A
female
age
41-50,
*ikkiC
writes:I recently heard rumours about my husband cheated on me, a year ago! The girl in the rumour would be one person that I would not doubt he slept with, because they worked together and she was bold enough to tell him she would sleep with him, married or not.They worked together for just over a year, and then he was deployed overseas for a year; halfway through the deployment he was home for just over a week. When he first left, I stumbled upon an email account that this girl had set up for him so they could talk privately; he would call her under the guise of wanting to keep current with work while he was gone, but always after hours and then he'd lie to me about talking to her until he slipped up and I caught him, then he'd admit to it. He also bought me this girl's brand of perfume (!!) for my birthday, and had her go shopping with him for gifts for me before he left for deployment. I begged him to stop talking to her, especially personally and preferrably professionally as well, and he said he would but never did. He told me I was the only person who knew he was coming home on leave, but when we went to his place of work she made a comment about how she expected him to be in earlier in the week (like she knew what day he came home). When he came home from deployment, he went to a different job so they no longer work together.A few weeks ago one of his military buddies made a private comment to me about how well I treated my husband while they were gone and how he didn't deserve it. He hinted at my husband having cheated on me with someone he works with, and I told him I knew about it (he had slept with another co-worker who was also married about 4 years ago) so this guy thought we were talking about the same girl and he gave me specific details (it happened while he was home on leave!), while I stared in horror since it's a different, more recent person! I didn't want to betray this friend's confidence, so I didn't confront my husband.This past week my MOM (who works at the same place as my husband and this girl) tells me there are rumors going around about him sleeping with both of these girls (she also knows about the one 4 years ago). So now that it's not HIS friend telling me, I feel comfortable breaking my silence and confronting him about it. He completely denies ever sleeping with her and says I'm blowing things out of proportion and should believe him over rumors (but I'm doubtful since they came from two completely separate sources). I wish I could, but history shows that in the 15 years we've been together he's slept with 4 other people that I know of, though all were before we got married; the one caveat is that each time I confronted him, he admitted to it and we worked things out and moved on. So should I believe him when he tells me he didn't sleep with this girl? He tries to tell me he doesn't even like her and she's ugly (true, but great body), but then why would he still talk to her and not stop her comments about wanting to sleep with him? And why would he share those comments with me if he was actually sleeping with her??I've forgiven him for a lot of things in our relationship; this is the one person I could not forgive him sleeping with, because I warned him away from her and begged him to stay away from her, whereas the others were always spur of the moment, "I screwed up" instances. Maybe I've been wrong to forgive him in the past, but this would be the last straw. How can I decide what the truth is here? I would be crushed to find out I threw away 15 years together over something that's not true, but don't know how to convince myself he's telling the truth and move on.
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cheated on me, co-worker, confidence, crush, military, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): well all the best sounds very complex and complicated to me.Glad i am not invoved in the military.SOunds very hollywood to me.All the best.hope you get your head around this one.
A
female
reader, NikkiC +, writes (22 February 2009):
NikkiC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, to the friend in the UK: I'd rather not involve his military buddy in this whole mess any more than I already have. My husband doesn't know he told me, and I'd like to keep it that way. I feel it's their place between the two of them to decide the outcome of their friendship and don't want to be the one to ruin it, or to bring trouble to his buddy that was only being caring and honest. The girl involved is also engaged (also to military) and I'm hesitant to bring him into this as well (their engagement had been temporarily broken during the timeframe this supposedly happened).
Don't worry I psychoanalyze myself enough to know that I'm too busy looking out for everyone else's well being to pay attention to my own, I just don't know how to change that! I've never been self-serving and have always taken care of my older siblings, being labeled the "responsible one" of the family. That's why I'm finding it so hard to make the right decision for myself now.
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A
female
reader, NikkiC +, writes (22 February 2009):
NikkiC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your honest, blunt answers...it's definitely what I need! What will I do if he admits to cheating with her?? I don't know - I want to say I'll leave him, but history says I'm not very good at doing what I know in my heart I should do. This is one person that would be unforgivable, let alone unforgettable. I guess the thing that has kept me here through all the other times is our kids; we have 2 middle schoolers and I don't want them to go through our separation, even though I think sometimes it would be better than them seeing A) us arguing and becoming bitter towards each other and B) them seeing that their mom thinks it's okay to be treated like this and therefore they should expect nothing less from their future boyfriends.
One thing that tugs at my mind, is what if my husband was just talking big when he told this military buddy about cheating while on leave? I can't decide if he would do that or not, and if that's where all the rumors stem from then maybe (highly unlikely but maybe??) he's telling me the truth and he never slept with her. Then again, maybe (much more likely) I'm just trying to rationalize away what he did so I don't disturb the status quo.
Honestly, I've never had to deal with making my own decisions; we started dating when I was 14 and have been together for 15 years, with kids entering the picture when I was 16. I'm tired of always suspecting and never quite believing, and I don't want my kids to learn my bad traits and get into bad relationships later in life, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do what's right for me and my daughters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Hello Nikki. This is a friend from the UK. This is how we handle these situations. Everyone is feeding you information and having their say. You do not know which way to turn? Here is how they cannot continue this. Read on. Get a friend and arrange for all to be in the same place at the same time,even the work place.People find it very hard to continue to lie when every one concerned is there .You will soon find out.
Good Luck
Your UK friend.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 I was married for over 15 years to a serial adulterer. He never cared that i knew and he never stopped. He completely ruined my self esteem and when I look back I can see that I had become conditioned to this kind of behaviour almost like a Pavlov Dog or Stock Syndrome. You are so so much better than this and this man has clearly damaged your self belief and self confidence. Yes, I can tell you still love him, I loved mine and cheaters are great charmers ( they have to be!) but this kind of behaviour is not on. Looking back over many years i think you need to throw him out. You cannot live a healthy life like this. Please tell him that you will not put up with his constant cheating and ask him to leave. It will be very hard but after a lot of time you will begin to feel better about things and realise that you have done the right thing. This man shows no respect and doesn't care at all. He is a liar and a cheat and if you are there for him and keep taking him back this will just continue.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2009):
 If he did have sex with his co-worker, what are you going to do with that information? Are you going to leave is cheating ass or what? Do you really want to know?
He is obviously a serial cheater and he isn't going to stop because you know the truth.
He's disrespecting you over and over. Decide what YOU want. What would make you a happy women. But don't expect him to be "cured" of cheating just because you want him to stop.
From what you write, you can not trust your husband. Go with your gut.
I'm sorry if my post seems harsh, but please don't let anyone walk all over you, again and again. There is NO excuse for cheating, lying and disrespecting your spouse or partner. None.
When a person cheat it is their choice, their actions. He needs to own his own behavior.
The thing is though, You might never get him to admit it. He might guess that if he owns up you are gone. And I'm guessing he likes to have his cake and eat it too.
For what's it's worth, it all on him. It's NOT you, it's him. HE is the one trowing the 15 years together away. Not you.
You might want to consider getting all your ducks in a row first.( find a place to live,get whatever paper works you need in order, close out and pay of credit cards, talk to a lawyer.. etc.) Tell him straight up that you can not live with a liar, but again, don't expect him to confess.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this is SUCKS.
Good luck and keep your chin up!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2009):
If he did have sex with his co-worker, what are you going to do with that information? Are you going to leave is cheating ass or what? Do you really want to know?
He is obviously a serial cheater and he isn't going to stop because you know the truth.
He's disrespecting you over and over. Decide what YOU want. What would make you a happy women. But don't expect him to be "cured" of cheating just because you want him to stop.
From what you write, you can not trust your husband. Go with your gut.
I'm sorry if my post seems harsh, but please don't let anyone walk all over you, again and again. There is NO excuse for cheating, lying and disrespecting your spouse or partner. None.
When a person cheat it is their choice, their actions. He needs to own his own behavior.
The thing is though, You might never get him to admit it. He might guess that if he owns up you are gone. And I'm guessing he likes to have his cake and eat it too.
For what's it's worth, it all on him. It's NOT you, it's him. HE is the one trowing the 15 years together away. Not you.
You might want to consider getting all your ducks in a row first.( find a place to live,get whatever paper works you need in order, close out and pay of credit cards, talk to a lawyer.. etc.) Tell him straight up that you can not live with a liar, but again, don't expect him to confess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): This happended to me,gather as much proof as you can. Then calmy sit down and tell him you wan't the whole truth, if he misses anything you will walk out his life for ever and take him all the way. If he loves you then faced with losing you forever out his life tell him no matter how much there is you must know for your own sanity and peace of mind the rest of your life. Doubt about an affair rots away at you and will eventually ruin your marriage anyway, at least if you get the whole truth then you have the choice whether to forgive and start again in a REAL and TRUTHFULL ralationship.If he lies to you and you have any proof then you can also make your own decisions on what you want to live with. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 February 2009):
 In my opinion he has got away with it in the past and knows he can get away with it again. While I dont believe that "once a cheat, always a cheat" is true because people can change when they really want to. But in this case, that saying sounds like it is true when applied to your husband.
If you have heard from 2 reliable sources then I think that he is definately lying. While you should believe your husband over rumours, he destroyed all the rights he has to your unconditional trust when he cheated on you the first time. Even if he did not cheat (physically) then he has still gone behind your back by continuing to talk to her, email her and so on.
I am all for working through problems and working at relationships but for the sake of your own self respect, there are only so many times you can forgive him for cheating. I think this time he has made a fool of you, betrayed you in many ways and pursued a woman you deliberately told him to stay away from.
I cant imagine how horrible this whole situation has been for you, and how humiliating it must be for all of your friends and family to know about his infidelities. If I were you I would leave and never look back, he absolutely does not deserve you and you can do so much better.
I hope for your sake you realise that you are better than him and all this, as his friend said, you are too good for him. He is a liar and a cheat, simple as that. I think this man has completely forgotten his marriage vows and is showing no respect for the time you have had together.
Take the time to come to your own decision as this is just my opinion, only you will know what feels right in your heart. Good luck!
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