A
male
age
41-50,
*rLagavulin
writes:Hi... I'm 32 and she's 37.We've been together for 5 years.Every year we have less sex(1-2 times/ month) but the quality of our sex is phenomenal. My desire for her is very intense but she refuses to have sex more than 1-3 times/ month and it's usually me who initiates it. Lately I've been thinking and even dreaming of other women... I browse erotic sites and not to mention that I masturbate every day thinking about either my wife or other women.I do not think that I'd go as far cheating but if a woman hits on me I won't refuse it.I love my wife tremendously and do not want to cheat on her.How can I aproach my wife so that we make love at lease once a week. By the way we do not have any children, we decided not to have any and travel the world instead:) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 I think the loss of the baby/miscarriage, whatever really happened did affect her more than she is letting on and perhaps by saying at the beginning of your relationship that she did not want children was a way in which she could protect herself from ever getting hurt again like that.
Denying yourself children is a big thing to give up and whilst I appreciate the fact that you agreed from the beginning and you seem fine with that decision have you ever wondered if she has started to have second thoughts about this as time has gone on and that is the reason for no sexual contact.
The only other thing I wonder is whether she has had any contact with anyone else as there could be guilt involved, I am not definitely saying that this has happened but who knows it is another possibility for not wanting to get too intimate with you.
There are two paths to follow with all of this either the hurt that she is holding on to from her previous marriage and that loss of that baby/child. Why is it that she did not tell you this herself and it only came out at a party and through a friend, this is something that should have come up a long time ago.
I don't want to throw cold water on your marriage by saying about infidelity but I think you should consider every conceivable reason and also doing what you are right now and that is talking.
If all else fails then perhaps you should suggest some couple counselling as you feel that your relationship is suffering badly and you both need to work together to resolve those issues with an unbiased third party, believe me it does help to find out what is going on and also helps you learn how to listen to your partner and solve any problems you may have.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 September 2008):
It sounds like she has some kind of problem if she is actively avoiding even kissing.
I think you need to talk to her and find out if she sees you as a boyfriend or a companion.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, DrLagavulin +, writes (8 September 2008):
DrLagavulin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi countrywoman, no she has not lost or gain weight.I knew since the beginnig of our relationship that she did not want to have any children and that's fine with me. I do think that there is something she's keeping inside from her previous marriage. I found by mistake during a party with her friends that she was pregnant once and had miscarriage and another time some other friend mentioned that she has lost a baby... My wife then told me that she did not mentioned it to me because it was not important for her because she wants to put her past behind because her ex husband made her life meserable... I repect that.
There is definitely some stress because of her job... so I will follow your advice and open a bottle of wine and talk.
Thanks
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A
male
reader, DrLagavulin +, writes (8 September 2008):
DrLagavulin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the reply emilysavers.I Want her first and then the sex. The second issue is that whe does not respond to a long sweet kiss she usually ends it after a few seconds. I talked to her recently about not responding to my kissing and I asked if there is something wrong...(I always make sure that I have fresh breath) because during the first 3 years we use to kiss a lot...hug... hold hands and it was always me who would initiate...She said that she has not realized that we almost do not kiss some time even when we're intimate she does not respond to my kissing and this worries me. I tried to romance her by preparing romantic dinners and candle light but she turned the lights on be cause she thought it was to dark and pet the dog... sometimes I feel jealous that she gives more affection to the dog than to me... it may sound weird but that's how I feel.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (8 September 2008):
 dont forget, you could always buy her some naughty outfits, or sexy underwear, something a bit different to put the spice back in... maybe even a new toy...
i know i have my vibrators,which i love and can reach orgasm with, but its always so much nicer when someone does it for you!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (8 September 2008):
I would say that the advice you have received from Emilysanswers is sound advice.
I would also say that has anything changed for your wife over the last year at all, like her job or her appearance at all?
Has your wife gained or lost a sizeable amount of weight?
You say about not having children and travelling the world instead? Was this something that she said first off or you about not wanting the children or is it something that is on the back burner for years to come? I just wonder if she is frightened of falling pregnant because that is something that has not been planned at all as you made this agreement.
I am just wondering if things have changed for her in any way and she is too scared to say something to you. Has you changed her mind in the last year about the desire to have children and feels that this would be unacceptable to you?
Does she have any medical problems that she is not confiding in you about?
Sexual desire can change from time to time and stress in a job can create a situation where there is no energy or inclination for sex no matter how much you love the other person. I just wonder if there is something else behind the reason for less sex.
I realise that relationships do change and men normally have a higher sex drive than women but not all women I might add.
I would suggest talking calmly over a bottle of wine and a decent meal and some candles burning and just talking without any pressure for sex and see if you can get to the bottom of this.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 September 2008):
Well when you approach her do you come across as wanting HER or wanting sex?
When was the last time you just went up and gave her a huge soft kiss that lasted over a minute - but not because you wanted sex.
If you increase the amount of affection and kissing in your relationship then you'll make her feel more wanted and more sexy.
If she feels like that then she's more likely to want sex on a regular basis.
Romance her!
Good Luck!! xx
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