A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok. I have a question about family. So I am sitting at my nieces bday party. Once again the subject of health comes about. I have health prob related to my being overweight. Once again I hear advice from those "well meaning" family members about proper nutrition and how I need to lose weight and what my plans are for weight loss, etc.Well when is it enough. I am so sick of being criticized for my weight. It's one thing to comment, but to go on and on about it. I keep telling my family I am working on it hoping to end the conversation, then I hear comments like, "well what are u doing or why haven't you lost already some weight"What is a tactful way to handle this? I know they mean well, but I am so sick of feeling guilty for eating a donut in front of them.
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female
reader, baby-blue-eyes  +, writes (11 October 2011):
i can totally understand where your mom is coming from im a type 1 diabetic which is normally diagnosed in early childhood and thought to be genetic. its a horrible life to live i do up to 6 injections a day and test about 10 times as well i have to constantly be aware of my symptoms of hypos because i tend to get very argumentative and do stupid things etc type 2 diabetes is a disease that progresses over time to the point most type 2 diabetics end up on injections and basically living the same life as i am right now. if i had had any chance of avoiding this horrible horrible disease i would of taken it with both hands and never let go even if it meant having a restricted diet. personally i never diet i find telling myself that i cant eat things just makes me do the opposite. instead i try to moderate what i eat or counteract it like if i have a chocolate bar at lunch ill do a bit of light exercise ( i would normally do more exercise but cant at the moment due to an accident) or i reduce my portion size and after a while it starts to be a habit to eat smaller portions. why not take your kid out and play with them? something even as simple as taking a walk will help you lose weight and set your kid up on the right path for life as well. i was exactly the same before my accident i loved to eat and overate too much and i got put on a drug called metformin which reduced my appetite loads and then went through depression as well and basically stopped eating although i dont recommend getting depression i would suggest you talk to your doctor about weight loss drugs. also id suggest starting a group like weight watchers as its easier when youve got a plan to follow and a group to support you. yes i know i seem unsympathetic but ive been through this and ive had all the hurtful comments thrown me ( and teenagers are ten times worse than any adult) and yes they really hurt but looking back now i know i was making excuses for my weight nad honestly i would of loved to be in your posistion and have the chance to avoid getting diabetes
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
 It sounds like you are an emotional eater. Find out how to tackle that particular issue. I love food too, in a big way. I just learned that I couldn't eat everything I wanted. And some foods are just bad for you....
I used a simple app that tracked calories in and calories burned. That kept me honest and forced me to work on portion control.
You can have the foods you love (yes, even donuts) but you have to be cognizant that you can't eat massive quantities of them.
You have to make your own health a priority. You DESERVE to take care of yourself. Put that above everything else but taking care of your child.
And then you can tell them, honestly, that you ARE making progress on your health goals.
"Mom, Sis, I love you dearly but this conversation is one that we have had before and it does the absolute opposite of helping me. I react really negatively to this type of criticism and in fact I will probably wind up overeating. If you truly want to help me, don't have donuts out when I come over and be supportive and kind to me. I'm exhausted by my job and caring for my child and the last thing I need is to be needled and harassed about something that has crept up on me over time. I won't be able to change this overnight. I know you mean well but this frankly is hurtful and makes me very unhappy. I love you. Please find another way to help me, other than bringing up my weight all the time. Deal?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone who has responded. I know they mean well but it gets so annoying after a while. My mom's a big critic, but after being diagnosed herself w diabetes (and she is thin, always has been) I can understand her worries. I am about 90 pounds overweight and have been diagnosed with metabolic syndrome. I want to lose the weight but it's so hard as I love to eat and as a single mom w a full time job it's kinda hard to find time to exercise. Last year I started a diet, but then my older sister and I got into it and the fat comments came out and I went home and stuffed my face (I know I shouldn't have done that).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): I've been in this situation as well, sometimes it was well meaning, but a lot of the time it was basically an insult digusised as 'concern'. I've tried coping with it with every means, thankful and respectful, sarcasm, humour, getting upset, getting angry, insulting them back and nothing worked in the long term, I'm afraid. that's not much help to you, but you are not alone in experiencing this. I suggest you try and block out external comments as much as possible, and focus on your own health and happiness and getting to the weight that you want, for the right reasons, not because of what your family thinks. Alot of families are nosey and gossipy like this, they can't help themselves.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2011):
 As a person who used to weigh nearly 300 pounds and didn't want to hear it from family friends etc... I get how you feel. EVEN if you are not doing anything to lose weight you will tell them such to get them off your back.
AND I know that whole delude yourself into thinking you are doing something... I did for the longest time. I dieted. I walked what I could (although with a BMI of nearly 50 it was hard)... I tried yoga etc... I watched what I ate.. And yet I never could get below 200 pounds...
I am older than you and at 30 something being SMO (super morbidly obese) my health was not too bad. after 40 and SMO it got horrid. So if you have problems now that are weight related as you age they will probably get worse.
I had gastric bypass and lost more than I currently weight (over 140 pounds) from my heaviest. that was 2 years ago. All my health issues (blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose (diabetes) are all normal now. My knees don't hurt so much any more.... losing the weight really really helped.
I know that's now what you want to hear but it's what I need to say first. Just so you consider all your options.
That being said you can use the "broken record" technique with the folks you do not want to talk to about this. It will anger some of them but you have to determine who it is that you want more upset, them or you.
The response to their questions is always the same:
"I appreciate your concern and know you say this out of love but my health and diet are between my doctor and myself. I am not going to discuss this further."
and that's ALL YOU say to their questions. EVERY time. IT will not take more than a few times of this for them to realize they are not getting anywhere with you." They may get angry. You need to keep your cool with them.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 October 2011):
I too was overweight by 40 lbs. How overweight are you? Twenty? Forty? Sixty? A hundred? More than a hundred? Because that does matter in this. If you are morbidly obese, there should not be any damn donuts in your diet, at all, ever never.
If you have health problems relating to obesity, then you need to address it, for real. Not just pay lip service to them, trying to shut them up.
How do I know? Because I used to do the exact same thing to well-meaning family. My mother was the worst. She was constantly on me. I HATED it! I would go home and cry, I was so upset.
I just figured I was heavy and was going to stay heavy and that was that. I was fine with it, or so I told myself. I wasn't fine, and I wasn't healthy. My doctor finally got me on the right track and I would suggest very strongly that you put yourself on real plan, so that you can then tell your family exactly what you are doing to make yourself healthy.
I know it's hard to start, I know I really really do. It's a tough place to be in, but you have to start somewhere and it may as well be now. If I could reverse time I would go back to my 30s and not allow the weight to creep on so that my 40s were spent overweight. I am now in my 50s (very early 50s ;) ) and I am healthier than I've been in decades. I'm hiking and biking and walking and doing yoga and weight training and life is GOOD.
You can do it.
Alternatively, you can say, "thank you all for your caring and concern but your comments tend to have the opposite effect and make me want to eat more. Please stop with the criticism and 'helpful' advice because it is totally backfiring." That should shut them up, it did my family. But it certainly didn't take the weight off me and it didn't make me any healthier.
There shouldn't be any donuts in your diet at this point in your life. You are too young to be so unhealthy.
Get real. Get serious and get healthy. I know it can be done because I did it. You can do it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 When I was growing up, I was tall for my age, and I ended up with a horrible hunch. My mom would keep pestering me to walk straight and so would everyone else. It was SO damn annoying that that time to be constantly nagged, but thank God they did, because it kept playing on my mind and now I'm tall and straight and proud of my height!
What I'm saying is, take the criticism constructively. I know it can be very annoying but remember they're saying it because they care for you. If it gets too much, tell them, "I appreciate your concern and I'm trying, but its difficult if everyone keeps reminding me of this all the time". They'll get the hint.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2011):
 They love you, that is why they bring it up. Most people who haven't had weight issues don't understand that "advice" can be very hurtful. And family, they just don't always think about feelings when dishing out advice.
The thing is they aren't beating you up about your weight - YOU are.
I agree with Ciar comment, tell them that you appriciate the concern, but that your weight is your concern.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 There is no tactful way to handle untactful comments. I suggest you do as my brother did when he started getting fed up with comments. He suffered from depression and gained a lot of weight, and people commented! But they soon stopped, because he snapped at them for each comment. He would just be plain rude and nasty in return, so you soon stopped commenting and giving "helpful" advice.
Bring out your inner bitch and give them a piece of your mind next time. They'll soon stop commenting. Things you can say is "It is my body and none of your business" or "I'm tired of the comments, so back off" or "What gives you the right to criticize me, you don't hear me criticize you!"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): I have to side with your family here. Being overweight is dangerous. If they have to keep picking on you then you're obviously not losing any weight.
Stop eating donuts, get signed up with a gym, lose the weight and then I bet they'll stop harassing you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 'I appreciate your concern for my well being, but my weight is my business and no one else's and I prefer not to discuss it. Thank you.'Tact and diplomacy are preferable, but sometimes being too nice only invites further discussion. The way to deal with rude behaviour, well intentioned or otherwise, is in a calm, courteous, yet firm and direct manner.
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A
female
reader, baby-blue-eyes +, writes (10 October 2011):
well are you working on it? and it depends how overweight you are if you're only a bit overweight then tell them to get lose basically but if youre morbidly obese then they are only concerned about the amount of diseases you can get from being overweight and they have every right to be if you talk to any type 2 diabetic they will tell you its not a nice way to live i used to be about 14 stone and i got so many complications due to it and i managed to lose 3 stone by not eating (not due to me by the way i was seriously ill) and just naturally going through puberty i managed to get most of my diseases caused by the weight back under control and i actually have energy now. at the end of the day its your body and your life if you dont want their advice tell them "I know you mean well but please let me get on with it on my own as you are ruining my self confidence."
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