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male
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*SBJE
writes:How Do I save My Best Mate?As a single male I'm concerned for my male married friend and Neighbor.We have known each other for two years, he knocked on my door one day with a petition to sign.Since then we have become good friends we have the odd beer together and enjoy each others company. The problem is his wife, despite working ten hour days , she has a list of things for him to do every day when he gets home, she cannot stand to see him have any time to himself or with his friends. We are such good friends I was able to ask him had he been caught cheating before, thinking this was the cause of her watchful eye, "No I have never been caught". he said.As there are children involved he says it's easier "to go with the flow".A few months ago he was really down, I was concerned and asked could I help? He told me "it was all getting on top of him". I listened like there was no tomorrow and suggested things he might do to feel better.Sure enough a couple of days later he was good as gold we were down the pub having a beer when his wife rang demanding he get home, two minutes later she was there to pick him up. Ever since then she will not let us be together alone.Her isolating behavior see's him estranged from his own Mother, siblings and his friends, who are never invited inside the house (except when she is not home).She is at home all day every day, yet he has to prepare the evening meal for the family, or it's off to her Mother's about 4 times a week.I asked him why it appeared we were not allowed alone any more he said "she is suspicious and always asking questions, always has been". Suspicious of what? I thought.He is now in another down mood and avoiding me (on her instructions I suspect) and we have resorted to meeting without her knowing.I know most will say it is too hard to be his friend, but he really is a lovely guy and after all he does for his family, I need to know how I can be there for him without making a bad situation worst? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Sometimes I wonder if this isn't an epidemic. I now know more than 3 men who have controlling wives. The worst is married 14 years, no kids, and his wife will not "allow" him to have friends except for one who lives in their apt. complex. I have watched him cower and be afraid, keep silent, give her the answers she wants and generally be scared poop-less of her. I wonder, WHY? After all these years of watching I can only surmise that he LIKES it like that. Many women have tried to offer him something different. He says she's like his mom. That's key. She also controls the money, and he has had trouble over the years that she has helped him with, and she says HE OWES HER. And because he stays with her, he continues to accept her "advice and help" (he lost his job for a year, makes way less than she does) and he knows that he has to learn how to stand up for himself but instead, he just "goes along". I have lost all respect for him because he acts like a willing victim to her emotional blackmail. I wouldn't be surprised if she threatens him in many ways, verbally and physically. We need to understand that it's not our business to get in their business - if he chooses to leave his wife then you can help, but not until. BTW, my friend loves to get the pity of his friends, too, but never makes a move to get away from her. Therefore, he is CHOOSING TO STAY. Nothing I can do, or you either.
A
male
reader, MSBJE +, writes (24 September 2009):
MSBJE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for your advise, I have & constantly do make sure that I view this from both sides, She has her family to support her & he has who? his family are made to feel uneasy when they call, in fact now they don't even bother.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
You've just got to be a friend who's there for him. You could always turn up one evening and say to him 'come out, no excuses'. Or have a bbq with some other friends and ask him to come around. At least then he will be out and about.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (23 September 2009):
 Hi, you sound like a great friend and he's lucky to have you. Obviously she sounds like a controlling shrew, but in my experience theres always 2 sides to every story and you may not be in receipt of the full facts. That way he can act the victim, getting your full sympathy.
I suspect she may have her reasons why shes acting this way and he does nothing about it, so he gets something out of it on some level.
You can only lead a horse to water, you cant make it drink, so just be there in the background when he needs you. I feel theres more to this than meets the eye.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): It seems like you are participating too much in your friend's "problems".
it's very common for single guys and women think of their married friends as "trapped" in marriage that only makes life so hard.
There is a lot of things going on in married life, especially w/kids. 2 different people live together, of-course things happen, but they are the ones who are going to work on it, not you.
I don't know how often you guys would get for beer together, but if it's like every week, and she has to stay home w/kids without getting any break, of-course she ll complain.
Because your friend works long hours it doesn't mean that his wife has to do absolutely everything in a house. Her hours could be 14 hours a day cleaning, grocery shopping, washing, taking care of kids, paying bills, shopping for car insurance, driving kids to afterschool activities, shopping for their clothes, doing homework w/them and so on..
I did it for 18 years w/my only daughter. When she left house and started living on her own, she told me that she couldn't realize how much work I did all those years.
What I am trying to say, it's hard for an outsider to see the wholle picture. If you are such a good friend don't be on anyone side, don't support your friend against his wife. They can take care of themselves.Good luck
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male
reader, MSBJE +, writes (23 September 2009):
MSBJE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to both answers to date. Married lady your thoughts are well received.
Anonymous, there is NO suggestion either in real life or my question that there is anything sexual between me & my mate.I choose to be single, that does not mean I cannot understand the sometimes complex issues of marriage.
Putting your theory into place see's us all losers if she pushes him over the edge?
For clarification past friends of his tell me that " this has been going on long before I arrived on the scene" that therefore negates your response, but thank you anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Do you know any females who could speak to her? Could monitor his wifes behaviour? It might be that coming from another woman she could see the error of her ways otherwise its just men ganging up and taking sides. I feel as though she needs to hear about someone else doing that to a guy and the guy leaving them in the end when he'd had enough. It might make her realise? Could you invite them both out to a meal or around for dinner? would she feel less threatened then? I don't think you will help by getting too involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): all you can do is be there when he calls, and listen when he talks. He has to do the rest. You sound like a true mate, and he is lucky to have a friend in you. He is walking a rough road, and you may be keeping him sane. Just be available...sorry i couldnt help more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): You say you are male... this reads as if you are a female and the wife is jealous of your friendship with her husband....
At any rate, if he was not happy I am sure he would leave but I think he likes his wife to 'wear the pants' in their relationship....
Stay out of his relationship with his wife and family and let him sort out his own problems.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (23 September 2009):
 If he doesn't have the balls to stand up for himself, you can't lend him yours. She probably senses that you think she's a bossy, controlling nag and resents his friendship with you. You can only feel sorry for those people who let a partner walk all over them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Do you know why he is there with his controlling wife? because HE chooses to be with her. Whatever your issues are stay away from their marriage and family. Let them sort their issues..even though it looks like YOU are the issue in their marriage. They are together and he is not going to choose you over his wife, sorry. Just stay away and try and find yourself a un-married boyfriend or galfriend...find a partner please, leave the oak alone with his family.
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