A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am totally and utterly dispairing of my own behaviour. I got married very young at age 21 and was never very happy from the outset. By age 24 I had a brief affair with a married man and immediately told my husband. He was very calm (almost not bothered) and we stayed together. I even told my parents who were pretty disgusted with me and I was unable to talk to anyone. However our relationship did not improve despite my efforts to be a better wife and keep things running smoothly. I started to blame myself as I had had an affair and I felt like I had become a bad person. It was always something other people did - people I looked down on. After a couple of very bad years when my husband was away about 80% of the week, I then fell for a man I met at work. We started as friends and then one evening after a couple of drinks we kissed and I started a very long and difficult affair. This lasted 5 years and I am disgusted to type this but I became very very good at covering it up. It was easy in some respects because I was on my own a great deal but I stayed glued in my marriage as the familiarity and security it offered was a hugely important thing for me. This other man was married and I knew it would go nowhere and eventually it fizzled out. I was relieved in the end and I felt my husband and I could finally get on without my addiction (which is how it then had begun to feel). Although I do love many things about my husband I do not think I can be in love with him. He has been violent and emotionally abusive but I cannot blame some of his actions as my emotions were also all over the place. I also had a one night stand and after this I decided to move away from my husband so we separated. For a year we lived apart although met up at weekends as friends. I know he did not want us to split up. He only ever knew about the first fling. I have carried my own self-hatred about the rest ever since. However the last twist in this hideous tale is that whe we separated I met a lovely man who I told about my actions but who took me as I was. I felt loved and I loved him back. He moved away with his job and I was unable to find work near him so we split up. I have struggled financially and my husband wanted us to try again. I have not told him about the guy I met who moved away. I am now living under the same roof as my husband but things are terribly strained. I am very depressed with my actions and now feel unworthy of anyone. I would love to be with the guy who moved away but now I think this is too late. I have realised that I am somehow mentally / emotionally stuck to be with my husband but he will never be enough. The guy who moved away was all I needed but I could not be with him for financial reasons. Now I feel totally wiped out because he still keeps in touch with me and cannot understand why i will not reply to him or let him visit me. I have wasted my life. I have abused peoples trust. Lied upon lies.I have let myself down. I don't know how to move on from all this - feel like I want to take my brain out and clean it. I even felt suicidal (although not now) and cannot work out why I am like this. I hold down a good job, dress smartly and am kind and loving with family and friends but feel like a fraud like I have been so selfish and yet I just wanted to find happiness but never did. I need to know how I can move on from all this and stop the cycle of bad relationships and lies. Please help.
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affair, at work, depressed, emotionally abusive, married man, move on, one night stand, split up, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Well! You made the first major step by admitting you have a problem. It would be nice if we could all meet the right partner straight away and never have anymore heartache, but life isnt like that.
I wonder why you pick married men to have affairs with, could it be that you know they will be unavailable and so you dont have to make any comitment. I truly believe that going back to your husband just for the sake of stability is the wrong decision for the both of you though. You are not being fair on him or yourself. You cannot really love him otherwise you would not do this, over and over. If he has treated you bad, thats another reason not to go back with him.
Only you can change the way you are, but their must be some deep reason for the way that you act. Have you tried talking this through with a councilor, because they may be able to help. I think that if you had some time on your own, it would un-cover a lot of things that you dont understand about yourself. It would appear that you are looking for love, but you dont truly love yourself.
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