A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok... So i did something really bad. I snooped and found out my future mother-in-laws e-mail password and got into her e-mail. it was just to prove a point to my fiance. I know that I invaded her privacy so I really don't need anyone scolding me on that. So I found what I needed to prove to my fiance that his whole family really does hate me and that it's not just my imagination. And unfortunately it was worse then I thought. You see... I'm 20 and he's turning 23 soon. And it turns out from those e-mails that they all think that I ruined his life. That I've forced him to not follow his dreams. In his mother's words "I fucked him into fatherhood" We live in South Africa and his mom moved to Australia. Before my fiance met me he had planned on moving to Australia once he qualified in his studies, which is the end of next year. We haven't said the move is off the tables, and even his mother knows that. Me having the child never slowed down his studies at all, it just prevented ME from studying immediately after school. Now that he's thinking that he doesn't want to move because we're happy where we are, his mother is livid. At me. If these were once off e-mails I could understand. My mom was pretty angry at me at first. But these are on going e-mails between his mother and his entire family. About how my fiance has shunned his family mean time he never hears from them or sees them. When he does, we have to drop everything and run after them. His mom hadn't even come to see her grand daguther till she was 9 months. And money was not the issue either. Now she shows up and wants to baby sit mean time I know what she's been saying about me and the fact that I fell pregnant. I don't want to let he near my daughter. And my fiance's brother is coming up from england in about a week and now I know how he truely feels about me. He can't stand me. So my I read the emails to my bf to prove his family hates me and has no time for him and he's shocked and deeply hurt. He told me he can't even absorb what he heard but he's grateful that I helped him realise the truth. But his sister's 21st is coming up and his whole family are going to be there. I can't pretend it never happened but they also can't know what I did. My fiance and myslef live on his uncles property and this is where the 21st is... I was thinking of spending it in our flat but I don't think it's going to help me and my fiance can'tjust not go. Any suggestions? I feel awful that his family always seems to hurt him and that I let him know that but he says that he's glad he knows... I just don't know what to do from here.
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (9 March 2009):
 What was it they said? You can choose your friends but you are stuck with your family? But, in my experience, sometimes, just sometimes, it is the immediate family who you can go to get help and will help, if simply because of the "blood ties".
So, if I were you, in addition to Aunt Gina's suggestion, I would suggest that you make a strong case with your fiance that the both of you have "one voice" on this issue. If like you said he has come to realize how they do not appreciate nor respect you, he should also realize that by doing that, basically they too have disrespected him. Why? Because he chose to be with you and your daughter.
However, your fiance sounds like a good person, actually, still making sure that he shows his love and respect his parents and siblings. Unless he abuses you, I think you have a keeper there!
To me, it is obvious that they are the one with a problem. Not you. Not your fiance. So, after apologizing for your act of "snooping" into you future mother in laws email (you know, sometimes "gut" feelings are there for a reason), and he forgiving you, you can ask him to drop hints - very very subtle hints - that both of you (yes, the emphasis is on both of you, not just you or just him) know what they have been saying behind your back. And that he does not think it is nice. He does not have to say how he finds out about it of course. Then, you go on about your life ... do not let them "ruin" yours by thinking about it too much. It is not worth it. Show them that you two are the better person.
When I was in high school, I had an aunt who was always bad-mouthed me for some reason or other. My mother and I could never figured out. But, I remember my mother's surprised look when one day she tried to "apologize" to me for her sister's behaviour, and all I said was "But she's the one with the problems, right? Not me? So who cares?" and I just went about my own business not thinking about my aunt that much. And yes, they were stinking rich LOL
So the moral of the story is ... ignore as much as you can. You have your own family to take care of ... They live two continents and two oceans away ... In time they will see how good a person you are to their son and their grand daughter/children.
Don't worry .. be happy ;-)
Cat
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): Well first I would ask him what he wants to do as far as the party goes. If you end up going, you can be civil and then send them on their way. Lucky for you, you didnt move so their stay there will only be temporary and then they will go home. Lots of us have trouble with their in laws you just have to tough it out. You will be fine. If you end up going just dont stoop to their level. Kill them with kindness as the saying goes. You have a happy little family that you should be proud of. Best of luck to you.
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