A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:I have a dilemma the men I have dated or run into have been the cruelest and this has been an ongoing cycle I can't end- I was in a verbally abusive relationship for five years only to end it after I finally woke up from his control.I took some time and tried to date and found myself chasing a guy that "didn't want a relationship" only to find out he was engaged after three months I got physical with him.so I tried to get over that and think - "thank god it's not me he got into a quick relationship and got married within three months"After that I took some time off and my last bf and I met through mutual friends. I got so excited when he asked me to be exclusive within two weeks that I forgot to see the red flags- him being set centered and doing things at his own time- him not being communicative and too quiet to the point where he never realy got to know me- him insisting to intorduce me to his family even though two months is too soon- him taking advantage of my niceness and bringing family/friends to every date night we had. When I finally opened my eyes and said something to him- he broke up with me over text - I confronted him and all he could come up with is we don't see things eye to eye- meaning im set in my ways - You're not the one that's probably gonna take it. This man wanted to be in a relationship with me - texted me every night but never tried to know me- in fact when I spoke to him I told him "you say we don't have the same interests but in the last six months all we've been chasing is your interests and barely having time alone to explore anything that I moght like so you can't even say that because you don't know anything about me- can you name my favorite band? No because you never asked." My stuff is still at his house and I have blocked him from all aspects of my life besides my mindMy main problem and question is how can I not think its me? I see people moving on and it hurts me that I don't get the chance after I go above and beyond. For example the one that got engaged three months after I was with him was a cheater - why do I think I missed something because he chose some unfortunate soul to lie to?The one that broke up with me is a jerk why does my heart sink if I see him with another woman? I think was I not good enough for him to put an effort in? Or is it that people don't change???
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 June 2016):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this.
Part of me wants to think what you are experiencing is normal. The dating process is usually fraught with many failed attempts. Each of those failures brings about some lesson learned and a bit of wisdom. So while it has been painful, you have certainly gotten some knowledge of what you are NOT looking for.
That being said, one of the things that is a common thread is that you seem to like challenges. I see you going after men who either aren't available or don't quite respect you. Remember, in a relationship your needs have to be met too. While "loving" someone means sustaining their needs, it doesn't have to be all about self-sacrifice. And just from the brief synopsis of what you've given us, I see a bit of a pattern. Also, you may be looking for too much -- too soon.
You don't give us any clue as to where you meet your mates. Sometimes social events, rather than the night club scene, generates more quality partners. That way you have a common interest and value already from the get go. Sometimes that is religious events or even community events. If there is something you are passionate about, find a group to associate yourself with.
Finally, you may find it useful to see a therapist. Even for a few times. Sometimes talking with someone on a professional level could give you insight into your subconscious motives. There could be patterns from your upbringing that is holding you back or seeking out risky relationships.
The most important thing though is to build up your self-esteem. Realizing that you are worth being loved will help you succeed in finding someone who will build you up, rather than tear you down.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): Often when you're lonely and tired of looking, you'll settle for whatever comes your way. You have to learn to just date and wait. That means, see guys without expecting a commitment; just enjoy their company and seeing each other. Allowing time to give you a true picture of whom you're dealing with. Some people are good at keeping up facades or offering you the personality you've inadvertently explained you wanted in your profile online, or may have overshared on a date.
Sometimes men use that to get as close as they can to manipulate you. That's how they often get you sexually active within a few dates. Once they've conquered that, you see their true colors; and they seem to change. If you're desperate, you attach feelings too easily; and that keeps you in emotional turmoil.
Learn from the past. Don't accept commitment from men too easily. Just date and see how things develop over time; and allow yourself enough time to establish what kind of personality that is really be behind the mask of good-looks and sweet-talk. Guys turn on the charm, and that's how we attract you. You have to checkout their overall character and not just look for a boyfriend. Slow your roll, girlfriend!
You have to subdue your eagerness to be in a relationship; so you'll stop rushing into things and getting in too deep before you realize what kind of guy you're dealing with.
None of the men you described suddenly changed. You overlooked a lot about them; because you were needy for attention. Don't allow that part of yourself to get the better of you. You have to think with your head; as well as your heart, my dear. Loneliness makes us bypass common-sense, but you can't allow that to happen. Or you will repeat the cycle again and again. Just taking time off doesn't solve the problem either. You must learn how to do "recreational dating;" to keep an active social-life. If it's meant to be, romance will blossom over time. Allowing chemistry to develop, while you're evaluating your guy. Checking-off the boxes as you determine his good points and his bad points. Then, if he says he wants something more serious, weigh the pros and cons. Never be quick to give any guy an answer. Think it over carefully.
Ignore the anxious little girl inside, she wants to jump in feet-first. Let the woman take-over. Use discernment, be patient, and be choosy.
That's how you break the cycle.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 June 2016):
 Unfortunately, my feeling is that this experience is not uncommon. It's not your fault or anything you did. There are just a lot of wrong people out there. I am getting the impression you think that you are broken to have tried these men, all for them to fall apart, but that's not really it. And isn't this kind of dating altogether- you break up until you don't. These experiences--from what you're telling us--to me seem varied enough that the only commonality between them is they didn't work out. It does sound like you learned from your experiences--for example: listen to your gut, believe the red flags. I do think you probably need to be a little more assertive-if something's not right for you, tell them why it's not working for you, try to nip it in the bud instead of letting things fester. But other than that, I don't know if I believe that people ever "deserve" a bad outcome of a relationship, it's just part of life and frequently the case that relationships don't last forever, until you find a better fit. None of these guys seem that invested in you, not sure how rewarding they could have been, so make sure you find one that seems to value you and care about how you feel. You may want to think about taking a break from dating if you need more time to figure out what you need and how to get it.
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