A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:There's a stereotype that says that men are good at compartmentalizing their feelings and actions. I was wondering if anyone thinks that women can do the same? Is this something anyone can learn or is there some reason that men are more prone to it (if they indeed are)?Also related to this, there is a guy who kind of screwed me over, who I am still angry at a month later, but who I would like to continue having a friendship with. He isn't a bad guy, he's just childish and weak. Poor boyfriend material, but he's okay friend material because we have a lot in common. Also, we live in a tiny community, and it would be nice to continue being civil to each other. So how do I compartmentalize my feelings about him, so I can talk to him without being passive aggressive or outright mean? I see women do this all the time (I guess in a way that answers my first couple of questions)-- they act really nice to someone's face and then bitch about them as soon as they're gone-- so how do I learn to do that?! Maybe without the bitching as soon as they're gone, but how do you act nice to someone when you just really want to give them a piece of your mind, and they totally deserve it? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 My guess, then, is that it should be easy to be civil to him. Like you said, the poor guy is a wimp. That's it. Over time, we all learn that nobody's perfect, but that can't bother us.
I would say you just have to carry on with your life, not looking for any contact with him, not calling, not offering friendship, no "nuthin'", but then saying "good night" or "hello" if he does first.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. The title I originally put on this question was different, and I cringed a little when I saw what dearcupid changed it to. I see how both sexes do it, and yes, it's more about individuals than an entire group of people-- that's one of the problems with stereotypes.
Danielepew, your assessment of my situation is pretty much correct. In answer to your question, I say that he "kind of" screwed me over, because he didn't do anything big; it was just a collection of small things that added up to character quirks that I just couldn't live with. Things like.. saying he would call, then not calling, making promises and plans then breaking them, breaking up with me but then getting back together when I wanted to, because he's afraid of hurting my feelings, not because he really wanted to be with me. I think he's a good guy, he's just too much of a wimp to be honest or dependable. My biggest problem is a combination of his laziness and lack of balls which makes it nearly impossible for him to do the right thing unless someone is forcing him into it. It's not that he does bad things-- he simply does nothing, until he's pushed in one direction or another by an outside source. It infuriates me, because his inability to be direct leads him to be dishonest and sneaky about a lot of little things, which, as I've said, add up to a serious character flaw.
Enough of my rambling. So yes, I'd like to be friends with him, or at least be civil and friendly. My instinct is to yell at him, in hopes of hammering some integrity into his skull, or at least to just walk by him without acknowledging him, but the social situation here doesn't allow it-- it would lead to uncomfortable situations between me and a lot of other people that I will be seeing under possibly professional circumstances. And yes, I'm afraid that he's going to think he can get more.. or that he would always be up for taking more.
I don't know what to do. I'm looking for some mantra or philosophy I can repeat to myself, some new way of looking at the situation that will enable me to be nice to him without compromising my self respect.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 May 2008):
I'm not sure whether men can compartmentalize feelings better than women. Maybe that can be true as a general rule, but it might not be so true if you compare one specific man with one specific woman. I've met women who can very much "compartmentalize" feelings, way better than any man I've ever met. In fact, these women were so able to hide their real feelings that I bet anyone would be surprised. That was not a good side of their personalities, however.
I think I'm a bad person talk about "compartmentalizing" feelings, because to me doing that might involve just posing. It could also be considered as giving people respect no matter what your feelings or thoughts about them. Maybe it's a matter of where you put the emphasis.
If I understand your post correctly, what you want is to be civil to him even though he doesn't deserve it. You will bump into him very often and wouldn't want a problem each time. I think we would need to know why or how he screwed you over. If he wanted more than friendship, and friendship is all you will give him, my advice would be NOT to give him anything. Particularly if he doesn't deserve it. I guess you can simply pass by his side and say nothing. If you don't talk, there's no fighting.
My guess is that he thinks you're great relationship material. So, offering him friendship wouldn't work. It would make him think you will give him more.
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A
female
reader, secondbestinthis +, writes (28 May 2008):
Unfortunately, I don't really have an answer, but i AM giving you my support!! i've been asking myself this SAME exact question for a year. I tried to do it, but it all blew up in my face! I'm eagerly watching your question, hoping someone has the answer to this...Sending lots of good luck your way!
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