A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 42 year old woman, married for 17 years with two boys aged 14 and 12. A few years ago I got in touch with a man I fell in love with when I was 19 but due to family pressures we split up and I started to date my husband. When I met this man again I realised that I still loved him, and he still loves me. However he is married too with 4 daughters ranging from 7 - 15. He's 45 now. We both long to be together but he can't leave his children. We communicate by phone and email and see either other infrequently. We haven't slept together, although there's plenty of desire and attraction there still. While I love my kids and my husband this man is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. How can I get him to see that his kids will still love him even if he doesn't live at home with them any more. How can I convince him to leave his family to be with me. I do honestly believe that he wants to - he's told me so himself, but when it comes to the crunch he just can't do it.What should I do?
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female
reader, emberrain  +, writes (4 March 2009):
I also have to agree with k_c100.
I had a very similar experience with my first love. We thought we loved each other still after 9 years. I was wrong. He still loved me but i just needed closure. Did you ever think maybe that's what's going on with him? Or maybe he's having a tough time with his wife and has decided you'd be a good ego stroke?
If he didn't tell you he has left her then most likely he never will.
It seems to me he has decided that the life he has with his children living with him and his wife of how ever long is more impotent to him. And the thing is he's right.
He made a vow before his friends, family and even god to be with this woman no matter what until the day one of them died. And unless you've forgotten you did too. At least one of you is actually taking it seriously and thinking about more them just them selves.
A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (2 March 2009):
 I totally agree with Saturnsdesire, and couldn't put it better myself!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Unfortunately there is nothing you can do here. You cannot force him to leave as this should be something he wants to do for himself.
If he doesnt leave then I guess you may just have to face up to the fact that he will never leave his wife for you. You are asking a lot of him to do this - and you will be sacrificing a lot too. Two families will be torn apart by this and two families will be hurt by your actions; it has to come at the right time (if ever at all) and only your lover will know when the right time is for him.
You will have to make your choice; do you wait around for him in the hope that he does leave, knowing this could take years? Or do you call it a day, and you both work on your marriages?
You should have never gotten married if you felt your husband was not the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, that way you would not be causing the pain you are inflicting on your family now.
I find it hard to condone this behaviour; you made vows to your husband and you should respect them. And your kids, while of course they will still love you, they will be scared for life by the experience of their parents divorcing. They will resent you, and the new man in your life for splitting mum and dad up.
If this man is not willing to leave then he is not totally committed to your dream of the two of you being together. Maybe this is a warning sign that things wont go as well as you planned, and that this plan for you to be together is just a dream. It would be nice of a change if you both decided to work on your marriages, and keep your families together.
But somehow I cant see that happening, marriage today is taken too lightly and vows are easily broken. I think you need to face the gravity of the situation just as your lover is doing; it should not be an easy decision where you think "oh the kids will be fine they will still love me". Think carefully and make sure you do the right thing by everyone involved in this mess.
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