A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some advice on how to deal with a situation.My partner and I are in our 50s and have been together for an incredibly happy 18 months. He is kind, considerate, generous, loving, and everything I could wish for.We are both divorced. When we met I had been on my own for 10 years, and he was going through a very difficult divorce. His divorce became final last summer and his ex wife moved out of the family home in this new year.We are currently in the process of selling our respective properties and buying a house together. We are both so excited about this, and he future looks rosy.In the past he has increasingly behaved as though he wanted to marry me. His behaviour has included squeezing me meaningfully and grinning like a loon every time anyone mentioned marriage, and when people mistakenly referred to us as "your husband" or "your wife" teasingly saying "Ooooooh, married!". with a gleeful grin, and asking me what sort of wedding ring I would have if I got married again. So I had naturally assumed that he wanted to marry me as much as I want to marry him, and I had let myself daydream....However, last weekend he droppped a bombshell and told me in no uncertain terms that, although he would like to marry me, following his divorce he no longer believes in marriage and plans to never marry again. I was very honest and told him that I would like us to get married. So he knows how I feel on the matter.He is a wonderful man, and I have no doubt that we will spend the rest of our lives very happily together. But I would love to be married to him because I love him so much and believe that marrying someone is an enormous declaration of love to that person. His bombshell has made me feel that he loved and trusted his first wife enough to marry her, but obviously doesn't love and trust me enough to marry me. In short, I am crushed and shocked by his declaration that he will never marry me. I am not looking for advice on how to change his mind - that would be pointless ,and I respect him too much to try to override his belief.But I would really appreciate some advice on how I can:1. Accept his decision not to marry me, even though it is the total opposite of what I would love.2. Learn to live with the knowledge that the man I love does not want to marry me.3. Accept that, although he does not want to marry me, he loved someone else in the past enough to marry her.Thank you all very much for your advice.
View related questions:
crush, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, moved out, teasing, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2017): Hello everyone, this is the OP here.Thank you all very much for your helpful and understanding responses. I will address some of the questions you asked and issues you raised:I am totally convinced of his love for me and his commitment to me, and I see us being together for ever. Although I am disappointed that marriage is unlikely, realistically I know that us being together and being happy is the most important thing. Moving forward, I will accept that it is unlikely that we will get married, so I'm not going to bring up the subject again. And I am just going to continue to enjoy the wonderful relationship that we already have. It was his idea that we buy a house together, and he is very keen to do so. I have let him lead on this as I wanted to be sure that it was something he was ready to do because his divorce has been so recent. Finances: We will be drawing up legal agreements before we purchase the house and move in together. These are:A Deed/Declaration of Trust to ensure that the property is divided properly in the event of one of us dying.A Cohabitation Agreement which will detail which pieces of furniture etc belong to each person. We have already discussed and agreed this. I am doubly determined that we do this if we are not married. So again, thank you all very much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): My best friend (also in her fifties) met a lovely man who had been through a tough divorce and in his words, 'was taken to the cleaners'. He said that he would never marry again. My friend really wanted to marry him and really wanted him to want to marry her. In the end though she accepted the way he felt and they bought a house together, lived together everything except marriage.She would mention it occasionally to me and then admit that it didn't really matter as he was committed to her and they were very happy.They always go on holiday every January. This year they went to Mexico and on their tenth anniversary of being together, he brought out a diamond ring and proposed! She had never expected him to change his mind because he showed no sign of it. BUT she never badgered him about it, other than at the beginning, before she had accepted how he felt. It's only been eighteen months and your boyfriend hasn't had time to catch his breath yet. It's not a case of him trusting his first wife and not you. It's a question, I bet, of him having had his trust or his bubble burst by the divorce and depending on the circumstances of it, feeling as if he couldn't financially recover from it happening a second time. I think divorce can be very hard on men, so you have to take that into consideration. If you love him and want to marry him, then play the long game and make it a happy one. You never know, you might be the one to change your mind as you never know someone until you live with them!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 February 2017):
 Sending hugs as this sounds like quite a painful situation for you.
I suspect this is a knee-jerk reaction to his divorce. A couple of years down the line, when the dust has settled and you two have a strong relationship, he may slowly come round to the idea of getting married again. He knows from bitter experience that a marriage certificate will not keep you together. (I am sure you realize that too.)
In your shoes, given how much you love him, I would just go with it for the time being. Understand he is hurting and is unsettled following his divorce. Agree you are not going to discuss the marriage situation for a couple of years but then you will revisit it and see how/if your feelings have changed. You will (hopefully) have another two years of happiness under your belts at that point and one or both of you may have completely different views to what you have now.
Enjoy being with this lovely man. He is committing to you already in buying a house with you. Appreciate what you have and don't spoil it by yearning for what you can't have. If, a couple of years down the line, he is still adamant he will not remarry, that changes nothing because he will still be with YOU.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): I suspect you're confusing he "doesn't want to marry me" with "he doesn't want to get married," and given how recent his divorce is I can't blame him for being gun-shy about the possibility of unhappy history repeating itself.
If you really love him then give him the time he needs to recover and put his past in perspective. You have plenty of years left and I presume neither one of you is in a rush to have children together.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Who knows what the future may hold? Perhaps you've put the cart before the horse.
It may be pointless to say this, and it may raise a few eyebrows; but speaking to you as an adult, slow down on the rush to the alter. It is far too often women want to go sprinting to the chapel as soon as they meet a nice guy.
The man just ended a bad divorce. He has barely gotten his emotional-bearings if his divorce ended a few months ago.
The reasons for divorces are usually two-sided. He's no saint; and his ex-wife isn't the only one responsible for their failed-marriage. A nasty-divorce is usually a pretty good indicator there was a lot of strife involved.
If she only moved out of their shared-property a few months ago, I am almost certain that matter was probably contentious to the end.
Sorry, but men are not so ready and willing to marry soon after a divorce; unless they were having an ongoing affair which was the very reason for it.
Men are twice as cautious as women in returning to marriage after a divorce; because it is often more difficult for us dealing with the division of assets and property. Especially when child-custody and/or alimony is involved.
We don't see marriage in the blissful/gleeful terms that women do. Unbeknownst to you; he's still licking his wounds. We don't get to openly show our emotions and cry out in the open. We internalize our pain, so it takes longer to heal. That doesn't mean we don't want companionship and sex. Nor does it mean we never want to commit to marriage. You just seem a bit eager, if you really want an honest opinion.
I would also take caution in combining financial obligations with someone who isn't a spouse. The law doesn't protect a girlfriend in the same way as a wife; and you aren't guaranteed to get back what you've invested, if there is an unfortunate and unforeseen split. You'll still be obligated for any debt you co-signed for; even if you don't receive the benefit of occupancy. Maintaining mortgage payments and rent both at the same time is no easy feat. Regardless of your financial status. If you're both wealthy people, I guess you might not feel it.
If he is as honorable as you say, perhaps you should be more considerate; and allow him time for healing and let him to catch his breath. What he says now may change in the near future. If he isn't pressured. It's fight or flee at this point.
Patience also allows more objectivity and clearer thought, because time reveals many hidden details about the person you're so eager to hitch yourself to. You're a little too excited about giving-up your independence. Older-men often flee when pressured too much about marriage. Especially recent divorcees! Generally speaking, that is. Men don't live as long as women, on the average.
A guy ready to get married just a few months after a divorce is usually looking for a live-in housekeeper, maid, and a cook. Are you absolutely sure you're ready to give-up your freedom so easily or so quickly?
Are you certain you didn't gave it enough thought in purchasing a house together? He may not be ready for marriage for another 10 years or more. He deserves a little taste of his freedom and independence. This is from a man's point of view, of course.
I would expect him to get less positive opinions for not being so ready to do it; because guys don't always receive favorable opinions when it comes to our approach and view of commitment. As if being cautious always means a fear of commitment.
I see caution and discernment as wisdom, no matter what your gender is.
Don't let desperation or idealism towards marriage make you too eager. You should really allow this man some time; or you'll be dealing with a ball of uncertain or suppressed emotions, and ex-wife drama. That too, needs a cooling-off period.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Hi there, I can sympathize with your situation! From what you have told us here, I think he is genuinely conflicted about marrying again. On the one hand, he is head over heels in love with you it seems, and that is why the thought of you two being married makes him giddy, him squeezing you, him joking around about it etc. He even asked you about a ring, so I don't believe for one second that he wasn't at least toying with the idea of proposing at some point down the road. But when it actually came down to a serious discussion, he panicked, and realized (or thought he realized) that marriage again wasn't for him. This is somewhat understandable given that he has just come through an ugly divorce! Of course he would be gun-shy after seeing how awfully things can go. I think in this case, it would be wise to give him some more time to process everything, and for you two to continue dating for a while before he has to make a decision one way or another. I think at this point, maybe you just have to hear from him that he is at least open to the possibility of marriage at some point in the future (not any time soon), that he hasn't completely closed his mind to that forever. You could raise it again gently. Personal story: I had a similar situation to yours, in that I was with a man who had come through an awful divorce, and like your man, he gave completely mixed signals, joking about us getting engaged, enjoying when people called me his wife, etc. Just like you, I was surprised one day when he told me that although he was head over heels in love with me, he wasn't sure if he would be able to enter into a marriage relationship again, as he was scared of what could go wrong! Well, that was during the first year of dating, fast forward a couple of years and he now says he definitely wants to marry me, so we are saving up, etc. Neither of us actually wants to get engaged quite yet, but it is in the works. So I guess my advice is this: if you are not in a rush for any particular reason (and in your 50s you presumably don't have to worry about trying to have kids!) Give it time!!! See how things develop. Sometimes it takes men a long time to fully trust again. However, if he seems DEADSET against even the possibility of marriage down the road... then you will really have to consider if this is for you. Ask him why he says he "doesn't believe in marriage anymore"- is it that he thinks people can't be faithful to each other? IF he is able to believe in love again, even if it is with a different woman, then by extension he should be able to believe in marriage again!I think you will end up feeling resentful if he never wants to make you "official". If, after another year he still feels the same way, I would consider leaving.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 February 2017):
 1. Accept his decision not to marry me, even though it is the total opposite of what I would love.
------------------------
TO answer the first question all I can say is, if you WANT TO BE WITH him, you have no choice but to accept it. Doesn't mean you have to like it but you are right you CAN NOT change his mind.
----
2. Learn to live with the knowledge that the man I love does not want to marry me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Personally, I don't think marriage is ONLY about love. I think people can be VERY happy together NOT being married - BUT only if BOTH parties are OK with this. Just like you are OK with HIM having HIs opinion and standard - SO should YOU be allowed to have an opinion and standard and if MARRIAGE is part of that FOR you - maybe despite ALL his other great qualities he isn't fulfilling ALL your needs.
-----
3. Accept that, although he does not want to marry me, he loved someone else in the past enough to marry her.
-----------------------
Well, SHE is the reason he doesn't want to marry EVER again, NOT you. So this isn't about YOU not being "good enough" to marry but HIM carrying around BAGGAGE from his previous marriage. I think it's unfair that he LUMPS all women into this trust issue he had with ONE woman, his ex-wife. BUT I also understand people who have had a failed marriage that ended BADLY to not want to DO that again. After all, if you put your hand on the stovetop burner and got 1st-degree burns I'm pretty sure you'd NEVER do that again either. For him, the breakdown of the marriage and the divorce is not a physical burn BUT an emotional one, and honestly? I don't think he is all the way done processing it.
So before you MOVE in with him you HAVE to be 100% certain you WANT to do this with a guy who doesn't WANT what you want.
And BEFORE you two buy a house together you NEED to draw up a LEGAL document in case you two break up and need to sell the house. YOU have to be practical about that. About ALL finances and obligation, you MIGHT choose to share with him without the legal "bond" of marriage.
...............................
|
