A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need urgent help! Follow up to:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/things-are-complicated-im-falling-for-this-new.htmlThis guy has admited to me that he really does care about me. and i reli love him too.. altho loves a strong word for how short iv known him for so il say 'like'. i dont no what to do. its killing me. i really want to be with this guy. he nos i have a bf. i'l need to tell my boyfriend but im afraid to hurt him. he is the most wonderful beautiful person iv ever met but hes not the right person for me. i dont want to hurt his feelings. he wants to marry me eventually and tells me he loves me but i dnt reli love him i cant. i love him like a brother. i cant hurt him. my only option i can think of is to let it go over time. let him see how we have nothing in common and show lack of interest and mayb hel like someone else when e starts university next year. but thats a year away. i cant hold on with this new guy it kills me not being able to go with him when i no he likes me too. its easy to say we should wait but its so hard. i want to cry. i want to be with him. i dont want to cheat on my boyfriend, i dont want to hurt him by telling him i want someone else, i want this to be a mutal breakup and we can remain friends afterwards but its all so unlikely. im stuck. i dnt no what to do. please help i need help now. please you have to understand, i cant hurt my current boyfriend. it has to b sum form of mutal thing.. i couldnt hurt him. i cudnt just dump him. he still means alot. like i say hes like a brother.please please help me.
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female
reader, Another One  +, writes (15 October 2007):
 I agree with you, Danielepew, But she says she can't hurt him, that she feels like it should be a mutual thing. I thought a time away from him would help her distance herself from him long enough to realize that she is a separate person and realize that she MUST be honest with him and tell him of her feelings ad that this will hurt him, but must be done. I think she is putting his feelings ahead of her own, and it is not good for either of them. She feels reponsible for his happiness, more like a mother than a sister even.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 October 2007):
 I just would like to add another comment, this time to the post by Another One. If you search in this site and look how many men and women are confused about what a "break" means, you will see that asking for "a break" makes a lot of damage. It does point to a problem; but the person who was asked to "give a break" becomes nervous and anxious and everything just goes worse.
Just to emphasize the point, asking for "a break" is NOT a gentle way to dump anyone. It can even be seen as a way to lead someone on.
Like good Rythmandblues2 just said, there is NO way to dump someone without pain. However, I think there is a right way to dump someone, and that way is to be very clear and straighforward with the person being dumped.
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A
female
reader, Another One +, writes (13 October 2007):
Seems like you have come to a rolling boil. Remove yourself from the heat and take a break. Tell the current (like-a-brother) boyfriend that you'd like to take a break and be alone for a few days---that you have alot on your mind. Tell the same thing to the other fellow. Then just take a few days to think about this and know your own feelings clearly. Your current boyfriend will know something is bothering you, so when you go to him a few days later and tell him of your decision, he won't be totally surprised maybe. Be very honest with him--he deserves it. And you deserve to follow your own heart and not be tied romantically to someone who you do not love in that way. It's not fair to you to sacrifice your needs for his---and you need to be fair enough to him to be honest. The other fellow may only be a distraction for you to disengage yourself from the current, brother-like, boyfriend. Take your time with this one. Give yourself time before beginning another relationship with anyone.
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A
female
reader, Another One +, writes (13 October 2007):
Seems like you have come to a rolling boil. Remove yourself from the heat and take break. Tell the current (like-a-brother) boyfriend that you'd like to take a break and be alone for a few days---that you have alot on your mind. Tell the same thing to the other fellow. Then just take a few days to think about this and know your own feelings clearly. Your current boyfriend will know something is bothering you, so when you go to him a few days later and tell him of your decision, he son't be totally surprised maybe. Be very honest with hm--he deserves it. And you deserve to follow your own heart and not be tied romantically to someone who do not love in that way. It's not fair to you to sacrifice your needs for his---and you need to be fair enough to him to be honest. The other fellow may only be a distraction for you to disengage yourself from the current, brother-like, boyfriend. Take your time with this one. Give yourself time before beginning another relationship with anyone.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (13 October 2007):
I understand your situation, but I'm afraid I will give you an answer you are not looking for.
I believe that the most basic thing I can do is perhaps help you see where you really stand.
If I understand this correctly, you're not saying that you won't dump your boyfriend; you know you will. What you need is a way to dump him so he won't hurt. Which is impossible.
Dumping someone who loves you is never easy, but it's the right thing to do if you don't love him anymore. You should be honest to him and tell him exactly this. In this manner, he will be able to find love elsewhere. And you will not sustain a relationship which has no future.
Imagine that he had found someone else, or he had fallen out of love, and you loved him. Wouldn't you at least appreciate his honesty in releasing you? Would you prefer his not saying a word, and letting things fester until the breakup were "mutual"?
On the other hand, the fact that you don't love someone is not easy to hide. Over time, he will notice this more and more, and you will put him through a lot of suffering which will end in breaking up. I think it would be a lot better, for him and for you, if you just said how you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): How do you dump him without feeling guilty? That is like asking how do I stub my toe without it hurting?
If you have made up your mind that you don't want to be in a relationship with your current partner, then you have to tell him so and be honest about it. It does not have to be mutual, it usually isn't, someone always gets hurt.
It is not fair to him to act disinterested and still lead him on into thinking you are his girl, you need to take responsibility here and do the right thing, which is let him go so he can date around and be free of you.
If you can't do this, then maybe you are too dependent on him, this is not love it is dependency.
It is never right to start dating someone else before ending it with someone else...I feel sorry for your boyfriend that you hung onto him until you found a replacement, this tells me that you are not very independent and sort of need a boyfriend to define who you are and make you feel good about yourself, this is why you fear letting him go, what if the other guy leaves you, right? There are no guarantees in life, but if you want to break up, then break up, you are going to feel guilty, there is no two ways about it.....and perhaps it would do you both a world of good to stay single for awhile, after all you are pretty young to settle down with just one partner for life.
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A
female
reader, x-wanttobehappy-x +, writes (13 October 2007):
 hi well i seen your message so thought i would leave a comment, i see this person really likes you then if you dont want to be with this person anymore then you need to come away from it but i see you dont want to hurt him you need to let him down softly just say that you need to speek to him and you really like him but you think you like him to much in a different way say that you feel like his to close to you to be your boyfriend you see him as a brother and that you feel bad and dont want to hurt him but it dont feel right for you to be with him, see what he says.. i hope that helped you a little
x
hayley
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