A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in the process of getting a divorce and my husband just wont let go. We have two kids, 6 and 3. When he was a baby his mom didn't make all the right decisions, so now he thinks that it will be the end of the world for our kids too, and is trying to give me the pity trip, bigtime, and I know he probably wont approve the divorce because of it. How do I explain to him that everything will be ok, as long as we both are the parents we should be, even if we aren't together?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (7 May 2008):
 i went thru something similar and my kids r older. We have shared custody, one week with me the other with him. He lives close by me, i explained to him that the fighting and arguying was no good for the kids and actually caused more damage. So far its been alright but he still gives me a hard time andsays he will never want another woman but me. Eventually if a Divorce is what u really want u will have to be strong and file for divorce, and he will have to deal with it. However, think closely if this is what u want for u and what are the consequences of being alone with ur kids, for me it has been very hard and lonely. Stay strong and good luck.
A
male
reader, Marriedtwokids  +, writes (7 May 2008):
Look, at this point in time he is feeling his life is over. Don't get me wrong, I'm passing no judgements here. I am just trying to give you a guy perspective and I think that would apply, to a greater or lesser extent, for most men. Men, or rather "good family men", invest a huge amount of themselves into their family - as society constantly tells them to. Breaking it apart, even if "civilised", basically breaks a huge part of them. He will loose his wife, family and home.
It is easy to say "it will be ok, as long as we both are the parents we should be, even if we aren't together" when (I assume) you will have custody and will see the children pretty much every day. He will go from seeing them every day to seeing them once or twice a week. He will still be a part of their life, but a smaller part, which will hurt. Multiply that up if and when you find another partner.
I know it would rip me apart if my wife divorced me but as I said, I am passing no judgements. Just consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed and he was going to get custody. In that light try and be is kind (but firm) as you can be and keep reassuring him, not just verbally but also by being as reasonable as you can be on issues of access.
...............................
A
male
reader, Soysauce +, writes (7 May 2008):
maybe u shouldnt split, tearing a marriage affects the parents a lt but it effects the children more, especialy when there young, i may be 16 and all that, but i really think u shouldn't divorce
-soy
...............................
A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (7 May 2008):
Men love women, and women love kids. We just don't think the same way. For your guy, it's probably the end of the world, yet you still connect to the kids. For you, everything may be OK. For him, he's lost everything. Most likely, his self image includes you, and by extension, the kids. Your self image includes yourself, and by extension the kids. Do you get it?
For him, everything is lost. His purpose in life was to have his wife and keep her happy(with kids). Yours was likely mostly to have kids, and you still will have them. He may recover, but with a major part of himself missing. It can take years to decades.
Most divorces are instigated by women - either directly or otherwise. Men need women far more than women need men today - especially after having kids.
You can tell him he will still be the dad and is important, but that is no comfort to a man losing his wife, regardless of the reason.
...............................
|
