A
male
age
36-40,
*truluv
writes:Ok. So here's whats going on with me. Sorry if this ends up getting too long. A bit of background as to why I even ask this question. Typically I am the one helping my friends with this sort of thing. I mean, I'm going into couples counseling, but I also know that it is hard to view what's going on in a relationship without 3rd party perspective. I even ignore the same redflags that I tell my friends to look out for and ignore my own advice. Why? Because I'm a hopeless romantic and I want to believe there are still good people out there. :\ But anyway, back to my situation. I'm with a girl that I used to know in high school. We start off great! We have a lot more in common then I once thought, we agree on a lot of important things, she tells me a lot about whats happened in her past, and I open up to her completely. We fall in love. We even talk about marriage and a future together. I can't even remember the last time I've been this happy with someone! We've been together for quite a while now, but about a month ago a guy on her FB gives me a message that I should check out his inbox. He copy and pastes their entire conversation where I am mentioned by her as "just a FB guy" and a lot of flirting going on between them. I confront her about it and she tells me he must've added things to the conversation that weren't there. We make up, my trust in her gets rebuilt and then she admits to lying to me about a lot of important things we had talked about in the beginning of our relationship and to calling her extremely abusive ex boyfriend. She told me and even showed me what they talked about. I forgive her because it was only over the phone and it wasn't anything serious, but it hurts to know that she went to him with her problems when she kept telling me all she wants is a real relationship with me. Needless to say, my trust for her is broken again. So we've been hitting yet another rough patch and a couple of other guys have told me about how flirty she is, one in particular that I don't really want to go into detail, but it involves her telling this guy she would exchange dirty photos with him..As I look back on this and think about it all, I feel like a fool for staying with her. I would've told any of my friends to break up with her immediately. The problem is I actually fell for her, and I know it will hurt a lot to break up with her...but I would like someone else's input. :\
View related questions:
flirt, her ex, her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): She told you about her past so obviously her past is traumatic so you're dealing with a person that had abuse in the past so she keep on looking for that abuse. basically her personality has split into two ways her good self is attracted to you and her bad self sexual part of herself needs this drama. but I could be completely wrong here I'm just going off the one sentence that you said ''tells me a lot about whats happened in her past'' if her passed is that bad she probably needs therapy. don't try to be her therapist will end up shooting yourself trust me tried it and it doesn't work.
A
male
reader, 1truluv +, writes (13 June 2011):
1truluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNouvelle, thank you for helping me out. And to answer your question, no. Love isn't supposed to hurt like this. I shouldn't be losing sleep over this. Or becoming a depressed mess, ignoring the things I used to be interested in. It's taking it's toll on me. But I know I can come out of this. I've been through worse...I just want to believe that there is someone out there for me. Although I wear my heart on my sleeve, I've learned that its not really a bad thing. Sure I'll get hurt often, but someone will appreciate it. :) Thanks again.
...............................
A
male
reader, 1truluv +, writes (13 June 2011):
1truluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Rescuer for ur advice. :) And you are right. I really don't know how much more of it I can take. I doubt we will last through the end of the week. I think I create excuses for her. :\ Like, I've been hurt before many times, and because of that, I tend to be jealous, so in my mind sometimes, I'll chalk up what I can't proove to me just being jealous. Again thank you. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 June 2011):
 You are very welcome 1truLuv. My best wishes for your future happiness. If you know your destination it is easier to plan how to get there.
You know the kind of girl you want and so next time it should be easier to spot the kind of girl you deserve. Although still observe a little, at first, before you do give your heart to the girl you think is the one for you.
And you have seen the characteristics of the kind of girl who is not right for you. So you should be better able to spot the kind of girl to avoid next time.
...............................
A
male
reader, 1truluv +, writes (13 June 2011):
1truluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, thank you for your time and I think you are right. And I know you are right in what I want in a woman. I want a woman who will really love me for me; I want a woman who will be faithful with me. To be my best friend and my lover. Just as I would do in a relationship. I have always done that : found myself in a situation and thought. "Would I want to be with someone who deos this?" and acted accordingly. Thank you again Abella. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 June 2011):
You are not a fool. You fell for this girl. She stirred you inside your heart. But the girl is not exactly the girl you first thought she was.
Against your better judgement you want this girl to conform to the romanticized view you have built up of her. You bend your own rules to accomodate her antics.
And you have strong feelings for her.
But truly, in your heart, is she really truly reciprocating a similarly high level of feeling towards you?
She must have a lot of time on her hands, when she is away from you. How does she spend that time? Thinking about you? Imagining spending more time with you?
No. Well it's 'No' to me. From what I read .
Because I get a sense that she's in regular contact with other guys (plural). She's maybe no even over her ex. And what girl really in love with guy A (that's you) would ever contemplate sending out her picture or having long flirty discussions with to other guys B, C, and D? Girls in love don't do that to their guy A if they truly feel a lot for him.
There is no shame in breaking up. This girl is demonstrating over and over that you are not her sole focus. Does she just see you as good ol' reliable in the background A who does not stand up to her shenanigans?
Her past abusive relationship may be a clue. She may have grown to see as 'normal' that which is not acceptable in a relationship. Perhaps she should get some counselling if she thinks it OK to push the boundaries over and over again. . . . . Waiting for her partner to explode in anger at her behavior and then her promising to never do it again? But of course she will do it again. Then the build up of anger again, the explosion of anger, then i'll never do it again, and the kiss nd make up as evidence of commitment between her and the guy. Act like that and she will attract another abusive guy. It is not the way a real relationship ought to be.
This girl at present has you wrapped around her little finger. And others have noticed it and been appalled at what shw does behind your back. Others have tried to warn you. But you still want to believe that she is 100 per cent 'your girl'
I think you should step aside from her. It will hurt. But she is not acting like she is really 'into' you. She is looking for some excitement that she has not yet found on her journey to find a guy who excites her 24/7. A guy who is 'enough' for her so that she does not seek more outside the relationship.
Being the romantic you are you need to assess what you seek in a girl and what you will be able to offer a girl in return. I am sensing that you would prefer a one man girl. A faithful girl, one who actively wants to spend more real time with you. Who writes notes - love notes to you telling you how awesome you are. A girl who invites you to meet her folks. Who proudly introduces you to all and sundry as 'this is my boyfriend A' and says it with pride. In short a loving faithful romantic honorable equivalent of you, who is fascinated by you.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (13 June 2011):
Sounds to me like you have already answered your own question. The thing that I have learned in relationships is that if something seems fishy, there is probably a reason behind that. Seems to me that there probably was something going on with that FB guy and if multiple people are telling you bad things, what reason would they have to lie? What reason would these people have to want to break up your relationship? I have a hunch that she is the one who is lying in this equation and as much as it hurts, you have to ask yourself when someone lies to you repeatedly, can they truly love you? I know I would never lie to the person I truly loved. And while it's normal to have bumps in the road of your relationship, if this is something that happens frequently, maybe it's not meant to be. Bumps in the road are one thing, but the things you mention are more red flags waiving in your face. It hurts to think that the person you trusted and loved would behave that way.. I've been there, so I know first hand. But I also know that if someone loves you as much as they claim to, they would never intentionally hurt you.. love is not supposed to hurt like that. Ya know?
...............................
A
male
reader, 1truluv +, writes (13 June 2011):
1truluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that in the conversations with the other guys shes been talking to, they've sent me proof of the conversation, one even let me breifly log in to his account to proove that it hadn't been altered. In these flirty conversations, she a COMPLETELY different person that the beautiful woman I see everyday..
...............................
|
