A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I've been broken up with my ex girlfriend for going on three months now. In addition to spending time with my friends, working out, and getting involved with some of my hobbies, I've also been doing a fair amount of reading as of late. One book in particular, C. Terry Warner's "Bonds that Make us Free," was given to me by a good friend, and I've recently finished reading it. As the person who gave me the book initially informed me, it has had a powerful impact on how I think about myself, and my interactions with others. While I will not pretend that I would like nothing better than to get back with my ex, I would like to send her this book for her own benefit -- hopefully to help with her self-professed "anger" issues that she holds responsible for ending all of her relationships and that she also feels helpless to combat. As I said, while I would certainly like to be with her, I don't want her to surmise as much from me giving her the book. So, I figure I have a few options for getting the book to her, including:1. Mail it anonymously. 2. Give to a mutual friend, and have the friend say "I just read this, and think it may be something valuable for you, too."3. Give it to her myself. 4. Some other way that I have not thought of. How can I best go about giving my ex the book?
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male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Mail her to say you've just read this really interesting book which you found helpful. Tell what its about. Ask her if she'd like to borrow it sometime. Thats it. She either will or she won't.
However seems that you are looking for reasons to contact her.
Why not ask her out - with end objective of re-starting your relationship. She either will or she won't.
If she won't - you have your final answer - stop looking for reasons to contact her - start to focus on your new prospects. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): The mutual friend idea seems the best :)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Hi,
I think that she would know you well enough to see through any note and know that it was yours. It wouldn't be anonymus. I really do think that you have the best of intentions. You might consider this as a parting gift. Pass along your hope for her having a better life in the form of the self-help book. Then, knowing that you did everything that you could to impart some positive influence, say good-bye in your heart. You did all that you could have done. You certainly will be able to look back and know that you did the right thing. Just let it go. Life really does have the most extrodinary way of working itself out, your future lies before you (Oops, heading dangerously close to fortune cookie territory...).
Cheers
XXX
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Why do want to give her the book? Do you want her to see what you see, or to see things the way you do? Did she break up with you or did you break up with her? Who asked for the break up? Anything you suggest her to read she will perceive as controlling her. If you want to control her, there are better ways. If you are trying to tell her that she has a problem, you would be better off telling her directly. What do you want to do? I suggest finding out what she wants and giving to her if you want her back. I personally would not go back, you are starting off losing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): It's not really your place to give anyone a self-help book & if you send it anonymous, she will know it was you. Then what are you going to do, lie about it? I think sending it anonymously is the worst idea and the most condescending! My mom gave me a self help book a few years back & I am still a little offended by it. But that is my own mom, so it's excusable. This is an ex girlfriend. I think the best bet is to talk to her straight up & say what you liked about this book, and tell her how you think it would be very valuable for her to read. Don't try ramming it down her throat though. If she was honest about her issues with you, you being honest about this will not offend her. She will either take the book, or say no thanks. But if you send it to her anonymously, it is like a slap in the face. If you don't think this is a condesending thing to do, why are you thinking of sending it anonymous?? You should be able to stand up for what you believe is a good cause & face her. If you can't do that then I don't believe that you're doing it for a good cause because you'd have no reason to hide.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): I am the original poster. Thank you for the responses thus far. To clear a few things up:
She did break up with me. We've talked since the breakup, so it's not that she "does not want to be in contact with me," in fact she's been adamant about staying in touch, as I never initiate communication, it's just that I don't want to push the idea of our relationship on her, even though I would like to be with her.
I almost broke up with her about 2 months prior to when she broke up with me. She sent me an email then, apologizing for her "anger" issue, and said that it has caused her to end all of her relationships in the past. She thanked me for trying to work through the issue(s) with her.
Clearly, at least as I think, she never did resolve this issue. The book really is quite excellent, and I believe that, whether or not she had an "epiphany" regarding me, it would be a valuable read.
I am not attempting to be condescending--she's the one who told me about her problem, and her inability to fix it on her own. She even said that she needs some kind of outside help, as she has tried to change and cannot.
I really care for her, and obviously cannot even be sure if the book will help, let alone if she will bother to read it.
I think the previous answer suggesting that I a mail it to her anonymously is probably my best bet, but should I include any kind of note, or just send the book with nothing else?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (23 August 2007):
Hi,
It sounds like you have the best of intentions regarding your ex, you probably know her well and know what might be helpful to her. BUT, I have the feeling that there is no good way to suggest that any self-help book might be a must-read or even a welcomed gift (and you did not mention who split with whom). If you really feel she should see this book, send it anonymously. She also might be more curious, wonder where it came from and read it.
Cheers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): I don't know dude. I see where you are coming from but you shouldn't try to help people who didn't ask for your help or might not feel they need help. What you are doing is actually really condescending even though you think it is trying to be helpful.
I guess you feel that her anger caused your split and so you want to get back with her and think that if she reads this book she might have an epiphany. Well obviously she does not want to be in contact with you cause if she did you would have no qualms about giving her the book yourself.
I think you are being really condescending and I am sure she is going to see right through all this, but I guess if you are going to do it anyways, I say give it to her yourself. You are just making things worse for yourself, though, just so you know.
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