A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i in iove with a married man and he feels the same but he is afraid to leave his wife. we get on together and share a lot. how can i convince him to take the next step? We are same age, we trust each other too.
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female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (11 April 2010):
you cannot convince him to leave her, he needs to do this himself. but please do not hold your breath, seems like you are doing the chasing and dictating him to leave his wife. becareful this doesn't blow up in your face, if it hasn't done so already.
A
female
reader, I_don't_know  +, writes (31 March 2010):
You know, I was dating someone for a while. In the beginning he told me he was single. He was a complete gentleman, treated me very well, called everyday. He was very loving and giving even during sex. Well, last week he decided to tell me he had a girlfriend. He said he was getting too involved with me and didn't want to keep lying anymore. You know what I told him? Be Happy! I saw him one more time because I needed to know details before I could move on. It turns out they've been together for four years, live together and he shares a business with her father. She is in law school and was there for him in some really tough times. She sounded like such an amazing woman. He told me she wasn't pretty, she was a little overweight, which to me meant he was not physically attracted to her. Anyways when I told him be happy he said crying, "I feel like I love you so much! You're the one I know!" My response was, I can't say I won't see you again, I can't say I don't love you, I can't say we won't be together in the future, because saying that would hurt me more than it would hurt you. However, I don't date commited or married men because I DESERVE better. I told him Be Happy, however you choose to, but leave me out of it. I changed my number the next day because he wouldn't stop calling. I can finally say I don't want him. Changing my number cutting him off completely took weight off my shoulders and I can breathe again. Not to mention the pride I have in myself for doing the right thing. I feel sorry for his girl, and I never want to be her. Screw him! I WANT TO BE HAPPY, I want self respect, I deserve it. My advice, dump him, he's not worth your time. It will be hard, but you will get through it. Do u want the responsibility of the end of someone's reationship? I surely don't. BE HAPPY! He's a jerk and an asshole for doing this to both of you, but ultimatelly you have control of your own life, you be who you want to be. He will only hurt you as much as you let him. Wish you luck and I feel for you, been there... It's painful but it doesn't have to last.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (31 March 2010):
 How can you trust someone who is cheating on his wife?
I hope he leaves her. That poor woman needs to find someone who isn't jerk enough to cheat on her.
You could always call her and relieve her of her burdon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 March 2010):
 You can't MAKE him leave his wife. Most likely he won't. If what he felt for you were so overwhelmingly right, he would have left her BEFORE starting up a new relationship.
As it stands now, he has his cake and gets to eat it too. Why would he want to leave?
I think you have been had. I think you a fooling yourself if you think you can trust this guy and that he trusts you back. Just because the two of you share a dirty little secret doesn't mean you can trust him or that he trusts you.
If you think he is the one, I would tell him and then walk away. At least til he is done being married. Unless you like being the "other" woman.... and get another woman's leftovers....
I see nothing good coming from a "relationship" with a married person. It's drama, heartache, lies, deceit, disrespect and cruelty... and that is JUST what YOUR married man is doing to his WIFE.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 March 2010):
You've been had. He doesn't love you, he's just using you. If he didn't love his wife, then he would have left in a second before he'd even met you. He's not going to leave, he's just going to use you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): I wish girls could sometimes see in to the mind of a married man. Whatever he feels for you, it is not on the same level for what he feels for his wife. No matter what he tells you. If you meant so much to him, he wouldn't be with his wife. It is really that simple.
Move on sweetie, you are young and can find a good single man who you can one day make your husband. You deserve that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): mmmmm married men rarely leave their wives and even if he does, how can you be sure he won't do the same thing to five years from now
does he have children, or strong financial ties?? people stay married for all sorts of reasons .. it is one thing to fantasise about leaving for a new leave but quite another thing to actually do it .. it depends on so many factors ie what sort of personality does he have? can he live without a woman or not? is he weak and gets bored easily? etc etc
if he can lie to her he can lie to you .. he is deceitful - don't forget that! i know some people do realise, rarely, that they married the wrong one and don't want to live their lives like that so they leave .. if that is the case he will speak to you seriously about leaving her and actually do it
i am 42 and i have known & known of/hear of many many many many women over the years who have been involved with married men and to date, I can count on one hand the cases where he actually left .. and in one case the devastation if caused left him clinically depressed because his wife was near suicidal and his children still don't speak to him
breaking up a marriage is a big big deal .. far better to let the two of them decide what to do with their marriage on their own rather than based on a third party
your post would need to give more info to be able to answer it properly .. why is he afraid to leave his wife?? he either wants to leave and be with you, or he doesn't and there will be factors and reasons involved in both scenarios
whatever happens, take care of your life and your mental health cos these situations can drag you down and getting involved with an unavailable man is never the best idea
i suppose the bottom line is, are you prepared to carry on being his secret mistress if he doesn't leave?
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A
female
reader, aliyahnangelo +, writes (31 March 2010):
 this is why you don't get involved with married men. not only is it wrong but u end up getting the short end of the stick. if he didn't leave her for u yet then he probably won't. and who is to say that u are his first mistress? even if he did leave her for u, one day he would do the same thing to u. dating married men is a waste of time, energy and emotion. they are no good. find a single guy and save yourself the drama. i feel sorry for his wife. u should too. be a smart woman and do the right thing, END IT. you're selling yourself short. Is "the other woman" really what u want to be? your embarrassing yourself and his wife. come on now.
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A
male
reader, beargrylls +, writes (31 March 2010):
 i can advise you notwhat to do. Don't threaten him into leaving her or give him ultimatums, doing that does not ever work. make him realise what he would be missing if he stayed with his wife, maybe ande it's only a maybe. make him jealous but play very carefully with that one if at all. very hard to make a man leave his wife especially if there are kids involved. i left my wife for another woman because i really loved the other woman but did not love my wife at all, i ended up marrying the other woman and having our daughter with her. even though i am divorced from her now we have this little girl who is my world. so leaving my ex ex had major affect in my life but things could also be disastrous as well, very carteful planning needed. try doing things that his doesn't do for him and i dont mean sexual things, see if he does the same things for as he does for his wife. When he says he's frighted of leaving her it probably means he doesnt want to as he may still have feelings for her, in most divorce cases the woman would receive most of the assets, thats what he may be frightened of. if he truly loves you he will build up the courage and come to you with your support but dont push him. i did it for love so can he, good luck my dear
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (31 March 2010):
 If you are having an affair with a married man then trust is not guaranteed. Every "mistress" feels like they are the more important one between them and their wife, but in all honesty that is not true. HE is the more important one to himself. That is why he is having this affair.
My suggestion is to end it and end it now. Most likely all he will do is keep using you as much as he can. The odds of him leaving his wife for you are low.
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A
female
reader, Agony Auntie Smiles +, writes (31 March 2010):
 "If he were serious about you he would not need any convincing", that's what I heard Wilma Proops tell someone in the same situation.
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