A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a quieter person with a quieter life, I have a few friends who I see occasionally, and I enjoy seeing them, but I am alone a lot, as a few ppl I know are. Aside from work I live alone, (no pets, not allowed.) if I could I get one.I am happy living alone, but I wonder how busy should an adult person be? I work rotating shifts so going to a regular event/hobbie is impossible, I could only go when I can. I see my busy friends when they are free, I never push them,or nag or act needy, I like seeing them, they have a busy life, Im to be "fitted in" when its OK and am grateful they see me at all.Every one I know, friends, aquaintances, work aquaintances, even my brother and sister,and their partners, who live in other places (I keep in touch via FBook, we don't see each other a lot) seem to be super busy, they have young kids, I don't have kids.I get it we as people all live super busy lives, friends, work, hobbies, pets, kids, family etc etc plus trying to have time for themselves. its a busy existence for many. But when your existence seems so meaningless and quiet compared to those you know, you arent super busywith friends or kids or family or doing great things on yr day off, even going to a movie with friends or out for dinner isn't likely for me, going with one friends is...or going alone.When yr not working, you don't post on FB/social media all the wonderful amazing things you do, ( yes people only post whats good, agree) and FB can hurt. I know this.you live a quiet life, and you are a good and ok and worthwhile person, maybe one day people will see this, you do try, but people are too busy to see whats in front of them.would love to be busier but it seems everyone else is just too busy which is the way life is.so..... how busy should a person be? how social should they be?why do some people make themselves so busy a person needs to "book" 2months in advance just for a 3/4 hour coffee. they just are busy..I envy them, yet pity them also, they have no time for them.. they are too booked out, surely this isn't good either.. I have a friend who is busy 7 days a week, a coffee means booking 2-3 months in advance and even then its between events. but it is what it is..just wondering what makes people want to be so busy? ever heard of the old saying "stop and smell the flowers" life is too short so surely pressing pause occasionally and relaxing alone is good?why to people need to be "on the run" 7 days a week.thanks.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 Well, not all "want " to be so busy, but a day is only 24 hours and a week only 7 days, and they fill up pretty fast.
To begin with, if you have young kids , you basically ARE busy 24/7, and the occasional spare time that you can get "free " of the physical presence of your kids and of any committment revolving around them, their health, their school, their playdates, is precious and generally destined to other priorities, like rekindling sex and romance with your partner, or visiting close family members.
But, aside parents of young children, the average day of an average person is quite busy ( including yours , I bet, although in a quieter, more solitary way ). Generally a person needs 7 or 8 hours sleep. Then, , if they work full time, it's at least 8 hours a day , add commuting it easily becomes 9 or 10. Then you need time for cooking, cleaning , grocery shopping. And for personal hygiene and grooming and beauty practices , from just showering to , I don't know, shaving ,doing your nails, doing your hair, looking decent. Then, most people who keep regular work hours ( and in this they are more fortunate than you ) also keep one or two evenings , or the weekend , for their personal interests , hobbies , pursuits , they may take classes, follow courses, go to the gym, belong to associations and organizations, etc. Then, there are family occasions and festivities, birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations of various nature. Then, you've got to see your dentist or OB/ GYN ,your CPA, your landlord, your counselor.... the butcher the baker the candlestick maker. And, when you finally have the luxury of a whole afternoon or day, unstructured and unfettered, and FREE... maybe you want to recharge your batteries and smell the roses , as you say, and just stop, relax, lay around the house in your PJ and watch old TV re-runs, and do NOTHING social , and nothing special.
Your friend who keeps you waiting 3 months for coffee maybe is a bit overcommitted, but, for instance, I am NOT a very busy person ( I have a grown up son, I work part time ) STILL can't MAKE time to see some friends ( who are not members of my same groups / associations, or do not live close by, or do not join the same social events I go ) more than maybe every 7/8 weeks or so. And I go at a leisurely pace, I assure you, I do not overextend myself to FIND things to keep me busy. It's things which find me, in general .
There's nothing wrong IMO if you go to a slower , quieter pace, and if a life is quiet it does not mean it's meaningless. Marcel Proust had a quiet life, Emily Dickinson had a quiet life, Jane Austen had a quiet life.
I get what you are saying, or implying, though : It is true, that there is a pecking order, there is a priority list , and in a busy day, or life, we always we have to make choices and discard something in favour of something else, or to reschedule with person X to make an opening for person Y. Maybe what you regret is that you haven't tied so close, intimate bonds to be higher on somebody's " to do " list, to make them want sacrifice or postpone another thing in order to free time for you.
I would not take this as a reflection on my own self worth- or on their moral character. It does not mean that you are not worth knowing, or that they are heartless spiteful people. It's mostly situational, the older you get, the most difficult it gets to start and deepen close bonds, you can't exactly go to the playground and say all the kids " hey let's all go play in the same sandbox " and make 12 instant friends, and then take it from there, as you might have done when you were 5. And in making and developing social contacts , no doubt, outgoing, extrovert personalities have it MUCH easier, those who can take the lead, approach people, initiate etc.etc. If you aren't born that way, you aren't. Nothing wrong with that, everybody is different. But, it makes your social life more difficult.
Despair not, though. If you are bored of doing things on your own, I guess you have to work on numbers and make aquaintances with a larger number of people . Maybe they won't ever make it to real friends, but they'll make it to people with whom you can grab a coffe some times. And if A is busy that day, then you can call up B. etc. Maybe you can't get a movie date out of your one good friend who is very busy, but you can get it from one of your 20 aquaintances.
You'll ask me : didn't you just say that it is difficult to make new contacts when you are an introvert adut ? yes I did, but difficult does not mean impossible. It means you have to take time, effort, patience and persistence to work at it. Check special interest groups or associations or voluntary work organizations, that you might like to join . It's easier to make friends with people you have common interests with , and then, really age or gender or social status does not matter . ( My language exchange partner when I was learning Spanish was a 17 y.o. kid ! , now I have learned Spanish and we still grab a coffee together and have a nice chat occasionally ).
Your variable work hours do penalize you, but less than you'd think. There's lot of things that are on a drop by bases ( book reading circles, movie buff nights, card playing ... tons of stuff, really ) . Or, if you decide for something more structured, no big deal, you'll skip a class or event if you have to work, it's not like you are missing Harvard Law School.
What would you like to DO , to learn, to talk about, to TEACH ? You can check on line if there are any aficionadoes in your area, you can try and start your own group. You can go on some bulletin board or social network and say : I'd like to gather a few people on Sunday mornings , or alternate Saturdays or whatever, for....fill the blank.
You could check something called Meet up , they have branches all over and they offer informal gatherings based around .. every thing really. Expats, people who want to learn a language, amateur artists, gourmets ... and just people who wants to meet other people to shoot the breeze .
Yes, I am suggesting you to venture out of your comfort zone, exactly. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You may be a wonderful person, but as long as you stay home without talking to/ seeing anybody, nobody will know that. Be generous, go out there and let all these people have the chance to get to know a worthy , wonderful person with lots to offer like you are .
Last thing : do not dismiss the time you can spend alone. I guess now it feels like too much of a good thing, .. yet, realize it IS a good thing, a pleasure and a privilege.
When you are on your own, you can read, think, meditate, daydream, relax, rest, pray.. Or, you can be silly and goofy and dance the macarena in front of your mirror. You only have yourself to please, yourself to obey, yourself to indulge and spoil. Ultimately, each are our own's best friend :) - and people who never have the time or inclination for being alone with their own's best friend... I think they are more to be pitied than envied...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Sometimes a career that makes a lot of money will keep a person busy. They work in exchange for that monetary payoff. They work because they enjoy what they do. Add hobbies, appointments, pets, family, dates with friends and/or a significant other into the mix and you're booked.
People don't always voluntarily become busy. For example, look at people who have children because they believe having children is a necessary step in life. Bam! Tons of responsibilities. Busy 24/7. Don't pity them. No one held a gun to their heads to have children. If you have children, don't be surprised you no longer have free time. They will manage and you will live your life.
I have a friend who is very busy. She plans dates weeks in advance. Part of it is because of school, a club, and a boyfriend. But, she also has poor sleeping habits and study habits that make her busier than she has to be.
"But when your existence seems so meaningless and quiet compared to those you know, you arent super busy..."
I really discourage you from thinking that a quiet life is meaningless. If you enjoy your life, then that's all there is to it. Enjoy living the way you want to as long as it doesn't hurt you or wrong others. A person who has children, a husband/wife, etc...doesn't necessary lead a more meaningful life. It could be empty for all we know. That person isn't worth more than you either.
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