A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:She's only known him a few weeks but they are REALLY moving fast and apparently he's saying he loves everything she does already and inviting her over for sleepovers. They haven't slept together yet apparently he has told her that he expects to "take charge" in bed, for him to be "dom" and her to be "sub" and that he "insists on physical contact" (when they were both hinting at sex). She says he says it in a joking way but she's concerned cos hes like this massive giant dude who drinks a lot and my sis is tiny. And when she herself tries to initiate sex he shuts her down.He also seems to have a race fetish apparently, she said he keeps banging on about the fact she's petite and East Asian and how "petite East Asian women are my weakness, I could do with one in my life." Maybe I'm reading it differently to her bc I'm more mature for some reason but it sounds like he has weird ideas about submissive East Asians based on porn.She tells me everything but Im worried for her. She says he is nice and laid back but I think he sounds like a complete weirdo! I don't live in the same city unfortunately so I haven't been able to have a word with this creep.How can I convince her he's bad?! :( He sounds potentially abusive but apparently he is "Nice" NOW so of course she's head over heels smh.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 What kind off person jokes about rape? Honestly I have never heard off such a terrible thing to threaten someone with, glad she finished with him. I just hope he doesn't carry out his threats to anyone.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 March 2017):
 I hope nobody bothers dating him until/unless he changes his dangerous thoughts. Your sister is lucky she wised up before he hurt her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for advice :)
She just stopped seeing him! (without me intervening). Apparently they were sexting (without pictures) and he pretty much said that he would rape her given the chance. And when she told him off and about the Asian thing he was selfish so she blocked him.
It's over I'm sure, thanks :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): You probably can't convince her. People in the first throes of a relationship are blind. You just need to be there for her should time remove the scales from her eyes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): I see a lot more to be worried about than just the drinking, although that is a large part of what there is to be worried about. The fact that only HE is allowed to initiate sex is a very big red flag. This is a classic abusive tactic. It sets the scene for the whole of the relationship too. Abusive men like to be the ones calling the shots. HE does not, as an abusive man, care about, nor respond to, her needs. Her needs are not seen a being important. They are not his concern. I'm not just talking about sexually. ANY NEEDS. This also sets the scene for the whole relationship too. HIS needs are the only ones that are going to be met. HE WILL NOT CARE ABOUT HER NEEDS AT ALL. The opposite in fact.I'm not saying that he or anyone HAS to respond to someone when they want sex, but I am saying that when this is the norm for your sister in this relationship that HE IS ABUSIVE. Moving fast is also classically abusive. This is how abusive men work. They sweep women off their feet, make them feel wonderful, so that they ignore the massive red flags waving in their face. Abusive men work quickly for this very reason. To get you tied down to them, before you come to your senses. Your sister is already questioning aspects of this relationship. As well she should and yes, you should be very worried. I have had three abusive relationships and started to understand what was happening to me by reading about abuse. Knowing what was going on and why, helped me enormously.Abusive partners pick and choose from a variety of abusive tactics out there. Sexual abuse being one of them and I'm really worried that this large man when drunk especially, will cause your sister great distress. Please show her this answer and ask her to listen to someone who's been there. I only understood about abuse by reading about it. I was lucky. I got away. So far anyway. Nearly four years later and the last one is still trying to get into my mind and life. I am still scared by him sometimes. I have had my health ruined forever from the stress. I want her to read about the horrific accounts of abuse that I have. One I will never forget is the man who tied his partner to the bed while she lay on her front and smoked next to her, putting cigarettes out in the flesh of her buttocks. Then he left her there all night while he went to stay with his other woman. They had children together but she had no idea where they were. He had taken them to live this other woman who they now called 'mummy'. HIs wife didn't know about the other woman. He would come back in the morning and act as if the state in which he found her, was her fault. The tears, the pain, the terror and desperation. He would tell her to clean herself up because he wouldn't bring the children to see her if she looked such a mess. She would shower and try to remove the cigarette buts planted down in her flesh with searing agony. BEFORE anyone says 'why doesn't she just leave?' you have to realise that she has been broken, spiritually, emotionally and physically. It is all she can do to get through every day alive. She can't think straight. She is devastated and terrified. And she has no-one to turn to because he would have made sure that her friends and family had been ostracised before the abuse started in earnest. I quote this instance, not with any reference to sexual abuse and your sister, but because it is the one that I can't forget. This is not rare, there is SO much abuse going on in relationships out there at the moment. It is RIFE. I don't want to scare you, but I want you to show this answer to your sister and I want to alert her to the possible dangers of this man.Be aware of any attempts by him to ostracise you. You are probably his biggest enemy right now, if he knows that she confides in you. YOU know that something is wrong. He sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen. The book I cannot recommend enough is 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. I advise that you read this book first. Educate yourself about what to look out for in your sister's relationship. Thank God that she shares this with you, so you can help her. See if you can get her to read it also, but obviously not with his knowledge. It will help her to see the different tactics that he is using. She will see his behaviour written down there in black and white and it will help her to realise that what he does to her is calculated and meant to harm her. She will hopefully realise that he actually DOES NOT LOVE HER at all, but wants her submissiveness, not just in bed, but throughout this relationship. He wants her to lose her confidence, her judgement, her friends and family and her life. He wants her to serve his needs, THAT IS ALL. He does not want a loving relationship. He is not rational, logical or reasonable. He is very clever though and she will never win anything because the goal posts will constantly be changed. What he is pleased about her behaviour today, will spark a beating tomorrow. I'm saying this is how abusive men work. I'm not saying that this is how he will behave, but it could well be. HE IS ABUSIVE. Make no mistake about that. This book will hold a mirror up to his behaviour and I hope she will be able to see the reflection. I really do. For her sake. Good for you for being there for her. And PLEASE whatever he tries, don't leave her, or give up on her. Stay where she can always get you. If I'm right, she's going to need you.PLEASE SHOW THIS TO HER. I would have found it hard to believe of my last boyfriend who was wonderful, generous, loving, funny and the best man I had ever met. Until he got me. Then slowly, slowly, he started to be the worst man I ever met. If there's anything you feel I can help with then please post back. I'll look out for other posts. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): You probably can't convince her. People in the first throes of a relationship are blind. You just need to be there for her should time remove the scales from her eyes.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 March 2017):
The thing that worries me is that he's told her what he expects in bed, not asked her if she wants it too. Some people like being dominant and having partners who are submissive, but it must be what they both want. If your sister doesn't, she needs to leave him because he's not even asked her if she wants and consents to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Youcannotbeserious Thank you. Yes, I guess she does have the rose glasses on and it's her business but obviously I care about her. He doesn't sound nice :(
Sorry btw, I don't know if I typed the OP clearly - she has told me that he didn't just bring up dom/sub sex but also say that he'd be willing to rape her or ignore consent (in a "jokey" way so she doesn't take it seriously). They were apparently hinting at having sex while flirting and he said that he "insisted" on it because "it was one of his needs".
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 March 2017):
 Just because he is into "sub/dom" sex does not mean he is a potential abuser. HOWEVER, this sort of sex will only work for someone who is happy to be submissive. Is this what your sister likes?
I also see no problem with him having a liking for women of a particular race. We cannot help the type of people we are physically attracted to.
The part which WOULD worry me would be the drinking, if it is excessive.
Your sister is an adult. At the moment she is wearing rose coloured love glasses and will hear no bad about this guy. The more you criticize him to her, the more she will stick up for him and the less likely she will be to share any future problems with you. In your shoes I would keep an open mind until he does something wrong. Make sure your sister knows she can always talk to you (this may include biting your tongue sometimes) and let her find out for herself what this man is really like. He may surprise you and be a good partner. Fingers crossed.
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