A
female
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*ugarbuns
writes:Before I met my b/f he had a tendency to get involved with what I call "train wrecks", meaning women who were kinda bad, kinda bad for him, unstable, unpredictable, kinda wild, kinda raunchy, didn't have much of an education, sometimes didn't work, and generally had children from different men all out of wedlock. Then I came along and I am nothing like his usual attractions. I'm educated, I have a degree, I have a good job, he doesn't need to "fix me" or come to my rescue. I don't even have any tattoos. And yet I'm worried he's going to get bored, or be vulnerable to another 20-something train-wreck that comes along because I think he has the need to fix women, or think that he can and I don't need fixing. How do I compete with this?...He says he loves me because I'm "normal", but normal spells boring and I don't want to become predictable and stale simply because I've lead a different kind of life and had good values. He's so used to drama these other women created when he was with them, I don't know how to keep thing exciting. I'm adventurous, not a prima-donna, not afraid to get dirty, I'm pretty open-minded in bed but everytime we're out somewhere, and I see one of these typical 'train wreck' bad girls walk through the door, I see him perk up and watch them and it drives me nuts. Of course, I'm too much of a class act to let him know it. I've thought about getting a tattoo, but he has absolutely forbidden me to do so because he says my skin is flawless and he doesn't want me marring it up. Funny, his last g/f was covered with tattoos and he thought it was pretty f***ing sexy as I recall. It's like, he's determined to keep me in the "good girl" box, and I'm scared to death he will eventually leave me for a "bad girl". What should I do???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Maybe he has had enough of needy women who are attracted to trouble. It must have been pretty exhausting if you think about it, having to be a 'fixer'. Also maybe he is a little insecure and liked to feel 'superior' to his girlfriends. What sort of guy is he? Is he smart, good job, emotionally intelligent. There's a saying that men love women to be a 'madonna/whore' and there's that other saying about them liking us to be the whore in the bedroom, cook in the kitchen and then the madonna as well. You can show him that it is possible for a woman to have an exciting side without it being destructive. My parter was with a volatile self destructive woman for years and it messed him up a bit. I still think he finds this a bit attractive and it has bothered me at times but I won't compromise myself and be someone who I am not, just to feed his 'soap opera' tendencies!! He admits that our relationship is a 'better' one but that theirs was more 'exciting'. Try not to worry too much. He has obviously made a conscious decision to be with someone different and doesn't want you to change. Maybe he just feels comfortable with those sort of women because it is what he is used to. He is smart enough to know he has someone stable now and he has broken the old pattern. Some people are attracted to people who have a bit of an 'edge' to them but he sounds like he likes to be useful and 'help' people. He can be useful to you too though, just in different ways. Good luck x
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 I met someone who was on her way to being a "train wreck". Or, maybe, someone who would have been one if she had been born in other circumstances. The girl was simply gorgeous, perhaps the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Or among the top two or three. And she was extremely hard to miss, particularly where I live: it's not every day that you come across such a young, sexy, beautiful blonde, six feet tall and with wonderful female attributes, if you allow me the euphemism. However, she was attractive because of her adventurous and courageous nature. And she was hard to understand, so that made her all the more interesting.
But then you would find out she had this inclination for what I would call suicide. She was always looking for trouble, sometimes in terribly dangerous and irresponsible ways. So that made you have second thoughts about her. It was clear that she would be a wonderful wife if only she could calm down. So "fixing" her immediately came to your mind.
But she was beyond "fixing". She would never change. And then you could wonder how you could be so arrogant as to assume you know what the right behavior was for her. You started noticing she always got you into trouble, in unpredictable ways. It was like having a honeycomb in your hands. And then you would rather stay as far away from her as possible.
After that, I met someone who had like 10% the sex appeal this other girl had. But she was a lady. A relationship with her is just impossible, but, if I could choose, certainly I wouldn't pick that blonde, who, by the way, is like 15 years younger than the other lady. Who isn't getting any younger and has a face that knew better years.
This said, it seems your man is attracted to the "train wrecks" becahse they mean adventure. Maybe he has already understood that they are not the sort of "adventure" you should seek, but they still sort of catch his eyes.
You can't really get into his mind and determine whether he is simply looking at them or desiring them. You don't know whether he would leave you for them, but my guess is maybe no. His saying that he doesn't want you to get a tattoo is a sure sign that he likes you the way you are. I'm sure he sees your value. Who you are is much more important than how you look.
If I were you, I would focus more on making the relationship work. The better that works, the least attracted he could be to another "train wreck".
I understand your problem, but I don't think this is the time to drop the towel. Try to make the relationship work instead.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (15 February 2008):
If you knew his past lovers are "train wrecks" why did you start dating him? You are really making an issue where there's none.If he really still wanted that type of a lady don't you think he would have left you already? The problem with people in love is that we try and scare off people we see as a threat rather than consolidate our position in our lover's heart.Just concetrate on building your relationship and those "train wrecks" will automatically disappear out of his life!
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Don't dump him...well maybe dont. The key question he is *WHY* does he feel the need to fix women, or why do you feel this the case with him? Is there anything you know about in his past that could explain this...relationship with his mother, with another female relative (elder sister) or early romantic involvement. I dont think he finds these 'train wrecks' exciting, from what you say here he is driven by a subconscious impulse to save them and that is something entirely different.
Your fears are grounded in rationality; these experiences will condition him and there will always be that impulse there; having said that you offer something he really needs and you represent a chance to break that pattern if you are strong enough. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 In a man's mind , there are two types of girls, the good ones and the bad ones. The good ones are marriage materials and the bad ones are only worth a fling and nothing more.
Just live from day to day and do not think too much about the future.It is pointless to worry when you don't even know if you will see tomorrow or not.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Train wrecks?? Thats a new one on me. Where I come from we call them "Old Slappers". You know, dirty looking, babies by different men, tattoos etc etc. I think you should be yourself, you seem far too intelligent for this guy who gets off being fascinated by these awful women.
If I found out my fella had been with these "train wreck" I would insist he got himself checked out by the STD clinic before he got intimate with me. You don't know what sort of diseases these women may be carrying.
Define the word "Normal". You are an attractive,smart and very level headed to me, not boring at all. So please do not compare yourself with his exes and if he does keep eyeballing them. Dump him and find yourself another man who has eyes only for you. Dusky xxx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I do not know why he likes and seems more attracted to females who are generally promiscuous and wild (train wrecks) Some guys find these females intriquing and exciting but only just for the short-term. Your bf may have to make more solid efforts to assure you and prove, over time, that he wants a more settled committed relationship with you. I would be cautious...he sounds a bit fickle and immature, yet. Not sure he knows what entails a 'real solid love relationship'. Actions sometimes have to be observed and inteeligents decisions made, based on those behaviors, hun. And, sometimes, people go back to what is familiar, and evidently being with females of this type was familiar to him. How sad for him.
I am not sure what you want to do with this situation. Do you want to continue a relationship which this young man? Are you certain he's the one for you? If you do, he will need many things including his full commitment. It seems you have had sex with him already. Just remember, in relationships, sex too soon is powerful stuff that changes hearts and lives. I hope it's not too late for you to think rationally and not with your heart. However you sound like a smart girl, with self-respect and strength. You may need that while dating him until he realizes the prize he has in you as a wonderful, more quality dating partner. If I were in your shoes, I'd be careful, perhaps pull back. If he continues finding himself drawn or attracted to bad girls...you may have drop him and go find a less complicated love interest, who appreciates truely what you bring to the table. Good luck, dear
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