A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I am 20, I met a guy in December. I was in his town and I met him through a friend, I then went back to my city a few days later, we have been speaking ever since, we started to like each other, we are now doing long distance, we're not officially boyfriend/girlfriend but we are exclusively dating and still learning things about each other. (You may think exclusively dating and official is the same but I will explain that later on)Now I knew that something about him was off/not normal (he had issues of his own, but then everyone does so it wasn't a big deal for me). After speaking for a few months, I found out his mum passed away when he was 12. We then met up properly for the first official visit at the beginning of May and he stayed for three nights, and I picked up on his behaviour quickly. - He was not affectionate/expressive of his feelings. - He was closed off. - He would only cuddle if I cuddled up to him but even then I could tell he was not comfortable with it. - He didn't like to touch, eg. stroking arms/back, playing with hair, and all that. - He liked his own space and didn't like it when anyone came into his personal space, he referred to it as his own "shell" for his own thoughts and place of comfort.- He doesn't open up too much about personal issues.Obviously it was new to me, I've never had a boyfriend or exclusively dated someone for this long and all my years of observing relationships and couples, I have never seen or heard of someone doing this.He told me he became like this ever since his mum passed. He said he suppresses his feelings and he views things differently compared to others, he doesn't act "normally" (showing affection, trusting, being open) towards family and love interests and he himself feels like he's emotionally damaged/abnormal.I had my guard up and we carried on speaking, we met up again a few weeks later and again we talked about things. I assumed he had been in a relationship before because he told me he was seeing someone for 2 years, but I found out that was through convenience. They went to the same university, same course, same classes, saw each other daily, but neither of them wanted something serious, it was a casual relationship but he didn't need to open up because they had both agreed that once university was over and she was moving back home, they would end. So the relationship never developed emotionally because of the standards they had set, it was just something to pass the time.He told me he wants something long term with me, before visiting me he had never left his town. He hates stepping out of his comfort zone and he doesn't do so unless he truly does like somebody, and the fact that he traveled down to see me in my city is his way of showing me that he likes me and wants to make the effort to spend time with me.I've noticed slight changes in a good way, he talks to me a lot more, and even with phone calls, he despised them. He would come up with every excuse not to talk on the phone, but now he actually picks up the phone and calls me/family/friends etc. He said that he's trying to turn over a new leaf and behave in a different way. To me, this was progress, especially since I knew how much he hated talking on the phone to people. He recently came to visit again for the third time and stayed a couple nights again. We still carried on discussing things and he also told me he just can't open up to people. He wants to but it's going to take some time, it's like a subconscious defense mechanism. I know he has been like this since his mum passed and he told me he didn't mind behaving like that previously in his teen years because it didn't affect him in any way, he hasn't been in a relationship and his family members just accepted him that way, but as he's gotten older, he has realised that he wants to sort himself out as it's going to affect him in the future if he carries on this way. He wants to be able to show love to his relatives and love interest.And I noticed that he's not sentimental/romantic, he said this as well. He doesn't act upon emotion/feeling. He acts upon reason. He even said sex does not interest him highly, that he likes to spend time with me and sex isn't everything (which I definitely agree with) but the reason he said it doesn't interest him is because it requires being in someones personal space and that to him is not a comfortable feeling. There are a few things I feel that can be taught, when I picked him up from the train station I had a heavy bag on me which I could not lift up and down the stairs, at first I carried it until I asked him if he could help me out, he jokingly said "I'll think about it, maybe this one time haha" but soon after he was carrying it for me all the time, without me having to ask, it's a situation where maybe I just have to ask, because he can't figure it out for himself.In general I do feel as though he has allowed himself to stay like this for so long that the issues he has over his mothers death have seeped into other things and have affected him as a person by not being able to open up or show his feelings, or be sentimental/romantic. He withdraws from people, has a sense of numbness about him, doesn't show concern, etc. He did tell me that he needs time to sort out his emotions and the issues that he is dealing with so that he can be in a good place to let his feelings out, and that self-healing time is something he needs as well, but he does want something long term with me, but it's a matter of sorting himself out before being able to do that, which will take time, and this is why he didn't want to rush things and jump into a relationship/make things official yet. We agreed that for now, it may be best if we don't meet up for a while, we can carry on talking to each other but us not meeting up will give him that space he needs to gradually sort himself out, and that we'll meet up when he feels like he has made progression and I feel like I can see that progression. So maybe keep things on a more friendly basis for the time being.I feel like there's so much potential and he really has been understanding and patient with me, the way I have been with him. I have my own insecurities and stuff I've had to deal with and he has been understanding of all this, he has accepted me for who I am.I am unsure of how to deal with someone that's emotionally damaged, what do you guys think? Obviously there is a lot more to this story but I can't mention everything.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 You can't fix this. You can love him all you want but your love alone will never be enough to make him be a cuddly romantic partner.
And while you think sex is not important now, it will be eventually.
He's long distance, he's not emotionally connected to you or anyone and he's comfortable where he is emotionally.
I think being FRIENDS with him is GREAT but I would NOT be exclusive or consider him your boyfriend... leave your options open to find a man who you don't have to fix and mold to meet your needs.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 June 2013):
 It sounds very much as if he has Asperger's syndrome, which is a condition that makes social interaction difficult. People with Asperger's often miss social cues and find it hard to relate emotionally to other people.
They are often very intelligent and productive but can come off as cold, uncaring or aloof.This could also be related to mild autism.
This guy has been shaped by personal tragedy but the good thing is that he is aware of his behaviours and is willing to push himself to change.
You seem a acring person but you must never take on the responsibility to 'cure' him. You can be a listening ear, a friend and a companion, but his wider issues in dealing with the death of his mother at a young age need to be worked on with a counsellor or psychologist.
I do think there is hope here, but I would advise to take things slowly. He may never be the romantic prince you hope for, but with support, change and understanding he will come to trust you and this will provide benefits.
See yourself in a supporting role rather than the saviour because you are young yourself and you do not want to jepardise your own happiness. Be calm and mindful that he is always moving fowards and if he ever does or says anything that makes you feel threatened, or pushed out or ignored...you need to tell him.
With patience and the right help, you have a shot, but put yourself first and if this isn't panning out for you, do not feel bad for moving on!
Good luck!
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