A
male
age
,
*atweazlestoad
writes:do you feel slighted if you visit and phone others, but they dont reciprocate.what is the best reponse to this situation?should you reduce the frequency of your contact...accept that they dont value friendship as much as they do yours, or should you pull them up on it as soon as you see a pattern developing.i seem to be spending most of my time resentful and alone. the trouble is, i cant seem to look at others declining to visit and phone me..and not feel and view that as damaging to my self esteem.also its hard to pull someone up on their behaviour without making it seem like a big deal..and in revealing how much its affecting you-- giving them the whip hand in the friendship, and immediately degrading your self esteem even further.i want to find a win win resolution to this problem but i cant.surely this situation of an imbalance of contact is familiar to everyone-- lots of people must be in the position of mainly visiting others or mainly being visited by other people.so how do you ensure that your friends reciprocate,and what should you do..if they dont?
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female
reader, carebearer +, writes (30 August 2007):
Hello, your not alone Ive been in the same situation before and your are spot on it is damaging for one's self-esteem when your friends dont call or tex you.
A phone call or a text shows that you're running through someones mind, and if we never recieve calls etc it makes us think that no one cares or is interested in us.
In the past the same has happened with me, and when I mentioned to a friend that she never called me or replied she stopped altogether. Then I was just making all the effort and then when I stopped, all communication stopped, even though I know she calls other friends.
The way I see it is that to mention it to them would be like giving them the whip to beat you with- dont do that. I'd say when one finds them self in such a situation we should ask our selves what kind of people are we befriending. Cos there are some people out there who go through life making friends with everyone and they're always busy and rarely have time to return calls or meet up. These kind of people are very easy to make friends with, cos they're always making friends but their realtionships arent very deep and tend to be pretty wishy-washy. These might be the type of people you have befriended.
If so, dont worry beat yourself up about it, making friends who tend to have a bit more respect and balance is harder cos these type of people tend to be more closed and are more releuctant to make friends cos they may give more of themselves than the 'flighty' types.
When meeting people, just take time give an inch and take an inch. Wathc out for self- absorbed people or those with little compassion cos to me thats what friendship is all aboout, a friend wont want you to be lonely or sad they will try and cheer you up.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Juliet  +, writes (29 August 2007):
busy yourself!
Get out there and volunteer, get a job, etc.
YOU become the less available party, distract yourself!
Make brief contact, but only to invite people somewhere,etc
dont make calls/ drop in when you've nothing really new to say / no news. It will make people think you are basically lifeless ( sorry ), and they will presume you will be free when needed, or will make contact with them.
Tell them how busy you are, end conversations first occasionally and be bright and happy for a while.
Friends - the reason we want them is to add to our lives; enhance it etc. So be cheerful, charming, dont try to be best mates with people, enjoy the good time and dont think about wanting to be close to them.
Never mention that they dont return your calls etc, you were too busy to notice!
if nothing changes, you deserve better, x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): You can't make sure they reciprocate. All you can do is make a friend that likes you as much as you like them. If that hasn't been happening, maybe you chose the wrong people or you "smother" them. I wouldn't suggest calling someone more than once a week. And I would never just drop by to visit without calling and them approving first. I have been in that situation, and honestly it has made me pretty much just close up to people. If they want to call me, that's fine but I usually now let others be the one to make the effort. And I hate when people just stop by. It makes me annoyed, so you shouldn't do that if you are. Do you have a significant other? That will take a lot of the loneliness away, when you are thinking "why doesn't anyone ever call me?" You'll be with your s/o most of the time so you won't need to be thinking that way. I know that's not a solution, and you may not even want a girlfriend right now, but it helps me.
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