A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just a quick question. With age gaps how big a age gap do you think is to big? My friend is dating a man who is 55, she is 28. He smokes like a chimney, drinks too much (his eyes are yellow shot) and flirts with other women, he has a live in partner too. I think she should finish with him, but she says he sais he loves her and is scared of getting hurt and she loves him. I just want her to find someone better. How can i tell her? plus do you think the age gap is too big? Ive dated men older than me, up to 15 years older. But i cant imagine it working with anyone older because of the vast gap, esp if they dont look after themselves, health wise. I dunno. Ive dated a man 20 yrs older than me, loved him too bits but he was insecure bout the relationship b'cus of the age gap and wouldn't commit. Any opinions would be great.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (4 October 2007):
Don't try to tell her what to do. Just point out the negative things he does and tell her you think she could do bettet.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I suppose if he was Peter Stringfellow I could understand it!
Your mate obviously knows what she's letting herself in for, so whoever she chooses to entertain is entirely her decision. He's obviously no oil painting - what about her? Is she desperate or something?
You can pass your opinion on to her, but in the end it's up to her what she does with her life, just as you are free to do what you want with yours.
Phil
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A
female
reader, Lilli b +, writes (2 October 2007):
 Well ultimately it is her choice isn't it? Why is 15 years or 20 years an ok age difference but 27 years not ok?
The problem doesn't really lie in the age difference (although as I have responded in a different question on this issue, I personally can't see the attraction of dating anyone either much younger or older for the simple reason you lose out on all the common history similar age groups share)
The problem is more to do with the fact that he has a live in partner and flirts with other women. His disrespect he shows himself with his excessive lifestyle of smoking and drinking also extends to a disrespect to others, his partner, your friend and the other women.
Sounds like this guy might be a bit insecure like your own ex partner - perhaps he is insecure because he is unhappy with getting older and needs to keep getting affirmation from young attractive women to support what sounds like a really fragile ego.
Sadly, there is nothing you can do for your friend except tell her that you are there for her whatever she decides to do with this partner. If you do want to focus on anything try not to worry about the age gap and focus on asking her why she feels she doesn't deserve a loyal and faithful partner because if she is willing to accept such a shoddy second rate relationship then chances are her self esteem is low and she feels she doesn't deserve better. Bolster her up and keep reminding her how great she is and how she deserves the best.
In the end nobody can make anybody else end a relationship no matter how unsatisfactory it seems on the outside. Come to that nobody really knows the real relationship but you can encourage your friend to understand that she is a wonderful person, you can direct her to courses and or books on the subject of developing self esteem and self worth and ask her whether this relationship is really what she wants. If your friend refuses to take a look at herself and her relationship there is nothing much more you can do except support her and be a good friend for her because if this guy is with another live in partner and flirts with other women she is bound to get hurt at some point.
Good luck
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