A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,first of all thank you for taking time to read my query! sorry if this is long a bit of a back story is neededive been with my boyfriend 5 years we dont live together or anything like that and we both love how our relationship is developing. (probably alot slower than other peoples but weve been together from such a young age 17) i feel as weve got older some couples grow apart and some grow together, i think we fall into the latter catagory! because we got together so young we never argued we both understood that we were young and education n our other relationships such has friends should not be taken away from. so when his friends organise a last minute poker game its always fine for him to call me and say he would like to do that with his friends and vice versa if my friends organised a night out i could feel comfortable telling him id like to go instead of meeting him. My point is whilst we are totally exclusive our relationship has always had a very great laid back feel something which benefits us both equally. please bear in mind we still spend atleast 3 days a week together n talk almost all day every day and are very loving towards eachother! My problem is my boyfriend is so used to this laidback approach i feel he takes it so much for granted like when i want to talk about an issue ... hes started smoking weed alot more regulaly than before .. he tells me im nagging him but im nt the nagging type however i do feel as his gf of 5 years i do have a right to tell him im not happy to meet him while hes stoned. i dnt shout or moan i just wanted to have an adult conversation with him.. but i feel as though he shuts dwn as soon as its not what he wants to hear n i think the reason he acts this way is because he is so used to being able to do what he wants which he should be able to do but im just nt comfortable with the drug thing ... he doesnt drink and wrks 60 hours a week so i dnt mind him having a spliff on a friday sat or sunday to unwind but its becoming every day now? how can i say it to him without seeming like a moany whining girlfriend?Am i right to have a problem with it? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): Wait until he's in the right frame of mind ie. not on something. Then explain that you don't care if he smokes weed but you're not prepared to meet with him if he's intoxicated. You're happy to see him, you still love him but you don't want to be around the drugs.
Say it once and don't mention it again, if he's childish about it and starts 'shutting down' as you said, then just let it go. Then when you meet him, if he's high, turn around and go back home, keep doing this very time he does it and he'll get the picture eventually. Don't mention it to him, don't moan or get angry, if he asks, you don't want to be around him when he's high and you don't refer to it again, go about your day as normal.
A
female
reader, Delirium  +, writes (27 October 2014):
 You and your boyfriend have been together a long time, y'all have grown older together, transitioned from students to working adults, and are still growing and changing. This is just another part of that growing and changing process. Most people hit this kind of stage when they move in together but you are just encountering it a tad differently. Until now you have both been laid back and never argued, probably because there was never anything serious enough to argue over.It's easier to get along when you don't share a living space, finances, pet/kids, whatever. But now something has come up, his pot smoking (which is something I cut back on out of consideration for my boyfriend, I also gave up cigarettes for him. He never asked me to quit but he expressed he didn't like it. I appreciated the fact that he didn't "demand" I quit and I decided that I could curb my habits to make him happy since I knew he would have done the same for me. There were some unpleasant comments thrown around whenever I had a lapse but that's just part of the process. Okay end of tangent). This is probably one of the first things that you both stand on starkly different sides. And someone's feelings are going to get a little hurt while you both try to work out a solution. He is probably going to think that you are griping about his smoking, he will probably call you a nag or something else. But here is the thing to keep in mind; you are making your point known in the best way you can, by TELLING him, clearly, to his face, with no room for misinterpretation. If your relationship is as strong as you say then there shouldn't be any reason to worry. He won't leave you because you "nagged" his (smelly, and still illegal) habit that could cost him his 60 hr a week job, and if he does (or threatens to) leave then that lets you know something; that he is a guy who will only be in a relationship if he never has to compromise, change, or if things only go his way. No healthy relationship is like that. So what you should take away from this: Relationship dynamics change over time and the blissful "argument-free" era is over; Don't worry about sounding moany, he is going to think that whenever you say something that he doesn't want to hear and just because he thinks that doesn't mean he won't get over it; And your concerns over his smoking pot are valid, you have a right to voice your problem with his regular drug use (as you would have if he was a heavy drinker, had trouble holding a job, gambles, whatever). He may try to say pot smoking is no big deal (and compared to many drugs it's not) but the truth is it is, he could lose his job, go to jail, get his license suspended, get kicked out of school (if he is still taking classes, probably not with the 60 hr work week), etc. Not to mention the money he is spending to get high every day. Best of luck to you.
...............................
|
