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female
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*ennifer80
writes: I discovered my boyfriend of 2 years posted on adult internet sites seeking 'couples or females'.I recently clicked on the history tap on the internet and to my horror I found photos of my boyfriend advertising himself as a bi-curious male, seeking couples or girls. He had also listed the town in which we live and his email address which included his name. I also found detailed information about his fantasies and descriptions of what he would like to do sexually. I also found pictures of his penis and torso posted on another site. He had obviuosly been checking into these sites on a regular basis and emailing frequently. I was so horrified as he is a lovely bloke and we have a great relationship but now I feel betrayed and cheated. I have confronted him and he says that he was just curious and had never met anybody in the flesh. He also said that he had been thinking about giving it up but hadn't got round to deleting his accounts.What should I do. I thought he would be the man that I would marry but now I feel like I don't know him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2006): With all due respect to you..please, just listen to yourself, dear. "Maybe I have been a little unfair to my partner as he did partly disguise the photos of his face by hiding the eyes - could this mean that maybe he did want to stay anonymous?" This comment smacks of denial in it's most insidious form and your vlnerability/denial is your biggest liability here. Funny how women justify a man's behaviours with such lame, silly excuses. Stand up for yourself...he has every 'intent' to cheat! His private parts should be reserved for your viewing only...not every women out there in cyberspace. It's just a matter of time when just 'one' woman will catch his fancy and you will become a casualty. Excusing bad behaviours doesn't get you love, acceptance or a quality relationship, dear. All it gets you is continuing mistrust and fear of losing something with this guy that you don't have in the first place. Time to look in the mirror and ask yourself' why am I tolerating this BS? It takes a lot of courage to face that and I suggest you do this before you end up hurt, negative, cynical and always suspicious. Dump this loser...heal, recover and go find a man who has integrity and values. I am sorry, he has hurt you but only you can make the best decision for your own happiness. I hope you do the right thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2006): You stated you had asked him to see the content of his sent and received emails and he refused. That begs the question, "what is he hiding"? Do the emails provide evidence that anything he told you to this point is not exactly true? Do they indicate there's more to know than what he told you? And how will you handle being denied learning the truth (which is what those emails contain)? Such a tricky situation this is! If I were in your position, I would require access to the accounts or end the relationship. Otherwise, wherever you go with him from this point, it will never be on a foundation based on truth (afterall, without knowledge of what is in those emails, you apparently don't have the complete truth else he would allow you access). Anyway, I believe that until he comes totally clean, you'll always have a cloud hanging over your head and your relationship....a relationship where secrets lie within. That is exactly what is happening...he has secrets (secrets with OTHER women or men) contain within those emails that he does not want you to know. Without knowing the content of those emails, you cannot dismantle the intimacy of those secrets he shares with other people. Do you really want to be with a person like that?***
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reader, b3x  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 He has broken your trust, you must be broken hearted! I know I would be, in a way I see this as being unfaithful but in anyother way I'm not sure.
What I do know is he has left you gutted, maybe talk to him about this or go on a break, he may then get round to deleting his accounts and making you his priority? If you find out why he was doing this though then maybe you two can work on a solution, but I hate those sites (sex ones) and porn, it poisons us all! Sorry to hear of your sadness hun, its a tricky situation xx
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reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 You weren't being unfair at all. This guy is creepy. Who posts pictures of his wanker on the internet along with his name, address, and email address? A creep of a boyfriend, that's who. Lose him.
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reader, Jennifer80 +, writes (25 August 2006):
Jennifer80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response and what you say does make sense. Maybe I have been a little unfair to my partner as he did partly disguise the photos of his face by hiding the eyes - could this mean that maybe he did want to stay anonymous?
I was checking the the internet history because the night before I had walked in and seen he had an adult chat site open - but before that I had no idea what he had been up to, just thought he was emailing his mates.
I just don't understand why he had to take it so far - I wouldn't care if he'd just been looking up a bit of porn. I asked him if I could see some of the emails he had sent a recieved but he wouldn't let me so i'm guessing they were quite explicit.
I'm so gutted.
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reader, Helen1986 +, writes (25 August 2006):
 I think he has betrayed your trust, he might not of met anyone in the flesh but he was obviously thinking about it. He should never of put pictures of himself on the net! I think it will be very hard for you to rebuild your trust for this man. Maybe you should think about getting out of this relationship because he obviously has no respect for you at all, and whos to say he wouldn't have met someone if he hadn't been caught out. You deserve so much better.
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reader, camille +, writes (25 August 2006):
 That's because you don't know him. Sadly he has gone behind your back. There's curious and then there's doing somethign about it. Whether or not he was interested in carrying this through, it's as you say, he hasn't remained at all anonymous. You'd think if he was just looking, he'd have left his identitiy out of it. I'm not sure that any amount of talking will change the way this looks. It doesn't mean he's not a lovely guy, but it does throw open many questions. It's down to you to see if you trust what he says and obviously whether you can live with what was his secret. I also have to say this, you were checking the internet history....why? Did you already have suspicions or are you just mistrusting. If you looked because your gut was telling you something wasn't right, then perhaps keep listening to that.
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