, and you both should be able to work it out. If you like harping and using your tongue for a dagger; he will turn to the other female who will offer him soothing words to counteract and neutralize your poison.
If he gets upset with the things you say, you must use a lot of sarcasm and insults to make your point. Mind the abusive-language, or you'll push him to the other female.
If he's not talking to you, he's probably venting to her.
She is an opportunist seizing every chance to grab his attention, knowing you're having problems in your relationship. She's play the role of confidante and always choose his side.
You also have to shut-up and listen, when he tries to tell you. You can't better your communication, if you're the one doing all the talking. He will clam-up, if every-time he tells you what's wrong; you go into denial and it all turns into an argument.
There has to be an even and fair exchange. If he has something on his chest; he ought to be man enough to talk about it sometimes. You have to be grown-up enough to listen, and be able to handle the truth. Even when it makes you uncomfortable or angry. What's the point of telling someone what's wrong, when they don't listen or get pissed-off about it?
Relationships fizzle-out and die when there is no communication between two people, and one of the people bottles-up everything. You can't encourage him to open-up to you, if he doesn't want to. Especially when he knows the silent-treatment is more effective. It avoids arguments, and it makes you feel bad. He gets satisfaction from your suffering in almost a narcissistic way.
Have a calm heart to heart talk about being more open and honest, and kinder to each other when you have disagreements. Let him know that his night-texting interrupts your sleep; and if it's another female, it is effecting your relationship. That is very disrespectful to you as his girlfriend. How would he like it if you were messaging other guys while he slept?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (21 April 2015):
 It sounds like you two aren't communicating at all well.
Sit down with him and have a big long chat about everything. Tell him how you feel about things and why, and give him the chance to do the same. Agree a way forward that you're both happy with.
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