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*heArtistformerlyknownasChris
writes:...I M a 38 year Caucasian old heterosexual male completely inexperienced with relationships. Not only a virgin, I have never been been in a relationship or even DATE depending on the definition of 'date'? Significantly introverted, in fact I was born with autistic tendencies, albeit the high-functioning type. I did not grow up with a mother or female figure in my life either! Socially awkward in adolescence, I have SURPRISINGLY blossomed into a very successful, professional, athletic, fashionable, spiritual NOT religious, educated and handsome person, the latter comprising a dramatic transition I've had some trouble comprehending and adjusting to. I have read many books and obtained knowledge on 'pickup' but M usually fearful to converse at all with ANYONE. I do get looks from women the rare times I M courageous enough 2 go out, maybe once every four months, obviously alone, cause I have no friends! However, the only environment I feel comfortable R the strip clubs. There I find beauty and younger model-type ebony women which I M most attracted 2, obviously friendly, uninhibited and easier 4 me 2 converse with when compared to other venues which could B brutal. I M not very social at all! I do get several lap dances there when I find someone appealing. These R the wildest u could imagine and quite enjoyable! I know what you're thinking but I never spend much and at these clubs. I believe this environment fulfills my fantasy of impersonal/short term relations. I would just like it 2 escalate to sex. On several occasions this fantasy has nearly become a realization. Several dancers I've met there have hung out with me all night asking me 2 go clubbing. It's not like I M spending or intending to spend any money on them. In fact, they've been the one's getting me into clubs. Sometimes they've wanted me 2 get a room. But I defer, only escalating foreplay, concerned about what they may think when they notice my inexperience. It's not like u can get a class on how to have great sex. Should i get an escort 2 really learn how to make love? I'm talking in the physical and literal sense. I don't care about the feelings at all as long as there is physical attraction. These R my thoughts now when it comes to relations. I M sincerely interested in hearing comments! This is a very educated group. I've read some of the posts! Just so you know, I did go through 3 1/2 years of counseling with three different psychotherapists in the middle 90's. Overall, I felt it was a worthless experience and a complete waste of my time. How could one find a good sexologist or intimacy counselor if they needed? I have some skepticism and bad experiences with it all. I've been very forthright with you.
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male
reader, theArtistformerlyknownasChris +, writes (24 April 2009):
theArtistformerlyknownasChris is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks All & I get the 'gist!'
I NEED 2 GET OUT SUBSTANTIALLY MORE starting next Thursday as I'm tired & lost about 12 hours of sleep this week thinking about all this and reading! There will B sacrifices as I work about 90-100 hours weekly but this comes at a time when the self confidence is at its highest!
I M in pursuit of physical intimacy which could best B reciprocated in the development of a relationship consisting of friendship and trust but 4 me it might B best 2 take it slow such that this 'girlfriend' can understand me. That has the best potential of providing the best mutual experience as I don't want 2 B the only one getting off because that would B 1/2 of the love making experience only! Removed also is my misconception that sex happens always & quickly.
I will not pursue an escort because it won't B a 'REAL' experience but perhaps more of an act. However, If an escort pursues me, as as happened before, and if I'm physically attracted 2 her we shall converse such that I can make a decision. The only way it would B pleasurable 4 me if it TRULY wold B an honor 4 her being my first. I am also concerned about myself developing an emotional attachment in my limited experience...'the wind in my sail only if it's blowing.'
I M going use 'canned-type material' unless something spontaneous comes 2 me. This type of small talk is quite unusual 4 me and brings me down 2 earth. it probable makes me relatable! This is an illogical game. In the rest of the animal kingdom courting is much simpler. But I M well read at this time!
Strip Clubs I will still go 2 but begin 2 phase out as my experiences build. It''s an easy place 2 at least practice 'negs.' It will B unlikely 2 develop physical intimacy there as the process 2 reciprocation is potentially more challenging.
I will close by saying people have not understood my attachment 2 exotic dancers but I M eternally indebted 2 them. No matter how much therapy, reading, schooling, the first time I could ever feel my body through the thick shield around it...the first time I ever cried and realized I had feelings was at age 26. Ironically the time I started going 2 these clubs? The sensuality and unique atmosphere of this venue is what brought me out of my shell and set me free allowing me to experience emotions I hadn't before!
Thank U all. We'll close this topic now. I will have more questions especially as my experiences expand? If u R aware of any site like this for higher functioning Aspergers syndrome I would B interested as I'm a 'piece of work.'
..and to allay 'Who's concerns, I'm only attracted to black women. I view this more of an informative counseling/teaching site I stumbled around 2.
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reader, Who +, writes (23 April 2009):
 OK first I did not read all the posts here, but I’m going to leap without looking anyway and say:
theArtistformerlyknownasChris? You have put enough effort into typing your questions/situation on this site. You need to redirect that energy to meeting and getting to know real woman in the real world.
If you believe you just have to keep asking long enough to have someone give you advice that will magically get you a girlfriend without you have to do anything or without getting rejected a few times, that is not going to happen.
If you believe a woman on this site will suddenly send you a message saying you are exactly the man she has been dreaming about, and would you please, please let her move in with you right now so she can be your girlfriend, that is not going to happen either.
You don’t have to believe or like anything I say; it is a free country and you are a grown man.
You have gotten lots of advice on how to get experience and confidence with escorts on the end-game. I believe you also need to work on the opening move, on how to say “Hi” to a woman and start a conversation.
Like a lot of things, you can start small. In the check-out line of the supermarket, keep a blank look on your face. When the cashier looks at you, give her a small smile and see if you can get her to smile back. When you can get strange woman to smile when they look at you, that’s the first step. Next step, say “Hi”, “Hello”, “Good morning”, etc. When she says Hi back, and something else, see if you can answer her in a friendly manner. If she gets stiff and looks uncomfortable, you said the wrong thing. Remember that and try something different next time.
Examples:
Cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
You: “Well, I did not find the secret of life, but I found everything else.”
Cashier: “Lovely weather we are having”
You: “Yes, but that’s only because I have to work late today. Would you like good weather tomorrow? If so I’ll work late again.”
Anyway, you are not trying to pick up the cashier, just get her to laugh and talk back to you. Get 3 or 4 exchanges in a nice conversation and then pick up your packages and leave.
After that goes well a few times, YOU start the conversation after she says Hi. Like if paying with an ATM card and you have to swipe again, say “Technology is not working for us.” Or if it is February 15 say “See you have Valentine’s Day decoration up. Is that coming soon?” When she says it was yesterday, say “Really? I missed it again? That would explain why I had to sleep on the coach last night.” Or maybe” Miss? May I ask you a question? Do you think I should get this can of oven cleaner or the lemon scented one? It is for my wife, for a 10 anniversary present.”
Try it will all the strange women you have exchanges with during the day.
After you get used to this, and used to the few rejections you get, try it with a woman who is not expecting you to talk to her. Like the woman behind you in line. Or the one that comes up to look at the same painting you are looking at the museum. Pairs or groups of woman may be better; they may feel more secure.
Get this to work a few times and the next step is woman at traditional meet-a-guy locations (bars, activity groups, phone and internet chat, etc.)
It is kind of like the opening move in a chess game. You should have several lines ready to go, and have some idea what SHE might say in response, so you can have your next line ready. You need to be ready for a variety of come backs from her; you don’t want to be shocked is she advanced her knight instead of a pawn, so to speak.
Once through the first 3 or 4 exchanges, it will be clear to you where to go next.
You can Google “Temple Grandin Autism” for more tips on conversation (although not specifically romantic ones.)
Again it is a free county and you are old enough to make up your own mind and believe what you want.
Good luck.
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reader, theArtistformerlyknownasChris +, writes (23 April 2009):
theArtistformerlyknownasChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese discussions suggest two mutually exclusive pathways yet only one which fosters physical intimacy. it appears then that SEX is more emotionally expressive then I would've thought. If so, it could equally B traumatic 7 regretful leaving one emptier. An escort experience could B educational 4 me but I don't know if it would B fun. It sound as if there likely would B no reciprocation, merely an act...
'Making love is an emotional connection that crosses into an expression of physical intimacy. That is something u can only share with somebody u fall in love with."
Can love B attained without going thru the 'risks of rejection?' I'm prepared, studied my playbook 4 the field but the looming prospects of rejection cause me never 2 begin. There's a lot of cruelness out there u know! I'd benefit from a wing. that's what they do nowadays! But it's not like u can rent a wing!
I will say though some of my limited most interesting outings have been on several occasions when an exotic dancer brings me clubbing with her into the night time hours. I'm treated like a king by ALL the guys & gals in the club, buying me drinks, only because I'm with this gorgeous dancer who I don't even really know. we were holding hands. Of course after awhile the feeling dissipates, I figure due 2 my social awkwardness or not knowing how 2 kiss. I've had a great time--best day of my life--but then it's game over!!!
That's one thing about strip clubs--not much rejection possibilities in the actual club. Always some attractive women there, occasionally some good people, perhaps some trust can be developed with familiarity--that's my limited women experience!
What R the prospects of me finding physical intimacy then in that venue--my absolute comfort zone...and I usually spend about $100 or so there! Imagine If I spent $1000. And if not there, then where 4 me? I go 2 the grocery store, Barnes & Nobel, don't want 2 go 2 church...rarely do I C anyone I'm attracted 2 at these venues. In fact, it makes me proud I'm alone. II M a gym fanatic but 2 shy 2 speak with anyone there. I don't even talk 2 the males!
I'm very particular about body and attractiveness. And yes, the internet porn has probably warped my mind a little about fantasy but then again while SEVERELY inexperienced I am highly successful, multiple degrees, snazzy dresser, a lot of italian imported clothes with looks and physique that can attract many I would B interested in. If it wasn't 4 these attributes I have worked on and cultivated I would never attempt 2 pursue this Holy Grail. Of course, I never say a word so 'that wonderful feeling of entering a room only lasts a few minutes...then I would go 2 another club...then another...and pretty soon my legs get tired. Hence I don't really care 4 clubs 2 much either!
Thank U! I'm processing this diverse panels thoughts...don't know the path I'm headed yet!
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reader, theArtistformerlyknownasChris +, writes (22 April 2009):
theArtistformerlyknownasChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA valid point is I've never had a girlfriend or even been on a date depending on what ones definition of date is. I've always viewed friendships, phone calls mostly as distractions & I've achieved much success in life by not having those distractions. In the majority of environments women, especially attractive women appear in groups. Friends date friends that type of scenario. People who R not socially involved, that is 2 say people who don't have friends, have not had an interest in having friends, obviously will encounter roadblocks as I have.
While I'm 38 I believe my actual social relationship skills R closer to a middle teenager. Mildly autistic people can B like that. I would feel much more comfortable at a club writing notes and handing them to girls as I can articulate thoughts better in writing or encrypting a message in a song I compose. C how I could freak people out! Memorizing gambits has provided me with the ability to have conversations at clubs, unlike strip clubs, where people don't necessarily approach me.
When u say just get a girlfriend, to me that's the hardest thing in the world although I really do truly yearn 4 one. I DON"T KNOW HOW 2 GET A GIRLFRIEND!!! This is a process often where friends introduce friends, or introductions at social gatherings, mutual friends, phone calls, which lead to courting, meeting her parents, buying gifts, spending lots of time in such close proximity. No of that's remotely interesting 2 me. I've actually spent every holiday the last six years alone. Although I have family many miles away I prefer being alone on holidays and they understand this in me. I'm not at all lonely. I'm an extreme introvert and high functioning and creative individual. I was born this way!
I'm a happy person but not completely I've come to realize in the past several years only. I'm completely new 2 the concept of relation. Ideally I would like 2 have a acquaintance with a beautiful women who is sensual and loving but a long term relation would only work with someone who displays patience and understanding. Most people R fearful of what they can't understand. And it does hurt me when people reject me in the past because I am different. I was born this way....but I've come a long way. My looks & success hopefully can compensate 4 my social anxiety and awkwardness.
Hence it would B a lot easier 4 me 2 structure an encounter but that wouldn't B my first choice. I'd love 2 have a girlfriend who I find attractive! HOW?
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reader, enjoimx +, writes (22 April 2009):
 So he says "I havent been able to find a girlfriend all my life (because I dont have sexual confidence) and you reply with "Please find a girlfriend to gain sexual confidence"
Doesnt make sense. I would still recommend the escort, someone classy, high priced, let them know your situation.
And if you want the play book, read "Rules of the Game" ...much better than Mystery's method IMHO because mystery, as you will find out, ended up pretty sad, depressed and suicidal while Neill Strauss is successfull, and probably somewhat happy and sane. He keeps it all in perspective, mystery is chauvenistic and sociopathic.
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reader, theArtistformerlyknownasChris +, writes (22 April 2009):
theArtistformerlyknownasChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately there R NO sexologists around the Deep South!!! It is THE hurdle I need 2 get over first. So many other things otherwise working in my favor including success, style and looks. If there was a school where they would teach me how 2 kiss, fondle, make passionate love and fuck I would enroll! Ideally it would B performed passionately. If I had inside research regarding escort services and recommendations with confirmation negative STD's that could B a consideration. Especially if the particular selection would consider it an honor with no embarrassment breaking me in. It's bound 2 B pretty awkward 4 both of us! Option #2 would B over the course of several months observing, finding the right exotic dancer 4 me. In my experiences the familiarity establishes trust which has the potentially of creating a more passionate encounter at least that's what I would hope 4. Although I haven't been out 4 five months many are familiar with me. I really like the art of tease at the strip clubs!I will be staying at high end hotels in late July at a conference in New Orleans. My concerns, being a professional, would this constitute prostitution. How to ask a dancer or find such a reputable dancer in a escort service. Craig's list is getting some bad rapport lately! Finally, assurance of no STD's because that would make this a BAD DEAL! Thanks 4 ALL your help!
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reader, theArtistformerlyknownasChris +, writes (22 April 2009):
theArtistformerlyknownasChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have not read 'The Game' as I have heard it was more autobiographical when I'm looking more 4 the playbook. A Godsend has been the 'Mystery Method' DVD -I've memorized--from 'The Pickup Artist' on VH1. Retrospectively, my handful of successes in the social realm have been when incorporating some of these aspects, even when I don't realize it, such as using 'negs' my 'over-the top style & usage preset script of lines. I'm highly educated so this kind of shallow talk euphemistically brings me down 2 earth while alleviating SOME of my severe social phobias. I do think it is a bit shallow and demeaning to women in a sense but, then again, it's a vicious & competitive game out there.
Still my only social clubbing comfort zone is in the strip clubs. They R non-threatening & I usually find 1 or 2 women I am attracted 2. I use those lines there and once things escalated 2 quick 4 me. That is, my playbook ran out & I'm not good at audibles! I'm thinking that may provide a better venue 4 me over the course of several months 'painting a better picture' of the dancer rather than an escort. In my experiences the familiarity and trust developed gets me a much better dances. When I have a dance I ensure I am completely aroused and it catches them off guard and they ride me: it's a blast! A dancer I become more familiar with then may provide a bit more passion in an encounter rather than a complete stranger. I Do think that foreplay is important in addition to the emotions. I would B more comfortable if she were drunk when I get 2 the point of exploring anatomy though. Natural concerns would be determination of STD's prior. Can/do escort services provide that information? How could I honestly deduce that information from a dancer who may B of interest?
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reader, NightLad  +, writes (22 April 2009):
 I neglected to mention; You can find a good directory of licensed Sex Therapists and counsellors here:
American Association of Sexuality Educators Councelors and Therapists
http://www.aasect.org/
Thanks satindesire, I always enjoy your insightful posts.
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reader, NightLad +, writes (21 April 2009):
Hi there,I come from a slightly different perspective. I happen to know a few escorts, and from what they’ve related they consider it almost an honour to be a guy’s first sexual experience.Of course, you have to get the right type of escort. If you just go out trolling the strip joints or streets, all you will pick up is an STD. No, I suggest you save your nickels and dimes and phone a high class service, where you can explain your situation and get a girl sympathetic and experienced in helping men in your position. You are far from being alone and they will know how to treat you.The only reason I suggest this is because I’ve interpreted a different goal behind your posts. I get the feeling that you believe once you get past that first 'hurtle,' your confidence and self-assuredness when dealing with relationships and sexual situations will be stronger.You know, men from all walks of life have also experienced the same issue and turned to a professional to help them out of their shell. It isn’t something spoken about in polite company, but it is a fact. Personally I’ve known several perfectly average guys in College who turned to an escort for the same reason. After they got the ‘wind in their sails’ they went on to have regular healthy relationships. Perhaps there is a different psychology between men and women in view to sex, but I’ll leave that question to the experts.satindesire made several excellent points worth repeating; an escort can help you experience sex (perhaps even teach you a thing or two about it), but they can’t “make love” with you.Making love is an emotional connection that crosses into an expression of physical intimacy. That is something you can only share with somebody you fall in love with. Do not think about falling in love or starting a real relationship with an escort. If you do decide to go visit an escort, keep a clear idea of why you are there.If you chose to have your first experience with an escort as opposed to pursuing a romantic relationship, than here are a few rules to keep in mind:Be clean, groom yourself (shower/shave, fingernails, toenails, nose hair, etc).Be on time, if you are going to her place.Be patient, don’t kick the door down.Be polite, she is a person first and foremost.Be respectful, she will give what she gets.Be generous, tipping is not optional! ;)
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reader, enjoimx +, writes (21 April 2009):
First off, congratulations on your excellent success and overcoming challenges in soo many areas of your life despite your mental ailment...that is highly commendable and I can ASSURE you you will also overcome this sex/relationship issue if you face it head on on work it out!!Your not going to have great sex the first time, its going to be very akward considering your current situation, and the fact that sex is very akward the first time ANYWAY, for Everyone!So yeah, if you have no moral problems with getting a nice clean, classy escort...why not? It will give you a fair amount of experience and confidence with sex. I personally can recommend an escort because I believe these women are capable of making their own decisions...I am a feminist so to speak and I believe that women have as much power and control over their lives as men do, so let them do whatever they want...how is it demeaning?Have you read The Game by Neill Strauss ? It will change your life!
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reader, theArtistformerlyknownasChris +, writes (21 April 2009):
theArtistformerlyknownasChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you 4 the EXCELLENT pearls. The problem I'm confronting though is that a sexually inexperienced male is a turn off 4 most females. My impression is that a potential willing partner or girl friend would likely 'jump ship' if an open discussion in the process of building a relation reveals sexual inexperience as that yields a vulnerable display of lack of confidence. Such a discussion hence would likely impede me from getting my 'foot in the door.' In fact this has happened to me in that club venue aforementioned.
I think just the opposite is true. But then again, what do I know? Seriously! In order 2 GET the female 1 has 2 appear overly chauvinistic, macho, in control and hope that they convey that they know what they are doing! This is a brutal and unforgiving society u know! Can one actually fake it until they make it??? My concern is that women R very intuitive: they can probably C my cards before I play them!
I'm going 2 need some input from, u my newest friend, as I proceed down this journey 4 which I'm a bit fearful coupled with my social phobias.
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