A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am 23yrs old and have been married for nearly 2 years. I moved away from my home town 5 years ago and met my husband soon after. He is a lovely man, but i never imagined my life to be like this. I love him very much, he is my strength. but we have had our problems. it's not been an easy relationship.we both work very hard. long hours, and my husband loves his job. he is always talking about it and doing work at home. but money is always tight.I have nice friends in work. but out of work i don't see anyone. i go to work. come home. watch telly. go on computer.this is my life.I really miss my old home town. It was a small town where everyone used to know eatchother, you could go to the pub and someone you know would be there. my old friends all have babies now, and spend their days picnicing with eachother, meeting up, going out ect.I have no family here.I am on my own.My husband and I have stopped having sex.It sounds weird but it makes me feel more alone. I feel like he is annoyed with me. i must be boring. he just doesn't get what i want. i want to go out, with him. i want him to play football/cricket/ anything! so that he gets out more and we both have something else but work! i am a very sociable person. i like "lads" sporty/social ect.i would love him to go to the pub with his football mates, get drunk, eat curry, and come home for sex!!he would rather read a sales book. we do have things in commmon,music, fashion, food. but i feel like i am missing out on my 20s. i don't even recognise the person i am. what should i do?!?!? how can i change him? or am i over-reacting. most people would die for a man like mine.why am i unhappy?!?!
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female
reader, tired82  +, writes (22 March 2009):
 To all responders:
I'm in a similar situation and your advice makes complete sense and seems like your right about everything. Thank you for posting.
A
female
reader, Jaboomday +, writes (19 March 2009):
I can definitely relate to you! I moved away from my hometown across the entire country to be with my husband. It's so difficult and sometimes depressing to be so alone. One thing that I noticed is that you depend heavily on your husband when he's the only person you have in your life. When I did this to my husband he seemed to be so uninterested in me. I was always available to him, just desperately waiting around for attention. When you're so easily accessible to a man, they tend to take you for granted because we become so "easy". And in your/our situation we don't have anything else, no family, no friends, nothing. The easiest cure for me in this exact situation is that I became less accessable to my husband. Just waiting around for attention and waiting around like a desperate puppy for sex doesn't turn our men on at all. (don't worry I dont get it either. Most men complain that their wives are sexless). So to keep your romance alive, you've got to start making yourself less accessable. MAKE FRIENDS! That was the best thing I did for myself. Stay out late sometimes, show him that you're having fun without him and I guarantee you'll start getting his attention. This is extremely hard to do especially since attention from our husbands means the world to women like us. But seriously though, men love that thrill of the chase. Honestly I think it's stupid that we have to treat our husbands worse to get what we want. And they say WE'RE the ones never satisfied? SHEESH! It may seem silly that you have to play games to get your man's attention but I strongly suggest you try it. Lately I've been feeling that desparity for attention from my husband and my mother reminded me that I'm giving him too much attention again. So off I go! So to put it bluntly, SCREW HIM if he doesn't appreciate what he has at home. You know the old saying "you never know what you have until it's gone". Let him miss you a little, it will do wonders for your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): You absolutely MUST get out more. Just because he likes to stay in does not mean you have to. Try dancing (Ceroc or Salsa - very sociable and fun) or you are young how about a sports team or quiz night - try lots of different things it sounds like you have time on your hands. I was in exactly your situation and I wasted my 20s I so regret that - don't live with regret - you are becoming old before your time and your spirit is being held back. You might prick his conscience and once he sees (notices :-) you are not around as much he might get the message or even want to join you and find out more. There is more to life than work and maybe you guys need to sit down and see how you can jointly earn the same money and have a better lifestyle. Other ideas could be to run parties (make-up / toiletries / jewellery) that kind of thing - gets people in a local community together and you can hold them at your house. I joined a gym that holds social nights too. If you go to the library they have lots of stuff on the pinboard including evening classes - I say just try something - anything!! - to get yourself out the rut. One thing to consider.... if this situation continues and you are growing apart or have just changed as people (as we all do) then maybe you want to review whether you are in the right relationship. But firstly - its time to get you out there girl!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 The problem is that you cannot change your husband, and it is unfair to ask him to change. You must have known this is the way he is when you married him, so you will have known what you were letting yourself in for. This is why it is not fair to make him change now - he will only resent you for it. And if you thought that he would stop caring so much about work after you got married; then you went into the marriage with the wrong intentions and ideas.
Instead of trying to change him, change yourself. Work on making new friends, doing new things etc. He cannot make your life better, you need to take control of your own life and change it for the better. Why not start doing any hobbies/activities you have always dreamt of doing? Or take up sports you may have done when you were single/younger? You could volunteer on weekends, maybe at a local charity shop, animal rescue centre etc etc. You could join a book club if you enjoy reading, or any local groups that you can find (notice boards in the supermarket are good or browse online).
It seems to me like you want him to do more outside of work so you can be involved with these things; so in essence you are trying to live your life through him! If you like football or cricket then join the ladies team yourself, you will soon make new friends. You are almost acting like a parent who had a failed dream, therefore they want to force their child into that life so they can re-live their dream through them! Dont turn into this person, get out there and make life enjoyable again for yourself!
I can understand wanting your husband to be interested in other things outside of work, this is only natural as you will probably feel like he values work over you. So why not talk to him about this? Dont try and tell him he cant talk about work anymore or read books that cover work topics as he will feel like you are forcing him to change.
Instead why dont you suggest that one night a week you have a "date" night. This could be a friday or a saturday, when you havent got work the next day, and you just go out (or stay in) and have a date just the two of you. Make the effort like you did when you first started dating; get all dressed up for each other, put on some sexy lingerie, go out and have dinner, or suprise him and make him his favourite tea. Even if you just go to the cinema, or out for a drink, or even stay in with a DVD and a bottle of wine - make the effort to do something together!
This will get you back into that whole dating mentality, where you really make an effort for each other again. It will give you something to look forwards to during the week, and hopefully it should spice up your sex life a little!
But I do think you need to talk to him. Suggest this date night, but also talk to him about feeling lonely seen as your friends are all in your hometown, and tell him that you are unhappy that the sex has stopped in your marriage (maybe he will explain why). I'm sure if you open up to him he might realise that he has been neglecting you a little and that he has focused too much on work. Often men get settled into a little routine and they will often feel quite content doing the same things every day. They also assume that you will be happy doing this too - they need you to tell them when things have gotten stale and that your not happy because they just wont have realised.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): No you cannot change your husband, he is the way he is, but you can change your outlook on life. You sound like you are miserable and expecting him to be the one to sort out your life. I suggest that you start looking for different things to do, or join a church etc and encourage him to go with you. It sounds like your issues are causing you and your hubby to drift apart, so before things get really bad - get working on your attitude.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (19 March 2009):
 hun get out there make some friends ask some people you work with to go out with you for some drinks tell your husband to stop being soo boring and working all the time and losen up!or organize a little meal for some work mates of yours and have a few drinks.maybe cook a meal at home set the mood getting things going.you really need to tell him how you're feeling you need to tell him to stop obsessing with work and start showing some real emotion towards you and start loosening up a bit and not worrying about work like every minute.you shouldn't miss out on your 20's so organize something fun for you and your friends at work to do and invite him along so they can all get to know him socialize together.he shouldn't hold you back from you wanting to get out there get drunk eat curry and socialize.change him by talking to him about getting out there and getting the romance back into your lives.Hope this helps lovely :).xxx
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