A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HI all,This question is not directly involving me, but even though I can not control it, I reap the consequences of the problem. All of my life, I have believed that I had the "perfect homelife." My parents always told my siblings and I that they loved us, we could achieve anything we desired, and so on. We had all of the love and support that we could ask for. I came from a strong religious background and our faith always seemed to hold us together no matter what. My parents never fought, at least not major fights.Recently, however, i have learned a lot of things that I am very traumatized by. I have moved out of the house within the last year and since then I have seen my mom in a different light. I was home on mother's day weekend and I went to the bathroom I noticed that my mom had left her phone open. I saw a text message from a strange number that said "i wish i could talk to you 24 hours a day, i wish i could see you more. when can i call?" This broke my heart. I had begun to see since i moved out, that my mom is COMPLETELY distanced from my dad. He tries to hug her and she will wiggle away. She never kisses him and he tries, to no avail. (And there are major fights, behind closed doors about problems that she has, such as stealing my dads money that he uses for bills, or the fact obsurd fact that she accuses him of looking at other women) After reading the message, I privately called the number and found out that it is a man whom she used to date. She dated this man while she was married to my sister's father, he was one reason they separated. I want to tell my father about this SO bad but i don't know if i can bring myself to break his heart this way. For mother's day, he went overboard like usual, buying her exactly what she wants. I couldn't even bring myself to give her a card. She has always been a great mother to her three children, but as a wife, she is a complete failure and my dad deserves SO MUCH MORE. He is an amazing person and I don't understand why she is doing this. He would do anything in the world for her. I just don't know what to do...can someone please advise me on this??!!P.S. My mom hates where we live and she wants to move to town. A couple months ago my father found a burnt spot on the carpet in the house where my mom said that she accidentally caught a rag on fire and flung it, but it was only ther a few seconds. My dad told me that the carpet is flame retardent and it would have taken a few minutes at the least to catch that carpet on fire. THEN, we found a candle warmer (turned on) in a box of old newspaper. this box was two feet away from the end table but my mom insists that it got knocked into the box. sound fishy? I think so.Thanks for any input!
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female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Sounds similar to a situation I am faced with and its awful. My mother has been doing the same type of thing (not the burning down of the house) but the playing around (not just with one but with mulitple!)I can't talk to my father about it without either 1) embarrassing him ( you have to take in to account that maybe your father already knows and thats what the fights are about) or 2) breaking his heart. So I choose to say nothing...having said that, I have made sure that if something went wrong I have all the proof that would ever be needed in court about these men.
I cant choose between my parents. thats far too hard, I do love my mother however at this point in time I don't really like her So I understand where you are comming from...
My advice is to let them sort it out as I am with my parents. Nothing stays a secret for long and evenutally it will all come out. Prepare yourself for such an event and be strong for your father, he will need it. In the mean time hope that they work it out.
Best of luck
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Hi, I'm not sure what you are hinting at about the fire. Are you saying you think she was trying to set fire to the house?. Because if you do think that, and are worried maybe you should tell your Dad. As for the text message, you shouldnt really go down her phone, you may have got this all wrong. It might be best to admit to her, that you snooped and didnt like what you read. It's doubtfull that she would admit to you that she is having an affair though. As for your dad! that's a really dificult one. Whatever you do you cant win. If you tell him, you will break his heart. And if he finds out you knew, and didnt tell him, it will be just as bad.
The best way to handle it all would be to make 100% sure that you are right first. And like the other Aunt said, tell your mother to tell him before you do.
Good luck XX
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (20 May 2008):
 I'm really sorry you are going through this. I dont think parents consider the kids in situations like these, you know? I think the best way to let him know is to not tell him directly, but hint to him, so he can find out on his own. This will prevent you from being stuck in the middle. Tell him things like, "I've noticed mom texting an awful lot, do you text her a lot when you arnt here?" or "I dunno whats come over mom, she seems distracted. She was really concearned with me seeing her phone." If you come right out and tell him, he will tell your mom you told him, which could permanently scar your relationship with her. You need a good relationship with her, and even though you dont agree with what she is doing to your dad, she seems to be a good mom to you. Another thing you might consider is talking to her about it, calmly over a bowl of ice cream. Sounds silly but, she might respect that you came to her with your concerns and it could help strengthen your relationship wit her. My mom and I have a very close relationship, tell eachother everything, and she is the only person I can take constructive critasism form and not get offended. And that goes for her too. She always respects my opinions and advice, and she is my very best friend (trust me, she dosnt have a good, clean record on relationships either, but we learn, too, from our parents mistakes). Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Talk to your mom about it if you have to, not your father. In any case, he may already know.
It seems clear from what you have said that both your parents love you. If their marriage is not perfect, then at least they have both held it together while you were growing up, and given you a "perfect homelife".
If it's all going wrong, then the last thing you want is to be the one who sparks it off. The love of your parents for you is important, and will always be important to you and to them no matter what happens between them. You don't want to lose that, and taking sides if and when their relationship breaks isn't going to make anyone's life any easier either.
Marriages don't always work. All you can do is to love both of them for what they are to you. Don't appoint yourself as judge, jury and executioner. There may be a lot that you don't know, and even if you are absolutely right in what you are assuming, it's for them to sort out if and when it needs sorting out.
Just love them both like they love you. That is the best possible thing you can ever do for either of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): What your mum is doing is dispicable. She only thinks about herself and is so selfish.
Maybe you should confront your mother. Tell her that you know she has been seeing her ex and see what she says. You should tell her to finish the affair and to tell your father or you will. This will force her to take responsibility for what she has done and will give her the horrible job of telling your father (who deserves to know the truth and who does sound like he deserves much more than your mother). This will keep you safe as you will not be shot for being the messanger.
Where the fire is conserned, it sounds like your mother may have some sort of mental illness.
Good Luck,
Emivia.
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