A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently split up with my boyfriend because we argued a lot. He was very paranoid and called me a slut a liar and a cheat practically everyday although he had no grounds for it, that's just the way he is. Well I checked out his facebook and a couple of days after we'd finished he's on there talking to women, liking their photos these women liking them back and its really wound me up. This womans profile picture is her in her underwear. And she likes all his pictures. If this was any other boyfriend of mine I wouldn't care about trivial stuff like that but he's slept with so many girls he doesn't remember the number, we used to go out and girls would grab his crotch, hug him and touch him. But he keeps sending me texts saying your probably with someone, he came to my work and just called me a slag infront of everyone. He doesn't understand why I'm getting so wound up and I'm trying my best not to. How can I calm myself down and stop thinking about this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): You can't really be calm and stop thinking about something if you're constantly reminding yourself of the problem.Stop checking him out on facebook, I know it's tempting, but resist.He sounds very sexist, controlling and chauvanistic. Perhaps has low self esteem and maybe just wanted an excuse to break up with you which could also be why he regressed to first grade with the name calling and all. He probably accused you of cheating because he was and people naturally assume that if they can get away with it, then so can you.It sounds to me like he is enjoying the freedom of being able to hit on these other women. So I would avoid him. If he comes to your work again, threaten to file a restraining order, a harrassment complaint or something to scare him.Pick up a new hobby, something that will distract you, hang out with friends that you couldn't before.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): Thankyou eceryone, I have blocked his facebook and is number is blocked on my phone now. It still hurts, although he treared me like crap there were some good things about him that's why I put up with it. I don't get how he can be so upset that I blocked him or so upset that men are talking to me when he's the way he is. Never mind I don't have to deal with that everyday now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): Its nothing to do with being grasping and territorial, he text me saying why is so and so liking your pictures, I blocked him on facebook and he text me saying why have you blocked me you have something to hide. He even came to my work accusing me of things!! So why do you think I'm the grasping and needy one? Men seem to think they can make your life hell but go on doing as they please. So thanks for that answer I realise I shouldn't be so hung up over hypocritical men who have double standards :D
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): "How can I calm myself down and stop thinking about this."
Stop checking up on him via Facebook so you can stop reminding yourself of him and all the valid and legitimate reasons he's now your ex.
If he's making unwanted contact, change your phone number and go to the police and/or courts for protection if necessary.
Not to seem rude, disrespectful or unsympathetic, but bigger problem than ex is you. You broke up with him yet you simply can't stand the thought of other female(s) taking your place because you're better than all the other girls with whom he's slept or is currently sleeping, that's why you continue checking up on him and that's why you allow him to continue pushing your buttons. You're playing right into his hands with such needy, grasping, territorial behavior.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 You can calm yourself down by remembering how LUCKY you are that you got out of this relationship!!!
Guys like this tend to have a stronger hold over us than the nicer ones... and I wish I understood why that is, but I just don't.
He spent so much time being paranoid and accusing you of cheating that you probably assumed he'd be devastated if you left him. Unfortunately, when someone's doing that... it means they're probably cheating, themselves. And clearly he's enjoying his freedom.
You say he called you a slut, a liar and a cheat nearly every day of your relationship. Does that sound like a guy you should be getting wound up over? It doesn't to me. You can't force yourself to stop thinking about it, so give yourself a break. You've just ended a relationship and it's natural to have some lingering feelings. It doesn't matter whether he's worth your time or not (he's not), your mind will drift there, anyway.
I'm sorry for what he's put you through, and for how embarrassing that must have been in front of your co-workers. What a tool!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): The reason he was always accusing you of this, that, and the other is because he's got no self respect, standards or any ounce of decency in him, and he knows this, so he was trying to stick you in the same category as himself so he feels better.
You feel angry because you've basically been taken for a fool, and took all the blame for HIS wrong doings and that's understandable.
Try to see that something positive has come out of this, that being you no longer have to be the cushion that he pins the blame on for all his guilty behavior, because you're no longer with him.
Rising to him isn't doing you any favors, because that's what he wants. For each time you retaliate and react, you give him a reason to come back with yet another round of childish and petty insults, and you go round in circles.
The best thing you can do now is to thank you're lucky stars you no longer have to be his mug, and that you're free to do better. Stay focused on what's right for you (which isn't him), and walk away knowing you're the better person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): I know you're hurting, but he sounds like a jerk who treats you awful. You did yourself a huge favor by dumping him, now stay strong & stay away from him. Don't check his facebook, it will only make you feel worst.
You will get over him & in a few weeks you'll feel so much better. Don't be with someone who doesn't respect you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 The best thing to do is to tell yourself you're the better person, because you are. The fact that you've got yourself out of this hellish relationship shows your strength within yourself and now you need to be rid of him altogether.The fact that he is already going around on Facebook shows how much he really cared about you, he was either calling you those insulting names because he was cheating on you or he needed to feel the control by making you feel bad about yourself.To see him still hung up on you does show he cares for you and everything but, because he isn't getting his own way with you, he'll continue to insult you to a) get your attention and b) get you to react. When he sees that you aren't doing either of the two, he'll eventually stop and move onto his next 'love'.You deserve much better than that and have done a great job getting out of that paranoia filled relationship. I know it's hard to ignore someone who keeps pressing those buttons, but you have to and try your best to make sure he knows it's over and it's never going to happen again. He'll get the message soon enough. Hopefully this helped and good luck with it all.
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