A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm starting to feel like my boyfriend is subtly criticising me all the time and it's tiring me out. It's never anything obvious, but he'll make small remarks all the time that I've started to notice. For example, he will ask me where all of my money goes if I say I can't afford something, and makes out as if I'm either poor at managing it or lying to him about it (none of which is true, I just earn less than him). He also asks me when I've exercised that week, and makes comments about me being lazy if I've not done much (I work 40 hours a week and am doing a postgraduate degree at night). Or he'll comment on my social skills after being with his friends, or say that he thinks I'm 'a child' for saying I have to help my parents with housework (I'm back living at home for the moment while I save for a house, and I think it's only fair that I help out while I'm there).Nothing he says is really bad, but I find myself defending my actions quite a lot to him. I'm not very assertive either, so I don't know if it's that that's the problem or if he's being out of line.Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): You describe you both as complete opposites. He is controlling and critical, you admit you lack assertiveness. The suggestions to talk to him about this is your best way forward. But that's only going to work if you have the confidence in yourself to stand up for yourself - which you shouldn't really have to do with a partner! He is picking at you and it will drag you down until you believe all the put downs and rely on him. Then he has the power in the relationship. He might be a nice guy, but his habit of criticising you reveals he is either completely socially inept and doesn't realise this is detrimental to his relationship or he is just not that nice a guy...Realise you're worth. You work hard, you study, you contribute in your home life and that's admirable. You have to decide now whether you can be confident enough to speak up and make it known you find this unacceptable; you just put up with it for the duration of your relationship hoping it gets better when potentially it'll just get worse or you stop seeing him because he doesn't try and rein in his inherent need to criticise.Take some power and don't let a man speak to you in that way. At heart I'm a bit of a feminist, I would never stand for someone - male or female - making those "snide" comments. But when it's from a man who is supposed to love and care for you it's just not right. What gives him the right to assume you are lazy because you haven't exercised, what gives him the call you a child because you help your parents?! This man is passing judgement on you, and making you feel small. You deserve better, so believe that and please don't let someone treat you in that way.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 October 2014):
 Sorry, I had to chucle at the "tiring me out" comment. It can be exhausting dealing with people like that. Folks that feel inferior and are fighting an inferiority complex of their own spend their whole life trying to berate others so as to make themselves feel better are a real drag on life energy. Just know that he's feeling so terrible about himself inside that he has to lash out at others just to survive within his own mind. But you're so right it can get on your last nerve. He needs a bundle of help (professional -couch help).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): Critical, control freaks are a nightmare. I have known two people involved with a critical, control freak, and it never gets better. It seems those two personality traits are so ingrained in a person's psyche, it's as natural for them to be that way as it is for all of us to breathe.
Tell your bf lovingly how his behavior makes you feel, but don't be surprised if he criticizes you for talking to him about it. If he recognizes his behavior and promises to work on it, see how it goes.
Not trying to rain on your parade (or be critical :) ), but ask yourself if you want to be with someone who criticizes you and puts you on the witness stand. Do you want to have to explain yourself to another as if you're in a court of law? It's all about control.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (23 October 2014):
Well done you you are doing a great job,between working.and doing your degree.and helping at home.You are to be admired and if your boyfriend does not see this it is his loss.However i would have an indept chat with him.telling him that his remarks are both hurtful and unfair and that you are not happy with his behaviour on this level,I. would be firm but gentle so that he would be under the impression that iits not something thaat you woould up with long term.Because if you dont take a stand now it will continue.Kind wishes NORA B.
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