A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Need honest advice.. I've lived with my boyfriend in a small 3 bedroom share house for over 2 years. Just under a year ago, we found a third housemate who was great. I introduced her to one of my male friends and they soon started dating.Since they got into a relationship 6 months ago, they have spent practically every night together (with a few exceptions). They probably stay at our place 70-80% of the time, and both over at his 20-30% of the time. They even joke that he's 'family' and our dog see's him as 'one of the pack'.I think my boyfriend and I have been very tolerant about his constant presence over the past 6 months. He showers here almost daily, cooks here, sleeps here and we've never asked anything of him. They generally stick to themselves in her room, but it's a small house and it's unavoidable when it comes to using the shared spaces like the bathroom and kitchen. He uses these spaces yet has never taken out the trash, wiped down a bench, or put any washing up away (even though a lot of this stuff is his). He uses our supplies, utilities, our water and (I assume) our internet and we've never asked for a cent. He's also never done anything out of good will like bringing over some toilet paper. Recently we brought it up with our housemate, asking that if he continues to be here as much as he is, that he pull his weight and chip in with the cleaning. She disagrees with this. She said she can't ask him to clean as she isn't asked to over at his place. Not that it's relevant what goes on outside this house, but her boyfriend lives with his mother and as he doesn't have a job, I assume she pays for him to live there. He is at University and doesn't have a job, therefore has very limited money. I like my housemate but I think she is being unreasonable. She refuses to come to any compromise and thinks it's wrong to ask him to help with the cleaning. We suggested we all do a clean-up once a fortnight and he pitch in but she refused saying that he should be paid if he was asked to clean. Her only answer is that she won't have him over here as he shouldn't be in a position where he has to clean. We told her that's unnecessary and we keep trying to come to an agreement but she thinks we're being unreasonable. What about the position she's put us in? We all pay about $200 in rent and bills a week to live here on the agreement it's a 3 person share house (it's quite a small house). If a couple was to move into the 3rd room, we would have charged more rent for it. And now we have a 4th housemate here most of the time and not only does he not pay a cent, but he won't even help clean up the spaces he uses along with the rest of us! I feel like we've been paying for his living, cleaning up after him and now we feel like the bad guys because we asked for a contribution from him. I need honest advice, are we being unreasonable? It's causing a lot of tension which will probably result in her moving out which I don't want to happen, so any advice would be a big help.
View related questions:
money, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.
@Cerberus, we actually thought we should have spoken to him directly but now we've spoken to her and she's made her views on it very clear, it would probably cause more problems to go over her head & speak to him.
Asking him to help out is sort of what's going on now but I'm talking about things cleaning the bench after he uses it. I don't want to be in a situation where I'm asking him to clean up after himself which i thought was pretty obvious and it'll just make me angrier & angrier (which it has done). Yes i agree a guest shouldn't have conditions imposed on them & responsibilities to clean, but my point is he isn't really a guest. Guests 'visit', they don't stay over every night, cooking, showering, using the internet. It's pretty much like we have a fourth housemate which is unfair on me & my partner as we're paying rent & bills under the agreement it's a 3 person share house.
Like i said, if a couple was to move into that room then they'd be expected to pay more rent. I don't think we're asking for much to chip in with cleaning, that's not so much a responsibility as just common courtesy when you're living in someone else's place rent free. Also, we did not say to her that he has to clean as a condition to stay over. We said that for the amount of time he's here, which is 70-80% of the time, that we'd appreciate him pulling his weight a bit more. We came up with several suggestions, all of which she disagreed with. Like we all do a cleanup once a fortnight & he just help out. I think that's a pretty good deal & it's not like we're asking for any money or supplies. Just asking him to help clean up the spaces he uses as much as us! If they were over here 50% of the time and she was at his for the other 50%, things would be different but they are both over 5-6 nights a week which is more than a 'guest'. I have sent her a message today just saying let's find a compromise so we're all happy. If it means him chipping in, great. If it means them being over less, great. But it isn't fair to us who are paying for him to live here & then cleaning up after him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 I see two options.
1. he's using the stuff enough to pay rent (show her the changes in food bills and electrical bills if you have them) and ONE of them has to chip in for that. In addition, one of them has to clean up after him. Either him or her.
or
2. tell her "thank you very much when will you be moving out" when she refuses to let him pay his way or help with the chores.
Personally when I went to her and said "he needs to help" and she did the childish "well we wont' stay here any more" I would have responded with "fine if you need to move just give us 60 days notice" none of this babying of her.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 January 2013):
 I like both ideas from CindyCares and Cerberus. Either tell your housemate she needs to do his share or the chores, or go talk to your friend. If this is a new relationship I do understand her not wanting to start a fight so early on. No it's not really fair for you to have to be the one to do it, but worrying about what's fair doesn't usually get things done.
I was once in a similar situation, my male roommate brought a woman in to live without telling me or my boyfriend. She was there all the time and would text and phone me to pick things up from the store or to come let her into the apartment and the last straw was when she started trying to assign me chores. We couldn't come to a solution so we wound up moving out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): He's your male friend OP just talk to him and ask him if he wouldn't mind cleaning up after himself or if he sees a mess taking 5 minutes to clear it up.
No big deal. She's just getting defensive because she's at the start of a relationship where everything is shiny and he's so amazing and you know how that goes.
OP the one issue I see here is that you went over his head and asked her to get him to do it, that was ignorant if you ask me and you did put her in awkward position. I mean yes, she's the one who lives with you but he's a friend and you're all adults, if you want him to do something ask him, but make it a request OP and not a responsibility, you'd like a hand with some of the cleaning not that he is obliged to if you know what I mean.
Just change tack here. Instead of making this a thing of responsibility and trying to talk him into doing chores, why not ask him in the moment to give you a hand with the cleaning? Not many guests will refuse such a request will they? I mean you may be washing the dishes and you could ask him to dry them while he's in the kitchen with you, or you could ask him to grab a brush and give the place a quick sweep while you prepare the mop. Or next time he's coming over ask him to bring some bog roll.
Do i think she's being unreasonable? Technicially yes, but you are too in how you approach this. No matter hos much he stays over he's still a guest and he's either welcome as a guest or he's not, guests have no responsibility in someone's household but I don't know anyone who as a guest would refuse a hosts request for help cleaning the place when it is happening. You shouldn't be asking him to chip in, but it's okay to ask for his help to make a chore you're currently doing faster and easier, so just change your approach to one of those. You don't need permission from your housemate to ask him either OP, he's your friend too and was before she ever got with him, she doesn't hold ownership over this guy and I'm sure he's a reasonable guy who would have no problem giving you a hand. So just make use of his extra pair of hands when you get the chance to and let your own boyfriend know that's how you should approach things.
OP he's a guest so treat him like any guest, but he's also a friend so don't be afraid to approach him for help doing a task. But don't ask him to go clean the bathroom while you sit on your ass watching TV, you know? Try that way, that's how I always did it.
I had a flat that was a party flat, and the place would be an absolute mess as you can imagine. In the morning when things were wrapping up I'd start cleaning, most would get up off the floor where they were sleeping etc. to give me a hand on their own. Others then I'd ask to help me before they left. After a while people just got into the habit of cleaning my place before they left that day whether I was up or not. They were never responsible for keeping my place clean and I'd literally have 5-6 friends over every night, they didn't have to pay my bills, they didn't owe me anything but they still felt it would be nice to do some minor things like clean up their beer cans, sweep the floor etc. and tidy up. In passing one time I mentioned how expensive toilet roll is and catering for so many people was expensive, not a request or anything and some just decided to bring over some any time they called over.
My point is OP, it doesn't have to be a battle, most people will do nice things for you if you approach things the right way. I don't think my friends would have felt very welcome if I imposed conditions such as cleaning my place on them as pre-requisite of coming over and having fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 Couldn't SHE clean up after her bf , and do HIS share of housework, and pitch in for the toilet paper , toiletries and whatnot that he consumes ? ...If she wants to baby and spoil her bf, *shrug* is no skin off your nose . As long as YOU don't have to do it...
...............................
|
