A
female
age
30-35,
*parta101
writes:ok...i have a bad problem. ok im young like high school young and so is my bf!we have been together for almost 10 months and i really think that i love him and he loves me to!but my problem is that i am verry controlling and i dont like it when he talks to other girls or goes places with out me!i dont know what to do because i dont wanna lose himand i really wanna change.i have been cheated on alot and i know that thats part of it but he is differentany advise thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (9 December 2008):
 I think it is great that you have acknowledged that side of yourself when you are so young. It is definitely something you need to work on now as the urge to control gets worse the older you get the more it remains unchecked. I am in my 40's and very controlling because like you I have been very badly cheated on in the past. The fact of the matter is that you can never control someone else and you are never going to know where someone is or what they are doing 100% of the time. You need to accept this and physically stop yourself asking where they are or looking plainly jealous when they are talking to other women. The more you ask men where they are the more they hate it and will think of reasons to not tell you. When he is with his female friends just smile, bite back and join in. force yourself not to ask controlling type questions as it doesn't help a relationship. I have found men will tell you something if they want you to know , but not if forced or pushed. Conversely, sometimes the less you ask the more they will tell you. As far as I can see he has done nothing to warrant you feeling suspicious or lead you to doubt him so try to give him a bit of free rein and see what happens. All the best,
A
female
reader, babyminow +, writes (9 December 2008):
 well my best friend is a guy, and when he got a girfriend she told him not to talk to me anymore. you dont know how it hurt to hear you cant talk to your best friend. just think how that felt. my advise is remember he is with you and you need to trust him
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A
female
reader, iwantit +, writes (9 December 2008):
Well, this is a question that all of us women fall under, but don't think you are alone, because men are the exact same way.
Some men enjoy a controlling woman, and some don't.
The answer to your behavior request for advice, is not to change, but let go of a little of the insecurities you may have.
Being that you two have been together for a while, tells me that your boyfriend loves you for who you are.
Still, let him make some of the decisions, and see how he reacts. You may not even be doing anything wrong.
But you will find out.
Secondly, you must understand that he is still with you. Which says alot. He is not looking to be single and you aren't either.
So, try seeing things his way as well. It will be fine.
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A
male
reader, metalinvasion92 +, writes (9 December 2008):
 Hey I'm about the same age as you and have been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months too, and my girlfriend sounds like she's exactly like you..........and trust me when i say if the guy loves you as you said he wont break up with you or nothing no matter what, but in all honesty from a guys point of view when a girl is a little controlling its a good thing, but when it's like a ridiculous amount of control it's not good...........I told my girlfriend straight up that if she gets jealous or anything just talk to me about it, and i will face to face respond with 100% honesty. Really all you gotta do is trust your boyfriend, And if for some reason you get jealous or something goes wrong then just nicely talk to him face to face...........DO NOT YELL, it's no fun being yelled at for hangin out with friends that just happen to be of the opposite sex. All i can really tell ya is you just have to trust him, and when you start to get bad thoughts just talk to him............good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (9 December 2008):
 The best thing about this is that you have self awareness and are able to look at yourself honestly ! I know so many people even past 40 who have zero!
Best thing to do is see about trying to control your impulses and try not to drive someone crazy with your insecurities. Easier said than done! Everyone has controlling issues to some degree. There are a lot of websites with information about control issues. You'll be fine. You are also a considerate person and that's a plus.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (9 December 2008):
 Hi honey, good for you for acknowledging you have a problem,so you're already half way to fixing it. This may never go away 100% but you will learn to manage it in time. My advice is to go to your local bookstore and find a self help book on the subject,theres loads of them out there. They've helped me no end with my issues. Second, don't imagine bad things in your head,its like a self fullfilling prophesy. Keep thinking positive thoughts about your man untill he proves you wrong. I hope this never happens obviously. Focus on the good and not the bad.It really helps. good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Hello Sparta101,
I currently have the same issue, however, I am engaged to be married. I have found that if you truly want to be with him, you will need to think, "has HE ever done something that I cannot trust?" If not, then you need to start working on it little by little letting him do things that you don't trust him doing. It makes it a lot easier. Who knows, the girls he hangs out with, you might find that you could be friends with some of them. Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Lovelybrumbi +, writes (8 December 2008):
hey my cousin is the same way and what i told her is that if u dont think u can trust him then dont stop being controling but if u think u can trust him then ease up a little or u could loose him hope this advice works, bye
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