A
female
age
41-50,
*jen
writes:I met my boyfriend at work, he is a customer. We got along famously like old friends. I learn that he is seperated but I let the friendship continue even though I know I am attracted to him. I even gave him my phone number when he asked after about a month or so. Weeks go by with 2-3 hour phone calls, a growing friendship, and the desire to go further. We begin seeing each other outside of work. He has been seperated for 5 years, no children with his wife. Due to health problems and financial situations they have not split. We are living together now and my guilt is surfacing like mad. Along with the growing suspicion that he will never truly split from his wife. She calls him daily now that we live together and sends love letters in the mail. I feel like I am loosing my mind completely and he thinks that I am crazy for even letting it bother me. He prioritizes trying to help her financially as well as by being a friend. And although he seems finished with the marriage, she is not. And he allows her to carry on trying to wedge herself itno the new life he is trying to make. I know I have done something wrong by not waiting til the divorce was final. I am in love with this man and I don't know what to do. How much are you supposed to take in situations like this? Being divorced, I do understand the challenge in ending a 10 year marriage. I want to be with him but I don't want to loose myself in the process.
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female
reader, Millyella  +, writes (19 January 2007):
 I think the time has come for you to tell your boyfriend exactly what your priorities are in order for your relationship to work. It is obviously important to you that he formally finish his relationship with his wife; if he doesn't do this, then she will always have a little bit of hope that they can reconcile. I can't comprehend why it is taking so long for him to extricate himself from the situation anyway. YOU were married at one point, and i'm sure it wasn't easy agreeing on financial and property matters. But that's what you do when a marriage ends. Surely your boyfriend can understand why you wouldn't want his ex's finances put at the top of his priority list. And surely he can understand that you don't want her writing letters to him where you live.
He has to put you first if he is indeed finished with his marriage. I think five years is a long enough time to take to get out of something he didn't want to be in, don't you?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 January 2007):
 This all sounds pretty weird to me. A 5 year separation? Knowing this I wouldn't have moved in with the guy. I'd tell him to piss or get off the pot. 5 years...sheesh!
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