A
female
age
41-50,
*alfandhalfchild
writes:I was with a guy for about two years and it was going well for the first five months until he started to get very controlling and abusive. I thought he'd just come to a strange point in his life and he'd stop because I'm stupid like that so I stayed with him and did everything he said, let him hit me until one day he decided to call me and tell me I couldn't be with my friends so I had to go to his house, so I went and I was scared so my friends waited for me, I had no idea they were round the corner listening to us scream outside his house and he started to strangle me so they came and saved me. At that point I decided to be brave and left him, after eight months I met a new guy, I was a little worried the same thing would happen as last time but I give everybody a chance to prove themselves and he really has. He looks after me, he treats me nice but he can be a little controlling too and I like him, I like him a lot and I thought I was over my abusive ex... Until he messaged me a few weeks ago saying he's sorry and he just wants to keep in touch, not even be friends if I don't want so I said "ok, I can be civil." and now it's grown to be much more, my feelings are coming back and I'm afraid I might be in love with him again. I really don't want to hur the new guy, he doesn't deserve it and he's so sweet, to be honest I think one day I could love him if I gave him a chance, but the thought of my abusive ex being with me again makes me feel happy. I'm so stupid I know, I already know the answer to my own question but I need to know what other people think. I'm too scared to ask my family or friends for advice... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): As a true gentleman, who pretty much [at least tries his very best to] live by the motto "Treat women right", I'd have to agree with all the above answers (at time of answering). It is oh so very wrong to hit women in the first place, but even more wrong to do so if the woman is meant to be your girlfriend/partner/fiancée/wife. Please, it seems you already can do oh so very much better than 'him'. In this case, no second chances with your ex!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Why would you WANT to go back to your abusive ex? AT ALL?
IT IS OK to be single for a while!
If the new guy becomes too controlling I hope you walk away. And take a good hard look at the men you seem to fall for. Unfortunately abusive men don't have a stamp on their forehead so they aren't always easily recognizable, but LOOK at a guys actions, don' just trust his words.
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A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (14 June 2012):
No! Whatever you do, please don't go back with your ex! He has already showed you how much disrespect he has for you. From personal experience, a relative was with a violent boyfriend(verbally/physically abusive, jealous and manipulative). We found out his true nature once this relative told the family about him and that she wanted to leave him. We were all behind her (money, place to stay, emotional support etc). The guy then pretended he had changed and she went back to him (even of we told her nothing would be different). After the "honeymoon" phase, he went back to his old ways: beating her, belittling her infront of anyone, and sending her to the hospital. She then left him again (once more the family was there for her) but returned to him after a much shorter period after he made her more promises. She is still with him and i think that the beating stopped (because she became friends with some law enforcers) but she is very unhappy, low self esteem and bitter towards life. If he has already abused you then it is highly probably that he will do it again. Please forget about your ex, you will probably have a much happier life without him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 June 2012):
 I don't think you should go back to your abusive ex.
He has said he is sorry, but that will only last until the next time he is abusive.
If you read about cases of domestic violence and abuse, it's almost a blue print for behaviour of abusers...it's called manipulation.
Women feel deep emotional love and it's very hard to ignore those feelings and love is used as a mask to cover up the real damage and problems.
I think that you should give the new guy a chance but if you feel he is becoming too controlling then maybe it's better to just be single for a while and work on your own self confidence so you do not ever become a victime of controlling men again.
If you go back to your abusive ex then it's possible that in a few weeks or months you will be suffering abuse again and wishing you'd burnt your bridges when you had the chance.
Wish I could tell you that returning to your abusive ex will end up the romatic loving relationship you desire, but my dear the odds are stacked in your favour...but you already know that...
Think about it.
xxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): Regardless of what you end up doing with the new guy, don't go back to the old guy. Don't trust your feelings for him. Since your feelings for him obviously aren't accurate (and since you recognize that they aren't accurate), you should be ignoring them, not following them. You can look at feelings as being there to guide you, but if you happen to be a person with feelings who aren't an accurate guide, then you should ignore them. Don't follow an innacurate heart.
This may be harsh medicine, but it will help.
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A
male
reader, hurtguy24 +, writes (14 June 2012):
n o no no! GIVE THE NEW GUY A CHANCE!!! Your ex showed you his true colors and thats who he really is as a person, an ass. unless you want to be hit forget your ex and have nothing to do with him.
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