A
female
age
41-50,
*adAmber
writes:I am in a lesbian relationship of five years and my girlfriend started to fall for a male coworker. We went to therapy and it turns out she had inner issues about her parents not accepting our relationship because of their Indian values (she has been shunned). Although she apologized for everything that happened, I am finding it so difficult to forgive her. She told me this whole emotional affair had been going on for a year. He would send her emails like "Does your girlfriend let you out in that outfit?" She even told him she thought he was "attractive"! She admitted to the therapist and I that she liked the sexual attention she received from males because she never had much interaction with them during her life. I am just so hurt and I do not know how to cope with all of this. I tried talking with the therapist, but it is not helping. I feel like my girlfriend is just a liar now. She keeps many of her thoughts from me, and it is like pulling teeth to get her to admit what she did was wrong. She has a huge pride issue and it really gets in the way of me being able to trust her again. Plus, she has this huge things with showing cleavage at work. I tell her it is not appropriate and I think she is doing it to get the wrong kind of attention. She tell me no. I don't trust her because she wore the shirts for the obvious reasons before. Does anyone know how I can cope with all of this hurt and anger? My girlfriend just wants me to grin and bear it. Thank you for your help and I appreciate any suggestions sent my way.
View related questions:
affair, at work, co-worker, lesbian, liar Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Glad you're moving on. I just have to correct something the other poster stated. She may dress like a whore or a slut, but that is by her choice. We can't change the way others act, but we can change the way we do.
As far as drooling. Nope, I decided 2 1/2 years ago to remain single til death do I part, and am holding too that.
As you move on, remember that affairs are not generally with the intent to cause harm to the person they are with. They are a choice. Her behavior doesn't make you any less of a person. All though this relationship isn't working out, you have learned from it, which will empower future relationships.
A
female
reader, SadAmber +, writes (30 May 2008):
SadAmber is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your posts, even if I did not agree with what you had to say. I gratefully appreciate the selflessness you have shown by providing me with different viewpoints on your own time. Here is an update:I have decided to not take this relationship seriously anymore. After five years, a relationship is suppose to be something more, and instead, this one is something less. I am hoping for a slow fade out where I will become more involved with my college and work life, subsequently, drowning out my love for her. She has chosen a path I disdain--whoredom. What the last poster said was very strange because we do live in Los Angeles. I think I will work on getting away from this place, her, and all of the crap that flows out of Hollywood's gutters. I was raised in a healthy environment that taught me better than to tote my body for the sake of attention. Funny thing, I have WAY more friends than she does. Oh well. Such a sad sad ending. I was committed, she wasn't. I respect myself, she doesn't. I work towards success, she ignores her own potential. When life throws you lemons, throw them back!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): It sounds to me that the male responders are the only ones calling you controlling. I think they just want your girlfriend to roll their way. How deep do her issues go with men? She was shunned you say? This may have made her feel an even more wavering sentiment towards being with you. I do not think you are controlling at all. You are obviously a monogamous person who wants a respectful relationship that does not bring any third persons into the relationship. I think you need to go back to the therapist and try to work this out. You need to be strong; I know this deeply hurts. By the way, heterosexual males are not going to understand where you are coming from since you are both females in a relationship that does not involve the same attitudes I full heartedly agree with you about the cleavage. Of course the men in the room think you are being controlling. HA! Keep drooling boys. I think it also matters where you are living. Places like Los Angeles are brimming with sexually overt imagery that can slowly eat away at a female. In my town, girls who wear cleavage are not respected. They are called whores and sluts, however, that is just because we understand how dressing "sexy" can give off the wrong message. What it all comes down to is if this is her preference, then let her go. Take a deep breath and let her go to that world where she is a piece of meat on the market, the same market the man on this posting shop. There are plenty of other women, and even men, who may share your same views about relationships. Five years? That is a long time. Make a list of several places you find fun and go to them alone. You might find a self love beyond a superficial girlfriend =) Peace and happiness to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Drmks909 +, writes (30 May 2008):
She is obviously showing you signs that she isn't as committed to your relationship as you want her to be for some reason. I agree with a previous poster suggesting that you sound like you are attempting to control her attempting to keep the relationship together, and in the end that is a futile undertaking.
You stated that she wants you to grin and bear it, but it sounds more like to me that she is transforming as a person (not even necessarily just sexually) and wishes you to accept the new her. Her flirtation with male coworkers and her new style of dress are key indicators of this.
It is often difficult to watch our partners grow because often if feels as if they are trying moving away from us, when in reality they are only trying to continue growing as an individual (like i said, sometimes a tough pill to swallow). I think you should take time to get to know the new her, whether it is a phase or not, and decide if she is still the kind of woman you want to be with. If she is, then try to be be accepting of her and I think you will find yourself a) closer and b) more trusting. If not, then it is time to realize that you two might have grown too far apart and in fairness to you both move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, SadAmber +, writes (29 May 2008):
SadAmber is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your replies. My girlfriend is bisexual, but I then again, so am I. Here is the thing, we all have fantasies once in a while that pop into our head about other people. This does not mean that we should just run wild with them every time they come up (hint hint to the pedophiles out there). In the beginning, she was not like this. It was only since she started working at this job where the coworker is that she started to dress more provocatively. I know there are some schools of thought on dress code that find cleavage appropriate, however, the professional world begs to differ. My insecurities stem from what happened with this guy at work. It wasn't like she always wore low line shirts from the start. She says she wants to feel sexually attractive, but that is not in the job description...AND since when was sex a part of the moral world.
Are they any other suggestions on how to cope with this issue?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Your Girlfriend sounds like she doesn't take your relationship seriously. I totally understand why you find it difficult to forgive her. I am soo sorry that you are experiencing this with your 5 year relationship. Maybe you should call it quits :( She obviously isn't taking your feelings to heart. It sounds like she is trying to end it with out telling you. There are many women out there that wouldn't do this to you. I know I am stating the obvious but..... She sounds like she is playing you! You are a lesbian she is Bisexual and that just doesn't mix right. I think that your Girlfriend needs to figure her life out. I think you need to hurt the way love does and move on :(
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 May 2008):
Lets look at this a different way. You keep saying "I want, I think, I believe" What about her thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. I know girls who show a bit of clevage. They get attention, but the reason they dress sexy is for their feeling attractive. The attention is okay, as long as she doesn't take them up on their offer.
What is wrong is you are attempting to control her behaviors, how she dresses, and acts. That ends up taking away their sense of self, and eventually you'll end up lossing that person. You need to focus on building your relationship without judging her for who she is. Your with her for her, and not to attempt to change her.
You need to sit with her and discuss the insecurities you both may share in the relationship. Be honest, not hostile. Let her know how you really feel behind the requests you've made. By reading this, I sense you're afraid of loosing her, and feel others who may seem attracted to her are competition, when her intentions may be to remain with you.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Are you sure she is gay? maybe she is a closet hetro?........sure sounds like it to me move on with your life and find someone new
...............................
|
