A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been living with my bf now for almost 2 years.Recently, his ex texted him again. I know because he told me that she did. I asked to read the texts a few days later, but was told that they had been deleted. I asked why he had deleted them and he replied that he "didn't want me to see her name pop up in his messages," to which I replied, I've never been on your phone, or have ever asked to see your phone, why would that be a concern?He further said that he didn't understand why I was upset.I know that she still has feelings for him, he has told me so, and this situation makes me highly uncomfortable.We talked more about it and he eventually said that he understood why I was upset.I don't know what they talked about and it's made me feel distrustful.What should I do?
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female
reader, MelKnowsYou +, writes (4 August 2019):
 I totally can relate, but he is a grown ass man and can text who he wants whenever. He doens't seem to have feelings for her from the context given, so don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2019): He deleted the text, because he has no reason to save them. You have no right to read them. Seems logical to me.
If she's begging and pleading for him to comeback; it would be even worse, if you could see such messages. The pleading is pathetic and ineffective! Obviously, because he remains with you!
If they are truly friends, she may be confiding some very personal matters. Why should you be privy, when you don't like her anyway?
If you get upset by everything you read, what are you going to do about it? He's a grown-man! He isn't likely to take orders from you regarding whom he chooses for friends; or give you authorization to review and monitor his messages.
If you're jealous AND insecure; you're not open to reason or compromise. We're getting a one-sided story here; so anything self-effacing is understandably omitted. The objective is to convince us to see it your way, or to tell you what you want to hear.
Look at what's happening just on knowing she sends him messages!
You're not his wife; and therefore not entitled to spousal-privileges, to put it succinctly. When he demanded to see your messages from "your ex," you had a right to decline. If you were afraid refusing to comply would make him leave you, that was on you. He would have been exercising his option to do so. The same option you have.
I'm somewhat skeptical about your comments about letting him see your phone. It just seems to convenient to support your argument; when you could have refused, if you wanted to. If you don't mind, doesn't mean he doesn't mind. I don't think anyone has a right to read my messages, but me. I can offer my phone to my partner, and not worry that he gives a hoot about my messages. It's just not an issue when you trust people.
You have a choice. If you don't like their friendship and his continued contact with her; you can issue a final-ultimatum. It is unlikely you will, because you want him so badly. Fearing he'd just go-back to her!
If you don't like that he insists on keeping his ex as a friend; you have the option to end the relationship. Insisting on reading their messages is apparently not an option. Not necessarily because he's hiding anything; but because you're already insecure. With or without reading the messages, you get upset. You don't trust him.
Two years, and you're still together. I guess his loyalty doesn't mean anything. He can't undo her feelings; but his feelings are not the same as hers. He belongs to you. You can undo that anytime you're good and ready.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2019):
 No, you are not crazy for thinking deleting a conversation is iffy.
However going straight to the "worse case scenario" is not fair either.
Why not have a conversation with him and ASK him HOW he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and HE knew you were texting with and ex and deleting the conversations.
It still doesn't mean you have the right to SEE the conversations. He told you they talked and he deleted the conversation.
Why he would honestly do that makes little sense if you don't use his phone or go through it. Unless it was like "taking out the trash" for him. As in I'm done with this conversation, out it goes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey talked via text - he deleted the conversation that they had with one another.
I'm worried that he was attempting to hide something. Am I crazy for thinking this?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (2 August 2019):
 OP you are going to make a problem where there isn't one. Your boyfriend was honest with you. He didn't have to be. If there was something suspicious going on he would not have told you about it. He deleted her texts ok..couldn't it just be because he didn't want them and didn't want to upset you. Give the man credit where credit is due. The EX has a problem..not the two of you. Ask him if he would consider blocking her? I understand that you don't like her texting him but he's been upfront so why don't you trust him. You either do..or you don't. If you dont...then you shouldn't be with him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 August 2019):
 If she still has feelings for him, that's HER problem, not YOURS or HIS. If he was remotely interested, surely he would have deleted her texts without mentioning them to you?
Don't make a big deal out of this. You shouldn't be reading each other's messages unless there is good reason for it. Why is it you don't trust him?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 August 2019):
 What has he done wrong here?
He has been very honest, he didn’t have to tell you in the first place. He could of kept it secret and you found out by mistake with your own eyes. Would you have preferred that? I think that would make you more upset.
He deleted them because he wasn’t interested by the sounds of things. Hopefully he’s blocked her number also. He likes like a decent guy tbh, I’m not sure what you’re getting upset at here, I can’t see anything he’s done wrong.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 August 2019):
 seems he has been rather up front about it. He probably deleted it for the very reason he said he did- not to up set you and isnt worth it. Stay cool for the moment and give him the benefit of the doubt. You could ask him to txt her to stop and see how that goes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI started talking to him about a year after he broke up with his ex. They had remained friends. She was very much still in love with him and has contacted him throughout our relationship. He has told me, "She would get back with me." I understand that I'm not owed to be shown his messages.He has asked in the past when my ex emailed me about our divorce matters if he could read those emails as they popped into my inbox. I had no issue with it and gave him my phone. And just in general I have no issue with him using my phone when he plays his game on it, looks things up, goes on youtube, etc. I have truly never 'looked through' his phone, or asked to use it. I have not and will not 'monitor' his phone.I'm worried he deleted the texts because he wanted to hide something.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2019): It seems you're making an argument for yourself to justify monitoring your boyfriend's phone. If anything was going-on, why would he alert you to cause you to become insecure and suspicious? Now that the phone has become a bone of contention; he knows it's a matter of time (if you haven't already) before you'll be going through his phone. If my partner demanded to look at my phone messages, I would refuse on general principle. I have nothing to hide, but I simply want the same amount of trust I have given-back in return.
I don't want to see anybody's phone messages; because they are none of my business. If we commit to each other, I guess I'll just rely on the honor-system. I'll trust you until I have solid evidence that I shouldn't.
Can you usually account for his time and whereabouts?
Explain what you think he should do to stop another person from having feelings for him?
How long after he and his ex broke-up, before you started dating? Odd that after two long years she's still pining for him. It would seem he left her for you, or he was possibly dating you while they were still together. That's usually the reason ex-girlfriends linger; and try to put a wedge between her ex and his new girlfriend. It seems this may be a vengeful act.
He has had two years to decide if he wanted his ex back; yet he's still with you. I think you simply don't trust him, and you're trying to get some kind of confession from him that he wants her back.
He admits he understands your insecurity, but how long will this go on? Will there be any point in time you'll simply suggest he might block her calls? I think that might be some measure of compromise that might make you feel better. Ask him nicely, and maybe he will.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2019):
He doesn't OWE you to show what she texted him. She might still have feelings for him, but he OBVIOUSLY moved on with YOU.
He CHOSE to delete them instead.
I would suggest you ask him, why not just block her?
And I think he made the choice to tell you she had texted so you KNEW what's going on, and that HE chose to delete the texts because he knows they make you uncomfortable.
At the end of the day, you can either CHOSE to trust him or not trust him. And if you CHOSE to not trust him, why are you with him?
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