A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I navigate my abusive living situation?Background - I grew up in a conservative home ( think our current state of the union remarks) is here my parents care about money- materials and how good their daughters looks and well educated etc for a long time my parents verbally abused me - I was never good enough for anything for my neurotic parents and it never really bothered me until two years ago. Two years ago my gay best friend who they looked down upon because he was gay and non educated (didn’t fit the mold ) got ill with a disease that imitates leukemia . St the beginning of treatment the doctors were clear with me that u less I came up with the money for an experimental treatment his recovery would not go far. I moved back with my parents - lies to them and told them I was paying my school loans to put all the money towards his medical bills - I also got a second job. We are almost at the end of the road with his recovery but my parents found out and they won’t kick me out but I get mocked .. I wake up and hear how I’m a looser that is working for free - his family should help him not you( his family is overseas with no money) - ur waisting ur time u should look for a husband - he is gay basically if no useI hear these comments and for the first time in my life I am so disgusted and I am holding a lot of resentment - I hold a lot of rage and anger because I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. My friends family is overseas but they have absolutely no means - my parents due and refused to even help me with housing for himThere are days where I cry a lot when I things I if this and I Dotn know how to snap out of it - I am planning once the doctors clear his treatment to leave this state and then but that will take another year to save the money I have managed to put my 80 k salary to treatment for the last two years and now my savings are gone How can I cope with my abusive parents for the next year so I can save my money to leave . It hurts inside so much to think I am associated with such hateful greedy people that can’t see I am trying to do the right thing .. I know in my heart my friend would do the same for me - his actions for the last decade have proved thisDoes anyone have any coping mechanics ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2019): Lets look at this from different angles. You're over 30 and forced to move back home with parents you consider "abusive."
It seems they remain generous, even after they learned they were lied to. You apparently had no other recourse; but to turn to your parents, while lying to them in the process. If they are abusive, what did you expect from them? If they tend to make a fuss over looks and success; why were they even considered an option to turn to when you needed someplace to stay? Have you no reliable friends? Why only that one person?
I think it is common among parents to want their children to be self-supporting, have some measure of success, and generally they want you to be happy. They expect you to get married and carry-on the family DNA into the next generation. If they are conservative; you would expect them to stand by their conservative values and beliefs. Not change them; because you, their daughter, do not seem to agree. To me that is reason to avoid living with them.
They mock you, because you're too old to spank for lying. You're pretty sensitive to it; knowing that you're an adult and can respond to their verbal-abuse, and express your displeasure. You can even find another place to live. I'll take your word for why you're helping your friend; considering you lied to your parents, it would shake your credibility somewhat. He has some kind of unusual disease that you're paying all his medical bills. You don't know the medical term for his disease? Why?
It wouldn't be sex-reassignment surgery would it? I'm gay, so that's not coming out of prejudice. Just curious!
You took on a noble cause, but you added your parents into the equation. Perhaps it wasn't a smart move.
Well, considering you have to work a lot, you're not home most of the time. You see them in passing. Tolerate it until you no longer have to.
I wish your friend a full-recovery! I hope you'll find yourself an affordable place; so you don't have to deal with your parents imposing their right to express their conservative-views in their own home. In any case, they're doing you a huge favor by not allowing you to be homeless.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 August 2019):
 This too will pass. In the meantime, take a deep breath and keep reminding yourself WHY you are in this situation and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You KNOW you have done the right thing. The true price you are paying for your friend's life is having to put up with your home situation. Surely your friend's life was worth it? Of course it was. You can do this.
Your parents are who they are and they will not change. Their beliefs and choices are THEIRS, just as YOURS are yours. However, despite their attitude towards your choices in life, they did not HAVE to give you shelter. You are in your 30s so they could have, quite legitimately, refused to allow you to live with them, especially when they found out the real reason for your return. You cannot change how they feel or act towards you, but you CAN learn to control how you react. Just keep reminding yourself you did the right thing. If you hadn't, your friend could now be dead. You exchanged some money and a couple of years of freedom for your friend's life. A no-brainer in my book, and in yours as well, otherwise you would not have done it.
You are a good person, one of life's diamonds in a world of crud. I would be proud to have you as my friend.
Cut your parents a bit of slack. They had their own vision for how your life was going to turn out. They are disappointed because you did not make the life choices they had envisaged for you. While that is THEIR problem and not yours, they also have the choice to kick you out of their house but they allow you to stay. Be grateful for that side of their nature (few people are 100% good or bad), whatever the reasons behind it.
In the meantime, focus all your energy on supporting your dear friend and on earning as much money as quickly as possible so that you can afford to become independent of your parents again. Perhaps get a new (cheap) hobby which will take you out of the house a lot so you are not around them more than you have to be, or work a second job so you can earn money quicker while avoiding your parents even more.
We can do whatever we choose to in life but everything comes with a price. You chose to save your friend's life and the price you are paying is having to listen to your parents' disappointment because your life has not turned out the way they had hoped. You know the price is worth paying. You know, given the same situation again, you would do it all again to save your friend. Grit your teeth, take a deep breath and focus on the day you can afford to have your own place again. The time will soon pass if you refuse to buckle under your parents' criticism (I am sure you are strong enough for that) and if you try to understand why your parents are so disappointed (I am not saying they are right, just that they have a right to feel the way they do).
Stay strong. You are a beautiful person. Sadly you cannot expect everyone to agree with our life choices. That is part of being an adult.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2019): OP, the people who brought you into this world and raised you, giving you every single thing you ate, wore, slept on, played with, and studied with, are not selfish people! Your parents made sacrifices in time, money, worry, and privacy, to birth you and raise you! How do you repay them? By mooching off them and by lying to them to get more of their money! It is selfless to give away what is your own to give away. It is stealing when you lie and obtain somebody elses money under false pretenses, to spend on anything different than what you said that you would spend it on! Without your parents, you would be a steet person who gave away her own money. That would be selfless! Since you are living with all that you need, while lying to them, and criticising them, please do not take any bows for selflessness! That is the reality OP. Every life is worthwhile! I pray that your friend gets well!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2019):
 Be home as little as possible. And also, YOU wouldn't be ABLE to pay for this treatment IF they hadn't put a roof over your head. So while they might be annoyed with you and the choices you have made for your finances (and to an extend theirs) you need to realize that THIS is who they are.
Maybe some of their verbal trite is because they were lied to, maybe because they just don't understand you choice, and maybe because they worry that you are MORE focused on helping this guy rather than look out for yourself and your future.
They aren't going to change. So IF you plan to mooch off them for another year (sorry, but that is what you are doing) I'd be home as little as possible, maybe even get a second job to begin to refill the saving you have depleted.
You ARE being a good friend, NO doubt. IF you parents can't see that, that is on them. But they have NO part in this man's health, a place to stay or anything else. They don't owe YOU or him that. They are just not interested OR invested, and that is a CHOICE they GET to make. Just like YOU get to make the choice to try and help him as much as you have these past couple of years.
I don't see them as being greedy because they don't want to help. Petty perhaps. Cruel for calling you a loser when what you are doing is pretty selfless.
You have to plan for what's next. Save up and move out. Once you are out of the house you can decide how much contact you want to have with them.
You can't change them. But you CAN change how you react to what they say. Listen, OP you aren't a loser for doing all THIS for a friend. You know that. So if they call you a loser, know that they are WRONG and stop giving a single F.
And as someone who ALSO grew up in a conservative household, I don't recognize the malice you describe. My parents were into volunteering (and we were raised to do so as well) and charity. Give if you can, help where you can. So maybe it's less to do with being a conservative household and more to do with who your parents are as people.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 August 2019):
I don't think I have a great answer for you but I want to say that what you're doing is very selfless and you're the type of friend most people would be lucky to have.
All I can say is that in the times that my life hasn't been great it helped tremendously do remember that it's only temporary. Also, you may want to start working out, lifting weights, etc. It can be very therapeutic and not to mention it gets you out of the house.
Good luck!
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