A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have come to terms with being a bisexual, maybe even lesbian if the future remains this way. This all started when my very close friend and flatmate told me she loved me and threw me into a whirlwind of questions. After a month of separation and thinking about things, I realized I couldn't deny how much I loved her and that the connection we have is like no other. We are emotionally glued to one another.It has been just over a year of being girlfriends, and this has been rocky- both because it is scary any new, and because sex has been confusing. She let me know early on that she is afraid of sex (we are both male-penetrative virgins), and I took this in my stride to go slowly, but what I really wanted was to be the one that helped her open up, and learn that sex is actually amazing. My personal belief of sex is just an inherent knowledge, having known my body's desires since I was about 9- i.e. masturbation is easy,private, and natural. We got to the point of manual, and she would give me oral, but freaked if I tried to go near her to reciprocate. So I respect that, and I never would unless she said maybe I should try. It never happened, or got so far as her okaying it. Now, we haven't done anything sexual for a long time, and I'm ok with this (I am used to being privately self-sufficient). But then for the past week she only slept in my bed once. We have both been incredibly busy for the week, so when it finally came saturday that I was looking forward to just being together, snuggling and talking and kissing each other goodnight to wake up to one another, I went to sleep in her room and immediately felt my unwanted presence. She then turned to me and told me, she hates sex. Hates the thought of it, doesn't appreciate the feeling, finds it intrusive on her mind and her genitals, which in her mind are revolting and useless. She says she has never had a sex drive all this time, and she never wants to have sex. She says she avoids sleeping with me because she feels there is obligation that sexual activities have to ensue after kissing a certain time. I told her that that was not the case, that while admitting I have a large sex drive, it isn't something I expect to be catered for; although when we did have sex it was the most intimate and freeing thing, to share with her. I don't know whether the physical is something so important to me that we cannot be girlfriends without it. I think that I can have a relationship without sex, but I can't come to terms with us being a 'relationship'. therefore exclusive (not that either of us are promiscuous or inclined to find meaningless others to escape), but having nothing physical.Is it possible to have a no-sex lesbian relationship work? I enjoy kissing, we have slowly become more open with public gestures together, and if anything I see a relationship (over a friendship) as both wanting to sleep together. Sleeping together is, the divider in my mind of friendship and a relationship. After reconciling our weekend of tears and exhaustion and emotional intensity exerted in reaching a common understanding of how we can continue and not lose each other, she slept in my bed. Then when I saw her today, she said she slept terribly because I snored loudly and was in such a deep sleep I would sleep jump and slightly kick her. I feel guilty as heck, and angry at myself that my very presence in the same bed is still a burden.I love her immensely, and am in constant awe that I have this amazing emotional connection and such a deep sharing of each other. But I am also embarrassed that I ever 'put her through' the revolting act of sex, and I feel useless that even on this 'no sex' relationship turn, I can't even make her happy. We live in the same house with other flatmates, and we have been friends for 4 years now. I just don't know, how can I make this purely emotional relationship with innocent physical connection continue? If we were to 'break up', in my mind it is too hard and too easy for her getting what she wants if we go back to just being 'friends'- who tell each other everything, know each other inside out, and who have this (now embarrassing) history together. I cannot ever see her not being in my life.I have never had a relationship before this, and have always known that I am not the type who needs relationships; I don't see 'getting out of this' as anything particularly great in that I could jump ship to another person. We are both 22.Any bi- females, or lesbian females who have some advice on how I can come to terms with 'being girlfriends' as distinguished from just 'friends', and how it can work not having sex, I would be so incredibly grateful to hear.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 March 2013):
Hi there. It is difficult to know without doubt that you are either bisexual or homosexual - or straight.
And the reason I say this, is that you have never had a relationship at all.
And no relationship with a man, so how can you say this so inconclusively?
It's just not possible to know this, beyond all doubt, is it?
Are you making this conclusion, because you have not been sexually attracted to a man, before now?
Is it possible, that you are really good friends with this woman, and may be confusing your feelings for being homosexual feelings towards her?
Two people of the same sex, can get along like a house on fire, and know each other really really well, and be like sisters - or brothers.
She may be uncomfortable about the sex part, because she has never been with a man before meeting you.
And so she has nothing to compare the experience with.
It's also possible, that she just might not be sure at all, of her own true sexuality.
Because, until you try something, you really don't know how it will make you feel.
This may have something to do with her rejection of sex or oral sex with you.
She may have been thinking of it, as purely experimentation and to see out of curiosity, whether it was for her, or not.
And maybe, just maybe, it isn't what she sees for herself in the longterm of her life.
It seems that she has some doubts, and perhaps you do also.
When she says that she has never had a sex drive, it could be that she just hasn't been in the right situation to find it.
It's possible.
It could be that more experimentation is needed - for both of you.
It's not possible to say you are gay or straight or bi, until you have experienced lovemaking with a man.
And really, it's the only way you will ever know for sure.
And don't you want to know this?
It will at least shed some light on a situation, that does not seem very clear to you right now.
It is certainly worth considering, at the very least.
And should you decide after experimenting with a man that you like, that you are in fact gay, and you find that your female friend still feels the same as she does not - does not particularly like sex - well then you will only ever be able to remain friends, and there will always be that feeling for you, that something is missing.
Most relationships surive better, when there is that special physical sharing - making love - that really enriches the relationship, and does bind you together in a strong emotional connection.
I feel that should you eventually realize that you are definitely gay, that if nothing changes between you and this other female friend, that it will soon come to a point where just being emotionally close, WILL NOT be enough for you.
There will need to be more.
And that will be decision time for you.
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