A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, just wanted some advice. last year i was working at this place and there were five guys who all wanted to go out with me. One was married, the other engaged to a girl who lived abroad, another was divorced and two single guys. out of all of them i couldn't stand the married one because although he was really into me i couldn't beleive he was chasing me when he was married and he didn't seem to be bothered about his wife and marriage at all. anyway i made sure that nothing happened with him. i always feel bad about the whole situation because i treated all five of them quite badly because i used to play them all off of each other. the thing i did most was make flirt with them and wait til they told me they liked me and asked me out and then went a bit cold on them..i don't know why i did this - probably because i did not know what they really saw in me cz i only think im average looking and not all that confident. i still think about how badly i treated them now and wonder whether i should get in touch and apoligise to them or somethin.the bigger problem now is that i have fallen for a different guy who is married and has a kid. we both like each other but nothing has happneend yet. i don't know if i want soemthing to happen because i can't help thinking that i would be just as bad because i would be wrecking up a marriage. what shall i do?? and how can i change so that i treat guys better??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (25 April 2007):
You cannot be responsible for "breaking up a marriage". If a guy falls for you and leaves his wife over it, then he was likely already in a "bad" situation in his marriage. It isn't YOUR fault. Does HE not have any role to play in it? Does his WIFE not have any role to play in it?
Now, I'm going to give you my answer which may not agree with the new morality answers that everyone else seems to want to give -- the answers you were expecting before you even asked the question (am I right?). I would suggest that a good mistress is better far than gold or costly jewels. Everyone wants to trash the mistress.. but many marriages are held together, because there was a good mistress. This concept is as old as the hills, and we women need to see that. A man (and a woman for that matter) sometimes needs an outlet beyond the marriage. Marriages sometimes fall apart, because of stress that either partner isn't capable of handling. A good mistress (or "other man") can handle it.
You have to be careful though, and don't fall in love with the guy. Be there for what you can give him, and be a listening ear to spare his wife some of it. He will appreciate you for it. If you do this right, it can work well for all three of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Hi there,
I don't feel that it is a problem of you mistreating guys but rather you are mistreating yourself. No women who cares for herself would put herself through the heartbreak and feelings of inferiority that being a mistress to a married man will bring. Yet a women lacking in self-love would, because she feels that is all she is ultimately worth. A bit on the side - lots of attention and a highly sexed relationship, but one that can only ever end in pain and heartbreak.
You are just at the beginning of your adult life and you have so much to look forward to. The options you make in your life now will guide you to give you a certain type of life. Ask yourself, seriously, where you want to be in a year, 2 years, 5, 10, 20? Carrying on a secret affair with a man, hoping every day and night that he one day chooses you over his wife? It is those kind of thoughts that will end up breaking you.
I feel you have some issues you need to tackle that come down to your lack of self worth and your unhealthy need for a man in your life. You are far from being alone in having these thoughts, and people if they really want to get through them and find the real life that they so much desire.
As much as you think it will be difficult, you should get away from this man, forgive yourself for any past mistakes you have made with men and set yourself a goal to work on the issues that cause you to be attracted to people you can't have. I think you will find this journey amazingly empowering and from the very first moment of realisation that you will certainly have it will feel like the beginning of the rest of your new life - Exciting stuff - you know in your gut feeling what choices to make. Stay with that gut feeling and work to get what you really want and life will give it to you. Take care and all the best with whatever choices you decide to make.
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A
female
reader, beautifulllove  +, writes (25 April 2007):
 you need to get out of this situation hes married and you dont want that drama. keep your self busy and work on you. when you look in the mirror you should see you self as beautiful if you dont no one will and beauty is in the eye of the behholder what may look good to may not look good to the next but really you just need to find a single guy that is intressed in you personality and beauty combine but hey intill then always tell your self your beautiful because you are and beauty isnt all looks but im sure your natural self to the right partner with be mind blowing and breath taking. good luck
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Sounds to me like you like the attention whether you like to believe it or not. Theres nothing wrong with that but if you are playing games with people like that you can only expect someone to get hurt, including yourself.
Having the attention from other people, especially from the opposite sex is a massive confidence booster so you are bound to make the most of it. You need to control it, use it to boost your confidence yes, but dont use it to play games like you have.
As for the married man you want to see, i would cease all relationship plans with him. Entering into something like this is going to cause you heartache and alot of pain to others by this continuing. You know its wrong to do this, so why continue? How do think his wife would feel if she knew? Look at this from another perspective. There is plently of men out there NOT married or engaged.
I hope you use your common sense on this one and go with your gut feeling that this is wrong to continue.
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