A
female
age
36-40,
*eeling_bad
writes:4 yrs ago I was dating a guy named Jay, we had a great relationship and we loved each other very much. We ended up breaking up because I was moving across country for work. We kept in touch and remained friends. During the next few yrs he went through a rough patch and ended up with a drug problem. During this time he met Jen, she stood by him through addiction and they started dating. He has been clean from over 18 months now. Around 6 months ago I moved back to my home town and we met up for luch, the moment we seen each other all the feelings and emotions all came back. Several times over the last 6 months we have been together, each time he tells me that he feels that he owes himself to Jen since she was the one that helped him get clean and stood by him. Yet he wake up in the middle of the nigth and call me just to hear my voice. I know what we are doing is wrong but at the same time it feels right because I know we both love each other. Sunday morning he showed up at my door in tears telling me he couldn't be apart from me any longer and that he loved me. I know alot of people will think if he loves me he should just leave Jen, but I kinda see where he is comign from. But at the same time I am so confused, how do I tell him that he nneds to end things with her, and how can he do it with out hurting her. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2009):
You tell him straight that he needs to end things with her. As for not hurting her, it will hurt. But keep it short, calm and controlled. And cease all contact afterwards. That way, she won't be under the impression that he'll come back and will be able to move on.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 It would be near-impossible to tell you how he could end things with Jen.
It seems so clear to me that she has a great deal of emotional energy invested in Jay. And its very likely that she loves him deeply. Its very hard to imagine someone devoting herself to a man with a drug problem and suffering all the emotional setbacks and pain that accompanies that affliction.
If he breaks up with her, no matter what you think, she will be denied his love and that will leave her deeply hurt and emotionally wounded.
If he leaves her for you, there will be resentment in him if you break up with him again for any reason in the future.
Therefore his decision to break up with Jen should be reached independently of whether you have suddenly reappeared in his life at this stage.
Just looking at it from this perspective, if he's staying with her because he thinks he owes her, then he never loved her, or he didn't love her enough other than out of what he believes to be obligation.
The real issue is do you want a man who will break up with a woman who took care of him and helped heal him in a time of need? Just so he can be with you?
The best course is that he has to decide whether he in fact does love Jen, and to what extent.
He may say he "owes" her, but if he loves her deeply and you too, then he will hurt her and himself.
So the real bottom line answer here is that if he does break up with Jen, it should not be because of you're reappearing in his life. Had he wanted to be with you when you relocated 4 years ago, if he loved you that much; he would've followed to be with you wherever you were. He chose to stay behind. And so he accrued a drug addiction and met Jen in the process.
At the very least, it takes a strong yet gentle soul do care for someone like him in that condition. I doubt very much he can break up with her without hurting her deeply.
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