A
female
age
41-50,
*onely-hunter78
writes:Whenever I meet men and we ended up fooling around. I ruin the whole mood and moment. I continue doing this to whomever I meet. I ruin it by talking to much in bed because I am insecure about my body. I turn men off by saying sorry for my body because I am a heavy woman. In the back of my mind I know this is only temporary love. I want something more and its hard not to get close during the moment so I go in and out of closeness. This is intrepreted as me having mood swings. I have trouble being the dominant one and approaching a man. I used to be more dominant when I was smaller and alot more confident. I am losing weight to feel better about myself. I have trouble letting myself go and just being in the moment because of all these thoughts in my head. I dont want to be alone forever and I dont want these one night stands for the rest of my life either. I also have trouble finding a man who accepts me for me and not just my looks. I do not work or drive and its interpreted to be like I am a loser, I feel. So I hold back and get nervous in romantic situations. I want a boyfriend but these lovers I meet I feel obligated to sleep with them because that is the reason they met me and I want to be valued as something more than a female who is about to get a man off. I dont like to feel used although I do put myself in that position because I am lonely and this is all I seem to attract to my life, unfortunately. I am desperately seeking advice, Please help. - Thanks Michelle
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female
reader, samohir  +, writes (26 August 2007):
 If somebody took advantage of you being week at the moment just Buzz Him Off, He is not worth!The self esteem is something inside you, i think. Weight loss can help it, but its not the real problem. I was where you were,the line between being treated like a lady and a Slut is i can say very very thin. Just dont date if you dont feel prepared, Strong enough.. Thats my advice
A
female
reader, desperateandserious  +, writes (26 August 2007):
PS. I walked in your shoes. I am also adopted, I let myself get into abusive relationships and let men treat me like dirt because I didn't think I was worth more. I took the "first best thing" that came along. Like I said, work on yourself. I did and I started meeting a different kind of men. You are worth being loved and cherished. Let the jerks find someone else to use as a punching bag, at the first nasty word let the guy go. Just keep saying to yourself I DESERVE MORE
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A
female
reader, desperateandserious +, writes (26 August 2007):
Hi, you should start working on you before you start looking for a relationship. What parts of your body don't you like? Can you work out and improve your body? You may improve your self esteem. You didn't indicate why you don't work, why not start studying or find a job. You need to do something to challenge yourself and focus on positive aspects of yourself. You obviously know you are doing something that makes you unhappy, you say you want a relationship but if I guy gets you in bed the first evening why would he want a relationship? He hasn't had time to get to know you and develop any form of emotional/mental connection with you. Work on yourself, make a list of what you want to achieve in your life, what is important to you and then figure out how you are going to achieve it. Start by setting yourself one small goal everyday and you will find in no time that achieving goals becomes easier and easier. You deserve to be treated with love and respect but love and respect starts at home. Hope my bit of advice helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Michelle you’ve recognized that this is a problem and you want to do something about it, so believe it or not you’ve already taken the first step to changing why don’t you try now standing back taking a long look in the mirror, what do you see? You are a lot more then your physical body,
That’s not easy for you to see right now is it? that you are unique, magnificent woman why? Because your you!
And all you are giving to guys you meet is your physical body for I think you fear rejection so much you don’t want to show them the Funny Michelle, the caring Michelle the bubbly Michelle, but when you start to recognize you have so much more to offer sweetie you wont need these one night stands
I know this because in some form I’ve been where you are we all have at some point, Its only when I stood back and began to fall in love with Keri, everything body mind and soul its only when I acknowledged I am enough,
That my life started to turn around,
I attract lovely great experiences into my life I don’t feel any urge to chase anyone for love or approval, It comes from being happy with who I am, You can have true Love when your ready,
your too good for this “temporary fulfillment” and you know it,
Its going to take willpower (and maybe a rampant rabbit Lol) but you should hold out for real love,
It will get easier think of all guy you meet as friends at first, the romance and Love making (that’s right because they will really love you if you make them wait) just give more to yourself take the to give to yourself,
Take care Hun
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): hehe. um michelle dear you don't have to go to a christian church if you do not want to. I believe you are very vulnerable and I do not trust the fact that christian churches seem to prey on vulnerable people so that eventually you get hooked on their belief system which preaches lots of BS about good vs evil. And I find that to be very EXPLOITATIVE. If you want HELP without being brainwashed and NOTHING MORE, then I think that you need to see a local councelor or psychiatrist to get better FIRST. Maybe you need anti depressants which work wonders.Once you are completely BETTER and no longer VULNERABLE, and you feel like a STRONG women who can make rational decisions on her own, THEN AND ONLY THEN, if it interests you, you could visit the church of YOUR CHOICE, catholic, or buddhist, or jewish, WHATEVER, and you can choose to pursue a spiritual path of your choice.But right now, you do not need to seek the help of anybody BUT A SECULAR PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE. It is very important.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Michele Dear: It doesn't surprise me a bit your past. I'm the same annonymous from the first and second answers and I thought there was more to it. You have deep psychological and spiritual issues. There's a pattern of rejection and destruction in your life and it all started when you were conceived an your mother didn't want you. It's no time to cry or to feel sorry for yourself but to do something about it. You are full of spiritual bondages that need to be broken. You need spiritual deliverance. Please run to a Christian church where there is a spiritual deliverance ministry. You need help, is no joke. Please try it. God wants to help you. I can feel your pain. You might think that church is not for you but trust me it has helped me a lot. This is no coincidence. God wanted me to tell you this. Some churches have tranportation for those who can't drive. You can make friends there also. God bless you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): I totally agree with the first anonymous. It is really just great advice. I mean working on yourself (financially, becoming independent, whatever) is the most important priority before anything. And I personally really appreciate your advice (anonymous) because I too have had the same problem. You know being unemployed or just not having my act together and then always ending up in relationships that fail because I don't have anything going for me. And I used to be like lonely hunter thinking "well a guy should love me for who I am" and I have realised that that is just a poor excuse to not face the reality. Which is that I have just been neglecting myself as an individual. I don't know where my head is at but sometimes I think I am addicted to love. (I know that sounds funny). But it's true. Because I put so much aside just for the feeling and excitement I get from being "in love." But I am never fully satisfied just because there is always something missing. And what is missing is my own satsifaction in myself because I have left so many things unfinished. And I might have "love" but I have nothing else! In the end it has nothing to do with guys. All I want right now is to finish my degree and get a great job and be indepndent. (Which I am doing all that as we speak.) But it took me so much time and so much failure to realise how much more important and fulfilling that is. And I don't want to waste any more time falling back into my old habits and looking back and feeling so stupid for not realising how lucky I was and how I should have just done things differently. So thanks again for your words of encouragement.
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A
male
reader, biggshizawn +, writes (26 August 2007):
hello michelle i read your question and ihave a comment. you should never feel that you have to expalain yourself because you have a few extra pounds. for one if you are in bed with someone they already see you in the purest physical form.two stop sleeping with men because you are lonely. you are putting too much energy in the wrong thing. you can accomplish a lot being by yourself. trust me and the person that is going to really want to be with you is going to want to believe that his girl is the purest. so stop sleeping with people for the moment feeling. it is not healthy for you physically and spiritually. think of it like this. you are married to everyone you have sex with.pleasetake time to be alone figure out what you want to do. work your ass off and build that esteem up and look for a quality man. i am sure you would be happy!!!
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A
female
reader, lonely-hunter78 +, writes (26 August 2007):
lonely-hunter78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt mention that I have been in awful abusive relationships and I have been through alot and I am adopted. The extent of the abused stemmed from me being kicked, punched, choked, spit on, degraded, used, hit, and had a knife to my throat, manipulated and psycologically abused by demeaning words and shamed for who i am as a heavy woman. Please help and thanks to all who have put input into my delimma.-Michelle
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): On the sex issue I think abstinence is your best bet. You should deal with your personal affairs first. If a man can't listen to you and give you support What are you doing giving away your intimacy to him?. Make it a rule for you from now on. You are a lady. I'm 32 and have never been in a job for more than six months. They either fire me or I quit. Do you think I'm not afraid? I am. But I have to do something with my life. I exhort you to fight that fear just as I'm doing. I think you might be depressed. Is there any way you can get into therapy for free? Get psychological help if possible so you can cope with the car accidents related trauma and build your self esteem.I exhort you to get in to a good Bible based church too. Good people praying for you is an amazing blessing.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (26 August 2007):
 Michelle, It's hard to find an unselfish lover. Try to put your mind in this paradigm. "You are using the men you are sleeping with." Not untrue, you are getting what you need from them right? So if some guy comes along, how easy is he to get into bed? Make a game of it if you want. Sex can be fun and it is great, try a few guys out and see if they are good lovers. Don't stroke their egos either if they're not and they ask you how they are, tell them" not the best you've had". You must be pretty, cause you're getting men. Keep losing weight, get yourself in shape. It takes time to put on weight, and it takes time to get it off. Don't let it hold you back any longer about feeling good about yourself. Imagine how good you will feel the day you step on the scale and you are proud of that accomplishment. In the meantime, have great sex, and love yourself.
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A
female
reader, lonely-hunter78 +, writes (26 August 2007):
lonely-hunter78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am on ssi and I cannot afford a new car or the payments plus i have been in alot of car accidents. I am afraid to work again for my jobs never lasted. So I need a man to accept me for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Why are you so afraid of being alone? I'm older than you, pretty, have a great slim body and I and I'm currently alone, unemployed, still living with my parents and happy. Dont' listen to your family, friends, or society. You don't have to be like everyone else to be happy. Society pressures us to do what the majority does. I just can't find a man to love me truly and I can't control that so I have chosen to do what I can control. Last year I finished my master's. I haven't found a job yet, I'm very indebted, I just lost my relationship for being unemployed for so long, but I don't care. I've learned that happiness is a decision you make. I want to be happy in spite of all that. I have decided that what I can't control won't make me unhappy. I've learned that people will never be happy with your life, you are the one that have to be happy with your life.I'm afraid you are going through the same thing I went through a long time ago. You are just focusing on one goal in life and leting other aspects of your life hanging. STOP IT!! Forget about men for a little while. I know how you feel. Lonely, sad, in the need for love.. I've been there. You are not a loser you've just been focusing on just one goal in life. Therefore wasting precious time. Focus on something else. What about getting that driver's license? Just for you, not for people. In order to become a good partner you need to be equipped with the right tools to build a healthy marriage: self esteem, independence, and maturity. So do the things that will help you develop those qualities. Men will freak out if they think that they might have to support you financially because you are unemployed. I know. I am there. That's why I'm not looking for a relationship now. I might want to but I will not. I have to grow as a person first. And that means that I will have no boyfriend until I'm settled financialy. Take care of yourself first. Men love that. Only then (you'll see) that the right man will come along. Love will find you, don't look for it. Look for ways of becoming independent in all the ways you can. I'm so happy that you are losing weight right now. Keep it up. That's a great start and that's taking care of yourself. See? You are already doing it. I really hope this helps! Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (26 August 2007):
 Hi
Thye main problem here is you dont seem to think too highly of yourself? When that happens people tend to make bad judgements to be honest.
You really need to work on your confidence, try and think where this stems from.
Unless someone is dangerous its unlikely they wouldnt have the opertunity to meet someone that will think the world of them have fullfilling relationships.
Dont hand yourself on a plate to any bloke. If you meet someone, speand some time with them first, then you will make a better judgement. If it doesnt work out, you still have your self respect in tact.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Don't be so harsh for what has happened until now, be understanding and compassionate, and don't downgrade yourself dear. For fear what others may think of you, you can act accordingly to what is expected of you, and that is so wrong!, letting outside perceptions to govern you. It's your life, you should set the rules! I for one wouldn't blame you. Why do you?... The first step is to check the newspapers asap for employments in order to feel you are useful. It can be a temporary occupation before you discover a better opportunity. Now, it's inadmissible to apologise to a man for your body! That man will know immediately he can profit from you, from your insecurities. Having had these temporary romances, it means you are... an attractive woman! But you're using this in your disbenefit...
You needn't be dominant, you plainly shouldn't feel compulsed to give in to these occasional lovers as if your purpose is to make them happy with the cost of your own precious tranquility. In fact restraining from what you don't like and imposing your limits teaches the man he can't manipulate you! You have to work on your self-esteem dear. Oh it sounds as if you don't love yourself at all, knowingly allowing others to use you. When did all these begin, and why? Only you can put a stop to them.
We all have problems, more or less, you know? What would you think about this woman who had exactly! the same problems as you, and learned to face them, that today has no regrets and a peaceful insight, is perfectly content with who she is. Being content is noticeable and reflects in her interactions. What would you think, that she won? You can be that woman. You have her problems... have the heart to solve them too. And do it for nobody else but you! Don't let anyone tell you differently dear.
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