A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Had a friend, known for 7 years. Freelance work, so understand that occasionally things crop up and she had to cancel arranged lunches, but it got to the point where it was almost constant. Used to spend long emails sorting out her problems (marriage breakdown, later a stalker, work) and declared me one of the 4 people who would tell her what she NEEDED to hear, not WANTED to hear, and for that I was a greatly valued and loyal friend. I decided I needed to clear the air and I pointed out that she had cancelled coming/backed out last minute of every single time I had tried to arrange something which did not make me feel valued at all and that, in future, if she happened to find herself with a night free and want to take an off chance and see if I too was free and call me up to do something, then that was fine. But I was not prepared to make specific arrangements any more.She said she understood, I had had the thin end of the wedge and she had let me down. Her job could be a pain but it was unfair to keep cancelling on me. She said she would go down the spontaneous route I suggested. Two weeks later, she was doing something and asked if I was free. I wasn’t, but I thanked her for asking, meant a lot that she bothered and she said she would continue to do so. She didn’t.Three months later, was invited to her house for a meal, so I decided I would reciprocate. And we arranged a date two months ahead so that it was firmly in her diary. Three days before event she cancelled, having double booked herself with friend who was moving abroad (genuine, although in the end she didn’t go to that either, too tired from work).Decided wouldn’t bother and just stick to emails, despite the fact she lives three miles away. Lots of the usual problems. Christmas I got a card saying “Would really like to see more of you in 2013” which I laughed at. I invited her to my birthday drinks with just a few close friends and told my best friend “bet you she cancels”. She did. One hour before. So I decided enough was enough and I decided I would let the friendship slide. I heard nothing from her for 3 months, so thought she had perhaps realised she had burned her bridges.I had a text from her Thurs saying “hi, how are you?” and proceeding to ask if I knew someone who could help her out with someone. So, only contacted me to get something from me. I sent a polite but brief reply. Another followed saying: “It’s been ages, can we do lunch soon? A lot more availability these days (good and bad thing) and looking at our messaging no contact since your birthday. Unsure why, but I miss it x”No doubt she has lost some of her work which means she now has time for me. I know that she has made time for other people – the joys of Facebook – and for events that are important to her in her hobby. I can’t decide whether to simply ignore her text or tell her that our friendship has run its course. She is bound to ask why if I reply the latter and bearing in mind we’ve had a big talk about this in the past, I don’t feel the need to go through it all again. She’s not an unintelligent woman and surprised she hasn't guessed.
View related questions:
best friend, christmas, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, finalmailings  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 If you are in fact done being friends with her, just keep it light and tell her you are busy. Be polite, you don't need to revisit anything or re-hash, just say that although you would like to see her at the moment you have no free time. It's been my experience that friendships can re-kindle too, right now at this intersection, you are frustrated and maybe you just need no contact with her for a very long period of time. But maybe in the future, things change. I am not suggesting you sit around and wait for things to change either, I just see no point in you officially and dramatically ending the relationship when a simple "I am really swamped," might suffice.I personally don't think she is using you at all. I just think she is incapable of making plans ahead of time, plain and simple. Every friend has a limitation, as do all friendships, and that is the limitation here. You both agreed to keep things spontaneous yet you still went ahead and booked plans for the future, knowing she cannot keep plans to save her life. As for birthday drinks, why would you expect her to show up? Of course, I totally understand your hurt, but again she is someone who can only do spontaneous meetings. And it sounds like you had other close friends including your best girlfriend around to celebrate your special day. In the end, it is all about how much you enjoy spending time with her. Do you get anything out of the relationship? Do you like her company? Could she serve as a resource for you in the future? I learned in life to think long and hard about cutting someone out and that not all friendships are the same. You have your super close girl friends, and the ones that you meet on occasion and get together on the whim. If you want to be friends, just know that it can be good but limited. It's okay to have different types of relationships, not everyone is gonna be in your tight knit circle.Maybe you feel because you have really been there for her emotionally her behavior is especially hurtful and that is also understandable. But consider she maybe there for you one day if you are in a crisis. She just sounds like she cannot plans made into the future. I believe this friendship could actually help you grow and have different levels and types of friendships. Whatever you decided, it has been my experience that it is better to say you are busy even when you are trying to cut-off a relationship for the most part. Telling someone it is over in a friendship, especially in this case where it is avoidable, only fosters bad blood and is frankly unnecessary. She is not someone you see everyday and is easy enough to avoid, why create hard feelings over something that is more a behavioral shortcoming than serious character defect. My two cents, to each their own. Good luck with however you decide to handle it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2013):
 I agree with C. Grant. She doesn't really view you as a friend but as someone who can DO things FOR her when SHE needs/want it.
Personally, I'm not sure she would understand it (or accept) if you told her straight out it isn't working for you, but that is the way I would go. And I also wouldn't spend a long time explaining it to her. I don't think you OWE her that.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 It seems to me she's made it very clear where you stand. You're a resource, not a friend. Of course there are occasions, even periods of a few weeks, where one's life is genuinely too hectic to spend the sort of time you'd like with your friends. But what you describe is well beyond that. Whatever you are to her, you are not a priority.
Your choice? Decide whether you enjoy her company enough that you're content to be an afterthought, to be granted the crumbs of her time that fall from the table. Or, if you only want someone who values you enough to commit time and energy to you, then cut all contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (24 June 2013):
Yes that is a very difficult position to be in and you have discuss same with her.Howeer would you consider giving her one more chance.Stating that to have a friend you must be a friend and not aalways be the Taker.Tell her the friendship is over Unless the friendship is fair on both sides.Put the ball in her court and let her decide.Kind Wishes Nora B.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): OP here - just to say I didn't come up with the "headline question?" It's not about her not being there when I NEED her. It's about her constant cancelling when I have invited her to be social, not because I want something out of her. I wanted the "headline question" to simply read: "How best to end this friendship" but it was changed.
...............................
|
