A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My boyfriend and I were inseperable for 3 years before I went away for a couple months. We had some problems in the relationship I left, but the time away really gave me a new persepective on my relationship with him and I came back with a plan to show him more gratitude and appreciation for the efforts he had made. When I returned, he broke up with me. Worst yet, I found out a couple weeks later that he started seeing someone else immediately after we broke up. Despite our issues, we were each other's best friends. I now have my doubts that he is really with this new person for the right reasons, not that I wish to tell him that. Can someone really move on that quickly? I had to do some major grieving, but I'm not sure that he did. If there is anyone who has been in a similar situation on either side who could help me understand, I'd greatly appreciate it!
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (27 September 2008):
 I wonder. Just as it's possible to make a commitment "to" someone, it's also possible to make a commitment "away" from someone. If you decide to devote all your love and energy to one person, the feeling between you grows and the relationship flourishes. If you change the object of your affections, then all the energy that previously went into the earlier person is now channelled completely into the new person.
Along with the change in commitment is a redirection of energies and probably a lot of rationalisations that go with it (like "this is the girl for me, everything is perfect" suddenly becomes "it wasn't right after all, this new one is really the girl for me"). I suspect that some people are able to redirect the flow of feelings quite easily, especially when starting something new and fresh, or when a firm decision has been made. If for whatever reason you've decided in your heart against the previous person, there is no use in hanging onto the relationship. You may be sorry, but you know that it's just no use trying to carry on. So it's possible to drop the previous person like a hot potato and move on to something that suits you better. For the person being left, however, the sudden cutting off of feeling is much harder to bear.
I'm not particularly capable of dropping people like hot potatoes, as I've found out to my cost. If I could do it, I could save myself a lot of misery. After all, the best way to leave a person is make a clean break, so that they can get over you. If you leave the door open out of sentimental or other reasons, it only prolongs the agony. And you could end up going back to a relationship that you would be better out of in the long run.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): Hey -- I had a similar situation. I was with my now ex for 3 years. He broke it off with me (I didn't get along with his family, plus he wanted to live with me before marriage which is a big no-no for me). I found out from him that he is dating a girl, after 3 since our break-up. I did A LOT of crying. But I realized when he spoke to me that he still had feeling for me as he reminded me of the good times we had together. I'm soo confused.
...............................
A
female
reader, jeez  +, writes (3 September 2008):
I had the same experience as you did (best friends, being inseparable and all) though not exactly the same. I'm still grieving but somebody told me to just move on with my life since he has already gone away. Maybe its the distance that drove him to look for another. And you said there were problems in your relationship and then you went away. It's really the distance that did you. In my case, the first few days after he left, he was still calling and emailing but after a few months he just suddenly stopped, and it still is up to now, as if he had dropped out from the face of the earth, thus, an indication that he might have moved on too.Distance does have a lot of disadvantages in relationships. I'm sure your boyfriend has moved on since he has openly started a new relationship. Just move on, girl. Take all the time to grieve. It's painful really but it'll heal with time.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (3 September 2008):
 Quite often men move on very quick, sometimes women do too. But ive definately noticed it in men more.
My ex was telling me he loved me just over a week ago. Now he is loved up with some youngster big time and ive had to block him on my phone due to abusive txt he was sending.
Ive got my own theory on that kind of thing, and you probably wont like it.
But my theory is they weren't actually 'in love' in the first place. Hence the moving on so quick. If you have just split from someome you genuinely loved, you would find it near on impossible to get with someone else that quick. There is a grieving process. Its just one of the symptoms of that ol thing called love!
C xxxxx
...............................
|
