A
female
age
41-50,
*royssweetie
writes:i am an american citizen. i met an australian man over the internet last year and things progressed with our relationship rapidly. like we were soul mates. i have been in australia with him for 4 months now and i love him more than anything. we want to work out my visa so i can stay here and marry him. but we seem to have issues. he gets very jealous if i even glance at other men and for the past few days he has been asking me constantly if i am being faithful. i do know that he has been burnt really bad by other women in the past. but i have tried everything like telling him and showing him in little ways every day that i love him, but it doesn't seem to do any good. i am not allowed to work on the visa i have so i am home alone all day while he is working. so i can't really blame him for thinking this way. anyone have any suggestions as to how i convince this man that i want to only love him forever? thanks in advance
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jealous, soul mates, soulmate, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I've been thinking about your follow up for awhile.
His paranoia goes beyond the bounds of any sane reason whatsoever. I think he's beyond believing any reassurances that you can give him, and I also think that if I were you I'd give up on him unless he goes and gets some professional help.
It seems to me that he wasn't in the process of making love to you, more a process of checking you over to 'prove' his theory that you've been elsewhere.
This isn't going to get any better, and will probably get worse the more he convinces himself that you're being unfaithful. You're banging your head against a brick wall. I really think you'd be better off leaving him before he starts to get violent. He was probably afraid that he might be, which could be why he drove off in his car - to cool off.
I would get out now before the going gets even tougher.
Phil
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Don't be a martyr. I can't really believe what you've written. It is out of this world. I would say your man, and you, need some professional help. The more you console and play the game, the more you confirm his need to rule the roost. This is getting out of hand. Let me leave you with one thing, you can never prove something you didn't do. How can you prove you didn't cheat? It's impossible. What evidence could you come up with to prove you didn't? Do you really think it's reasonable to keep a journal of your hourly movements and thoughts to solve this problem? That is not reasonable.
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female
reader, troyssweetie +, writes (16 October 2007):
troyssweetie is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks for all the advice from everyone. i constantly explain to him that cheating isn't in my nature. i believe in long committed relationships as so does he. i tell him every day how satisfied i am and how much i love him. i tell him all the things he does that i love and how much he makes me happy. i constantly tell him he is the only one for me. i got tommy7's imput first and that's what i did. i told him as soon as he got home that he is and always will be the only one for me.. he looked at me with those loving eyes and said he was sorry for even thinking it. as the night went on, we got a little busy in bed. he was playing with me (which i love to feel him touch me) and pulls his hand out and shows me that it was white.... he threw me off of him and insisted it was cum from another man. which i know it was just from him touching me cause i am sensitive like that but of course he did not believe me. we fought for hours. him telling me that he doesn't trust me and thinks that i have never loved him and everything i say is lies. so, he gets in the car and takes off for an hour. he doesn't have a license so of course i was worried sick that he got pulled up or killed himself cause he's suicidal sometimes. when he came home, all i could do was keep telling him i loved him and would never cheat. crying my eyes out. he said that i better not be lying and he said he was sorry. again, when we woke up, he said how sorry he was and that it will take time for him to trust me because of all the hurt he has been threw. but this is the third time an argument of this nature has happened. i cant tell him to come home unexpectedly to catch me as i am his means of getting to and from work. i have told him that if i need to, i will write down what i do every hour of every day. he says that i don't need to do that. i just need to be truthful and faithful. ok.... i'm doing that. i'm ready to rip my hair out. and as a reply to eddie. no. i cant blame him for thinking it. if you knew what women have done to him, i'm surprised i got him to date me at all. not one person in his life has ever respected him. women have cheated and used him for everything he had. and his best mates did the same thing. so his trust issues are severe.he tells me all the time that i am his only family and best friend. i would never suggest to him that i think he is cheating. all that would do is make him think i am cheating even more because i know that he isn't. he always tells me that im the sweetest girl and that he never met anyone like me and if i ever did anything to him like others have done, it would cut him like a knife in the heart and he would rather shoot himself in the head than to be hurt by me. so, what am i to do now? do i just let the accusations continue and keep denying? i'm starting to get really depressed about the whole situation and not sure how much longer i can go through it. but ending our relationship is not an option. he is the love of my life. i'm so confused. i have had people in the past think i have cheated but it never bothered me cause i didn't love them. i love this man more than anything else in this world. i gave up my home and my business, my car and my pets, moved to australia, the other side of the world to be with this man. yet still, he does not see that i would never purposly hurt him.... i dont know... :(
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female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Just keep on telling him that you love him and that you will always be there for him. He was hurt so bad by other women in the past, and he doesn't want to go through that again. My husband was also hurt in the past, and I went through what you are experiencing at this moment. It will get better in time! Your man will begin to start trusting you with each and every day that goes by. Just be there for him!
Also just pray about it, God will do the rest!
Good Luck and God Bless
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (16 October 2007):
You can't blame him for thinking you're cheating because you're alone at home while he's at work???????? One has absolutely nothing to do with the other !! Sure, you could be cheating, sleeping,,building an atom bomb, planning to overthrow the government, sky diving etc. The list is endless. Why did he decide to assume you're cheating? Of all the things he could assume you're doing while he's at work, why cheating. You're accepting too much too soon is the interest of not rocking the boat.
Suggest to him that you think HE'S cheating because he's got all day to cheat, while he's away from home. That makes as much sense as what you've said.
What do you think. Quit justifying or pacifying his remarks by stroking his ego and silly questions. What he's accusing yo of is not very nice. Why would you let him scrutinize you that way? Let him know you're tired of the accusations. Be supportive of him and let him know exactly how you feel but be firm in your statement that you will not put up with the jealousy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): I agree with Tommy.
Also, he sounds very insecure. Perhaps this is not surprising if he's been cheated on in the past, but he needs to get this issue out of his system and fast.
Some people are 'un-convinceable' and he might be one of them. I think you need to sit him down and tell him that if he's not careful, his not trusting you will drive a wedge between you. Unless he can show 100% trust in your relationship it will hit the rocks very quickly. Jealousy and not trusting someone is just about the surest way I know of breaking up a relationship.
Unless you end up working or being by his side all day every day, he's not going to know what you've been doing all day. Until he can accept that you've not been a naughty girl, the only way I can think of getting his trust at the moment would be to tell him to come home unexpectedly at any time during the day to try to catch you out. But it shouldn't have to come to such extremes as that.
Phil
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reader, Tommy7 +, writes (16 October 2007):
He needs constant feedback accounting for your time. He'll trust you and stop asking for reports after awhile. Keep telling him that he's the only one for you. Give him all your attention.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Explain to him that cheating isn't in your nature, and you would never cheat on him because there's no reason to, you're completely satisfied and you love him. tell him all the things he does that make you happy.
Still if he is continually unable to accept that you aren't cheating on him, his jealousy and suspicion might just get more intense as your relationship progresses. You need to gauge how intense his jealousy is and pay attention to whether or not he is becoming controlling.
best,
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