A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m looking for some advice on a delicate matter.Recently, an acquaintance of mine passed away. She was a good friend of my sister but I only saw her a few times a year at occasions such as weddings or leaving parties, so we weren’t close although she seemed like a lovely girl.Her death came as a complete shock (she was murdered) and as such shook the whole community. I’ll admit I did suffer with my own feelings of grief initially despite not knowing her too well, as she was only 25 and it’s so sad and awful to have a young life taken so brutally like that. Especially so close to home.However, my best friend knew her about as well as I did, but she is honestly acting as if it’s her own sister that has passed away.She is crying all the time, posting sentimental messages on Facebook, going to visit the grave regularly and that sort of thing. At first I wasn’t worried as I believe everyone has the right to grieve in their own way. However it’s been 10 months since she passed and her behaviour seems to be getting worse.She has been visiting the woman’s family regularly and has attached herself on to my sister’s group of friends as though they are all going through the same level of grief. My sister told me about this as she’s been feeling a bit uncomfortable with it, but she’s not asked her friends how they feel as it seems cruel to question someone’s motives behind their grief.However, my friend has just called me to say she’s gone with a few of the friends and has got a tattoo in memory of this woman! Do you think I’m right to be worried about this behaviour? She’s starting to act as if she really believes they were really close friends and it’s making me feel really uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain but it’s almost like she’s enjoying being part of it all? Not that she’s acting happy as such, but there’s just a weird vibe I’m getting.But I don’t know if I should do anything about it or if there’s even anything I could do? I’m sorry if this makes me sound terrible for questioning her motives, but we’ve been best friends for 20 years and I know they didn’t know each other that well. So my question is am I right to be worried or could this just be a reaction to the shock of something terrible like this happening on our doorstep?
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female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (25 March 2018):
 There must have been a large hole in your friends life and this is somehow filling it now. You are right that everyone touched by death is affected in different ways. I know when my husband's father passed away, I think I cried harder than anyone at the service, not just because I had lost my father-in-law, it was more for the fact he was the kind gentle father I never had. I was feeling the grief of a childhood that might have been better with a father such as the one my husband had had. I did realise this and saw it for what it was. Your friend however, has not I'm afraid.
As her friend, I think you should try to talk to her about this. Especially as it looks to be coming an issue with that circle. Her behaviour does sound to have become excessive. She may even need professional help if you cannot get through to her.
Take care xx
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 March 2018):
 I agree. There could be a number of factors triggering this, such as the knowledge it could have been her, that life can offer tragic surprises, of an opportunity misses, but also a chance to belong. I too see that going on here as well.
Suggesting some counselling if this doesn't abate after a couple of months is about all you can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2018): I agree with you and Honeypie, I do think it's a bit strange and somewhat melodramatic. You're a perceptive person, you don't need to apologize for that.
There are people who like to over-demonstrate their compassion and dramatize their grief; because it gets them attention. She found a way to ingratiate herself to people by her outlandish behavior. Getting tattoos and such. However; sometimes people may have some hidden issues they've never shared and something comes along that hits a nerve. All those pent-up feelings come rushing out. My beloved-partner died many years ago. I've lost three sisters. Another is now hospitalized, I pray for her everyday. She's improving.
Every-time someone I know( be it a colleague, friend, or neighbor) loses a spouse, partner, or relative. My own grief comes back. Attending wakes and funerals brings me down and refreshes the feelings of loss for my own loved-ones. I don't feel compelled to dive into their bereavement, I have my own private issues to contend with. I don't overshadow their pain to show-off mine. I don't try to pull any sympathy my way. I keep it to myself. I show my respects in appropriate amounts and ways. As you would.
I think your friend likes performing for the sake of others. Swimming in the pity and being consoled. She's a needy person and has made this about her. I would step-back a little and give her a lot of room. If she doesn't snap-out of it, recommend grief-counseling. When you really mean see a therapist!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 March 2018):
 I agree that it sounds over the top and dramatic, however people react VERY differently to different situations.
Maybe the death of that young lady resonated something in her, call it survivor's guilt or fear ("it could have been me").
It can also be because she simply wants more attention. By befriending the girl's friends (your sister's friend group) she might feel PART of something she feel she should have been part of long ago or before the death of the young lady.
Who knows? It obviously affected her in a profound way.
The whole getting a tattoo is (IMHO) ridiculous and attention seeking. Given the fact that she didn't KNOW her well - but again... maybe her behavior is more to do with her wanting to "help" to REAL friends of the young lady. She wants to support them and her behavior is how she feels she is doing it?
As for what you can do? I don't really think you can tell her HOW she "should" feel. Your sister and the group of friend CAN if it's just too weird, talk to her or cut down the attention they GIVE her.
I'd say if this continues past 12 months maybe suggest she talks to a therapist?
She sounds almost like what was called a "professional mourner" from the 1800's. as in she is putting on a show. BUT who knows? Maybe she is just deeply affected by this.
I don't know, maybe I'm just jaded. I still grieve the moss of my Mom and that's been over 8 years! But I do it in private, not in public.
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