A
male
age
30-35,
*eyenoordpelle
writes:Hey everybody,So my gf and I went on a vacation last week. On the third day of our (up untill this point lovely) vacation I noticed her recieving a text message and her acting shady. In all these years I have NEVER allowed myself to be jealous. She has never given me a reason to do oterhwise. She did however started working at a new place, just last month. New guys who she needs to text with (promoting and stuff). No big deal, I thought, I trust her. Then I strangely had a dream of her texting some guy and me NOT liking it. I told her about the dream and only then had she told me that there was a guy from the new place texting her. She told me she wouldn't respond, kept it professional and that was that. Our vacation was 3 week later.Her whatsapp conversation showed otherwise though. On our vacation I went through her phone. She sent this same guy a video of her room and her dog playing around in it. I continued to read on. He cracked a joke at me. She just laughed and responded with banter. She told him she waved at him so ''nicely'', she asked him what she thought of her, told him that the pic he sent her of some food made her feel hungry, that she could hold her drink and he told her he couldn't, that they would go on a businesstrip, party and have a good time (will happen in a month). Not OVERTLY flirty, but hey, not exactly professional now is it? And that's all just the tip of the iceberg; I stopped reading as I got sick just knowing these things were said. Worst thing is; the conversations started at 11:30 and went on untill 1 and 1:30 in the morning. Multiple times. A whole month long! All at times when I was in a ROUGH patch; getting fired from parttime job, deceased family member, not getting into the marines and more.After finding out I asked her (she didn't knew I read the messages) if the guy and her were still texting. She told me no. She only texted him professionaly. I asked her again. Repeat. I then told her to read her messages to him herself. She reassured me; their conversations were purely business. I then asked her to let me look at her phone. She told me she didn't want to and even struggled with me. I grabbed the phone from her hands. She had deleted the texts to the guy.Some confronting and cussing later, she exclaimed she was only texting him for the attention and that she didn't tell me because she was afraid to hurt my feelings (yeah right) and that there was nothing happening and that there was never going to happen anything with the POS. She'll never do it again and she's so so sorry, she told me.kicked her to the curb for being disrespectful to me, herself and our relationship and misusing my trust. Thing is I loved her so very much. She was awesome. Betraying me without ANY reason whatsoever is something that really isn't justifiable with any amount of love. If I let my women walk over me, how will she respect me? How will I respect me?She acuses me of ''just giving up'', and reminds me of the times that she has forgiven me. That we're made for eachother, that they REALLY weren't flirting etc. etc. The burden of breaking up is a hell to carry and the thing is, because it was so awesome being in a relationship with her, I'm having second thoughts. Did I make the right decision? Was she really not planning to cheat? Was this not disrespectful? All the amount of rational thinking in my head tells me I did right, standing up as a self respecting person. Every ounch of my mind tells me her behaviour was wrong, and if I forgave her she'd betray me again. My heart however, wants to forgive her. I won't ever listen to that voice in this situation however, not for a long time.Can someone tell me if I made the right decicion? Am I right, trusting reason over love? Or do you think it IS possible that this wasn't disrespectful, that I should have given her another chance, that she wasn't planning on monkeybranching, cheating etc. Besides this betrayal she was ALWAYS there for me, ALWAYS made me feel good was ALWAYS an amazing girlfriend. Was this reasonably enough reason to break up with a girl like that?She has repeatedly texted me a break up isn't the right solution, and maybe she's right. She has to know the consequences of the things she did and walking out is the only thing I can do. Now, days later, I'm REALLY wondering whether or not the texting was filled with ill will and why she lied to me and what the texting would lead to, if anything, and IF anything would happen. DAMN this double guessing!O AND NOT TO FORGET! She cheated on both her past boyfriends. I took my chances yeah, guess I was a little cocky. I believed she wouldn't need to with me, I gave her everything she needed in the most manly way possible. Think that's enough to keep her old ways to JUST wanting attention and NOT straying? Questions, questions!Excuse the language, not a native speaker. Thanks*cliffs*-awesome gf -suddenly texting coworker, not telling me-keeps texting after bad dream of mine while I'm in a ditch-keeps lying about it, after being busted claims it meant nothing, not wanting to hurt me-don't put up with this, break up-not sure if just this betrayal outweighs all the good in her-she says she'll even wait years for me, loves me so much, I'm her everything, etc.-take her back after sorting out feelings? Or would it be foolish, knowing her past
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I was your like your GF once despite being married and somewhat happy with my hb, I decided to "text and sext" an old school friend who was also married, it wasn't cause I want an affair or anything it was simply for attention and the rush of getting compliments, it took me away from my normal hum drum life and gave me a few minutes of excitement every day, I didn't want to cheat, I would have run a mile if there was a hint of him wanting that.....but my husband found out, I got sloppy and didn't delete all the emails, to him it wasn't a bit of fun and he was hurt and I suddenly realised it wasn't a big game to him, this was his life and I was hurting it...so I stopped emailing him...it was hard at first as I missed the attention but my relationship is better for it now.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): She said she didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings.
So what? Plenty of people lie about having cheated because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. They still cheated.
She only respects your feelings (and relationship) when she thinks you will find out about it. That's deep trouble.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): If it were me, I would have broken up and never looked back. After many similar events happening in my life, I now make it absolutely clear what the boundaries are of our relationship, and if they are crossed, all trust is gone, and the relationship is over.
I think your gf knew what she was doing was wrong, deceitful, I think she enjoyed the attention, and thought you'd never know and not get hurt. Given her history, it sounds like a weakness she hasn't been able to overcome yet.
It is going to really hurt, breaking up, but the way I see it, your choice is to continue in a relationship with a girl who is wonderful in so many ways, but will give in to small temptations of attraction if they arise, and hurt you every time, OR to grieve the loss now and wait for a woman who has similar ideals of loyalty and honesty as you do.
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A
male
reader, feyenoordpelle +, writes (26 June 2014):
feyenoordpelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. About taking her back no no, I'm NOT rationalizing. Second guessing is more like it. Completely natural for any person during the first break up of their first relationship right I'd guess. Indeed it's a tricky situation, whether to follow the nice memories and 'loving' gf, whether she is that or not, or to not trust the sneaky insecure girl she once was and has shown to be able to be.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 Hi,
My ex partner did the same thing as your gf, but she was texting through Facebook them twitter. I caught the messages when she didn't log her PC off one day and there were very graphic messages.
I confronted her, and she'd been telling this person she loved him. But through investigation it turned out she had done it with 12 other guys while in our relationship.
I tried to make it work, seeing it as sexting but in the end it was time to admit that she wasn't the monogamous type.
I hope you really consider this relationship and make informed decisions not just because of the good or the OK times.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I've been in the same place.My first real girlfriend had a pretty bad past (cheating) and was ending an apparently abusive relationship when we met. She got her own place and we started our relationship. Throughout that period she would text her ex, but I trusted her and as he had some mental health issues (attempted suicide, depression etc.) I was ok with it. After a few months together and things moving really fast she suddenly dropped the bombshell that she didn't have any feelings for me and needed some space. I was torn apart and tried to find out what had gone wrong. A week later when her ex replied to one of my texts from her phone and told me to leave her alone I had my answer.Move on a few months, I still loved her, she'd split up with her ex and we tried again. This time around the trust wasn't there. I checked her phone and found her flirting and exchanging photos with two other men. Had a huge fight, she swore she'd never do it again and nothing had happened. I gave her a chance, but kept checking her phone. In the end I found her arranging a weekend away with one of these blokes for 'fun'. I ended it. For the following few weeks I felt awful, I second guessed myself. Did the texts really mean what I thought? Was there an innocent explanation? I heard later that she'd gone on to cheat on the next two partners that she was involved with.My advice, once that trust is gone, it's better to move on. Keep the happy memories that you made and try to forget the bad bits. If you do try again with her, be prepared to be paranoid and untrusting for quite a while.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (26 June 2014):
I would never have guessed you weren't a native speaker so no need to add that apology anymore.
I think you're second guessing yourself because of the "who knows" nature of the situation. What she was doing was inappropriate. The attention she wanted and the disregard for appropriate behavior was the same situation that led her to cheat in the past. So she was likely at step one for cheating (step two being partying, which she planned to do, step three is being uninhibited and having sex).
She may not have been planning more. But there's no way to know except by her history. And her history is not great. You could always wait until she cheats, but do you really want to experience that?
Her problem appears to be insecurity. She needs attention from other guys to feel whole. If you take her back I think this needs to be addressed. If it is you may be able to have a happy and infidelity free relationship.
You could take her back and set the conditions. She should know that you won't put up with her bs again, and if you suspect she's behaving inappropriately a second time you'll never speak to her again.
But in the meantime you should know that her insecurity could also lead her to initiate something with this other guy sooner than later.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): My two ex boyfriends did the same to me it started as they were just being friendly then it turned into sexting and sending naked photos then it turned into meeting in person. I gave them both chance after chance and the more chances i gave the more they realized they could get away with. After going through that i know what i won't allow in my relationship and what i won't give second chances to. Now i finally have a good guy who has never done anything to hurt me and were engaged and have a baby on the way and things are good. You have to decide what will make you happy in the long run. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I can tell you I have gone through your situation. I can tell you where it leads and where I am now. It is your decision whether to take the gamble or not. I caught some texts from my boyfriend to an ex he dated on and off. He (like your girlfriend) said he never talked to her anymore. Obviously I saw otherwise. The texts were very platonic, only about having a headache and work is awful etc etc. But he LIED. I had to leave. Any self respecting person would. I got the same texts from him that you did from your girlfriend. "Nothing is going on with her. We just talk as friends sometimes. I just didn't want to hurt you. I NEVER said anything other than being friendly. I will block her, you're more important. I love you." and on and on. After some soul searching I decided to go with my heart and try again. I have been in a similar situation in the past and knew that once the trust was gone it's done. But this time I thought it would be different. It has been 8 months since then. I still get paranoid. Just now I was trying to get into his phone account (which I supposedly was given the password to). It is an awful place to be. I trusted him at one point, never questioned anything he did. Now I wonder if he is where he says he is. If he texted her or someone else today then deleted them... It isn't constant, but it is enough to make me unhappy a lot of the time. I am still here though. Hoping with time that it gets better, that I will trust him again one day. My friend's husband cheated on her and she was able to get past it, why couldn't I get past a few platonic texts?? That's how I rationalize this to myself. So be prepared for paranoia. Fights. Loss of trust for who knows how long. Pain. Jealousy. Anger. Resentment for turning you into this untrusting person. I won't say you can't ever get past it because people have. If it's possible it will require open communication and a ton of work to gain that trust back. Up to you whether you want to give it a shot or not. Ps. I am willing to bet you will be taking her back regardless of what you hear because you have already started to rationalize it in your head, and because we tend to follow our hearts. I wish you the best of luck.
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