A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help me, very confused.I've been with my boyfriend for almost 15 months, I'm supposed to move in to his apartment within the next couple of months. He's ex wife still lived with him up until last week, now he's all upset shes gone, he admitted to me he still loves her, he always put her first, he always talks about her. We planned a romantic weekend at his house, but then he cancelled because she doesn't like me in the house, but not because it was her house, he got the house just recently because i helped him turn around his budget and finances. He brough up her name over 50 times when we were behind closed doors then told me I had to smarten up when I got cold to him. We have to go to places they went to, not places that suit our needs. I'm so hurting from being treated this way, but my feelings are so strong I don't know if I can live without him, but I don't like being treated bad day after day. What do I do any advice would be helpful. Even little things bother me now like when she calls me a gold digger, and I've never taken from him, just given, and all she did was take, infact he even had to pay her to do household chores, when she barely worked in the 13 years they were together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI broke it off... hopefully I can stay strong
thank you everyone for your help
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right... I guess I'm still confused, but it would be giving her a family environment again, but I guess not a very good one. I want to do the right thing, but I'm struggling, and I dont know why. He does have one good point though, he has never hit me, that's good right. I'm a giver, I try to make everyone happy, maybe that's meant to be my place in life. I really don't think I need to be happy, I don't need to meet the big picture, I really think I can settle, and rejoice in the small miracles in life, like when the rain falls from the sky to allow things to grow and flurish. Or maybe not, would I still be coming here to read your advice, if I had actually made up my mind. I know this next one will probable cause you all to write me off, asuming I need to be commited, but if I don't give you the true facts, I can't get proper advice.
When I stayed with him, I told him he would have to change.
He started on the right page, he said he was going to have me over from a romantic dinner for 2 that he would cook... but dinner for 2 became dinner for 4 (with a couple from his past, that him and his wife were really close with, closer than friends) I sat there smiling, trying to pretend I was enjoying myself, but amazingly he didn't even realize that I didn't think the evening had gone great, he actually though he should deserve a pat on the back, for a job well done. After that I lost it, I ranted and raved for hours even about stupid things, like the fact he knows I don't like garlic and he put it on the meat and in the potatoes, because the other couple like it (but the corn was garlic free)I'm becoming a negative person that I don't like, I never used to explode like a bomb.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 but aren't you teaching your daughter that it's ok to take bad treatment from a man by staying with this guy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour advice was great, but tears fall from eye right now as a stupidly admit, I don't think I'm able to give up right now. Oh yeah, I know you guys are right and maybe in a short period of time I'll be able to put myself first, my kid is attached to him, shes 15 and due to the fact I lost my last boyfriend overnight, because it was time for God to take him home, I don't wish to mess up her life again, my feelings will once again be placed on the back burner. Thays okay though, because I'll I need to do, is she her smile and I'm good. Maybe when she goes off to college, I will start living for me, if I'm unanle to do so before than.Thanx all, and I'll keep you posted, and yeah I'm a bg girl, I can take it if you need to send harsh words my way, or say I told you soLuv, Luck and Laughter to all
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A
female
reader, ForeverGoddess +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I am in a tough situation too hun, The best thing to do is follow your heart..If your heart says stay, then stay, but if its not working out after days, weeks and months,,then use your brain and leave..Thats what I have to do if my bf keeps up his mess...Its tough when your in love...Love yourself, god, and then others.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Chin up, Honey! THERE are good guys out there too, you just need to accept that YOU deserve one too.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 June 2011):
You can make it without this guy. Anyone can. His ex clearly can! He's the one who's stuck in his past life. The problem is he's singled you out because you're in a bit of a state - he knows that he can treat you this way.
You have to make a stand and just live your own life without people like this in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Caring Guy, and Honey pie I appreciate your help and your words and how quickly you jumped to help me. Yes I agree my past has given me cause to question my worthiness, but I have confronted him about the way he treats me, but I never do anything about it, except stupidly beleive he won't treat me that way again, even though its a revolving door. I think it has to be harsh for me to wake up Honey Pie no hard feelings.
Lost.dreamer
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2011):
Read CaringGuy's post a few times. I think he hit the nail on the head.
Not to be harsh, you were his rebound and he used to utterly.
Don't let this guy or any other man treat you like a doormat.
Tell him to go fly a kite (with his ex) and move on. LIVE life, find someone who can make you happy. He seems to make you more misserable them happy.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 June 2011):
How do you feel about yourself? Because you are torturing yourself with this guy, and that must mean you don't really have any self esteem at all.
- He still loves her
- He won't let you in the house because she didn't want you to be there.
- He always talks about her.
- He always puts her first.
- He told you to smarten up when you went cold, and didn't do anything.
- You go to places they went.
I'll bet next he'll be telling you to wear her clothes, do your make up like she did, have sex the way she did, speak the way she did. He'll ruin you!
My advice? Leave, and get some serious counselling, because you come across as someone who just accepts utterly crap treatment. This guy will take pleasure in trashing who you are so much, that within 5 years you'll look in a mirror and wonder who you are.
Yes, you can live without him. But only if you're willing to get help and work on your severe lack of self esteem. Otherwise you'll just disappear in the eyes of the world, and become a woman who purely exists to slave after a crappy guy.
Don't become that woman. Leave this guy, who so clearly doesn't care that you exist, get some real help to work out why you are so willing to accept poor treatment, and find someone who respects who you are.
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