A
female
age
36-40,
*ls022
writes:I’m currently dating but I’m having a problem with the sexual side of things.Basically, it takes me quite a bit of time to feel ready to have sex with someone. I’m talking about a good few dates to give the sexual tension time to build up and for me to feel turned on enough to do it.I first had sex when I was 18, and due to our ages, there was a lot of making out and touching before we finally did the deed. As a result, I orgasmed the first time I had sex and every time after that. I’d go as far as to say I loved sex back then.In my 20s, I was single again, but the men I dated weren’t up for any sort of period of foreplay like that. I was accused of being a tease and told I was being unfair for giving them blue balls. I had no idea that’s how my actions were perceived, so I changed and stopped any kissing/heavy petting unless I was planning to have sex. The problem with that approach is I’ve never quite felt warmed up enough to enjoy sex.I was with my long term ex for 6 years and we had sex after about a month of being together (so it’s not like I’m asking them to wait for years!) but we’d only had a couple of half hearted kisses in that time as anything more would have given him false hope (he admitted that to me later). As a result, I never felt really turned on with him. I felt we went from cold and platonic to sexual far too quickly, and I realised then that I need the touch and the teasing beforehand to get me ready to want to take it to the next level.So now I’m in my 30s and single again and it’s worse than ever. The men I meet now seem to expect sex right away as ‘we’re both adults and we can tell if we’re attracted to each other’. But actually that’s not how it works for me. I’m starting to feel like it’s not possible to meet my needs and the needs of a man at the same time.I don’t want to lead a guy on and upset/anger him, but nor can I seem to get ready for sex at the speed modern men seem to want. And for info, it’s not about dating for a longer period of time before having sex, it’s about me needing to experience increasing levels of sexual touch before I feel ready to go all the way. Yet nowadays a single passionate kiss is often interpreted as being ready for everything. There’s just no build!Oh and I have tried to explain this to some of the men I’ve dated but they either don’t get it or think I’m trying to test/trick them.Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, but I’m hoping someone else knows how I feel and can suggest some ideas that might please both parties?
View related questions:
foreplay, kissing, orgasm, period, ready for sex, teasing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2018): I'm 44 years old. I'm just realising that that is exactly what I want.
Men with me have always been onto me like a rash, no time to get to know them or fancy them because they've been so thoughtless and wanting. It didn't matter how much I said no, they just keep pestering and making me feel guilty, so guilty that I'd give in (I could kick myself).
And so I'm left perplexed by the way I've been treated so badly by forceful men. I would say no and they would threaten me and sometimes carry out those threats and all because I wanted to "build" and see and fancy and like and trust and feel turned on.
And now that I'm older it's all to messed up and so I never will let a dick head man boss me about and force me to do things I don't want to really do. Especially sex.
It's so demoralising and this is your body, your sexuality and not theirs. You have a right to your wants, needs and desires. You sound like you know what you want and so you should stick to your guns. No man owns you. So own yourself. It's your body, your heart, your love, your vagina and your rules.
Tell Mr eager pants to keep his dick under control. Rape is so finished.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (25 March 2018):
jls022 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies.
CMMP you say: “I think you just don't go home with him or bring him home until you're ready for sex”
This is exactly my problem in a nutshell. It’s not that I need to get to know the guy more, it’s like I need a build up of sexual-type touch before I feel ready to go all the way. A few kisses here and there just isn’t enough for me to feel ready for sex, so keeping things as ‘platonic’ as that means I’ll likely never really feel ready for sex.
My ideal timeline would involve a couple of dates with just making out; a couple with heavy petting; then a couple with ‘fooling around’ (HJs etc) before we reach the sex stage. Without that it just feels too rushed for me. But all of that stuff seems to make guys angry/upset.
It’s like we have to basically keep our hands to ourselves until the ‘main event’ as it were, to avoid being a tease, but that feels like 0-60 in 5 seconds to me.
WiseOwlE - you are 100% spot on, thanks. Of course if I met a man that I connected with right away that would be great and I’d go with it, but sadly that hasn’t been happening. Maybe I just need to keep looking...
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (25 March 2018):
I think you just don't go home with him or bring him home until you're ready for sex. Kiss a little bit here and there, be flirtatious, and like someone else said, there's nothing wrong about being upfront about wanting to get to know each other a little. Personally I think a month is perfect and if he's still around you can be pretty sure he's interested in more than just sex.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2018): [EDIT]:
"It's not too forward nor is it crass."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2018): Hey, I can super relate to your post. I understand every word. Although I'm a guy, and I can become aroused easily; I can't really get my head into it without foreplay and making-out. You have to rev-up the engine. I've always been this way.
Getting turned-on isn't the problem, getting tuned-in and synchronized with my partner takes some sexual-tension. I need a catalyst to set-off my passion! Once we're established, the sparks fly and it becomes spontaneous from that point on! I just need to know you better.
You're the kind of person who connects your head and body. Sex is not just an act for you. Your pleasure comes from a full-connection. I was in a relationship for 28 years, and I got spoiled. We started-out as friends to hide our sexual-orientation; but the connection was built on "good-chemistry."
You need the chemistry to be ignited, and that takes joining with his spirit through touch, kissing, and true intimacy. Am I even close?
With my most recent relationship; I had to open my mind. Each connection with a person is different; therefore, the chemistry is different. You have to come-out of your head a little bit. You could be over-thinking, I know; because I've been there and done that.
Use your words. In a sensuous and simple way; explain yourself. Discuss your natural-approach to intimacy; and how you appreciate warmth and affection to get you heated-up. A receptive-lover aims to please! My dear, you get what you want when you program him right! Tell him what you like! It's not too forward nor is is crass. It sets the mood.
Relax and try not to intellectualize things too much. You have to go by instinct. It's not a step by step procedure. It's letting nature take its course. You're just a little rusty, but your post says you're a lady who knows what she wants and needs. You just aren't sure how to convey it to your partner. Take your time and don't fret about it. Just whisper in his ear when you're ready.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2018):
 Be upfront with a guy?
I see NOTHING wrong in needing some time to get to KNOW the other person a bit better BEFORE sex. REGARDLESS of age.
I say SHOW your post to the guy or explain it as you did in your post.
Honestly? What you call build sexual tension, I'd say was more of getting to KNOW someone else.
I see nothing in your post that is HARD to understand. I have to say ANY guy who thinks it doesn't make sense, are just looking for sex ASAP.
...............................
|
