A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so stuck with this. I don't know if I'm being over picky or if I'm being sensible.My partner of 2 years is brilliant. No, better than that, he's incredible! We met a few years ago through mutual friends and he made it obvious he liked me but rather than jump straight in, we became friends and stayed friends for a year or so before I realised how great he was and how silly I was being for 'friend zoning' him.He's the guy who opens doors, pulls out chairs, takes me on surprise shopping trips, suprise date nights etc. He's the guy who sends me cute messages, has flowers delivered for me at work. One night after id been poorly all week, I had a friend come round who bought me a bottle of wine and some chocolates to cheer me up. Id had a flu like bug and had no make up on, my hair scraped back and my old pyjamas and while we were led in bed that night he sent me a text saying 'seeing you tonight with no make up on, your scruffy hair and your favourite old pjs on, with a massive smile on your beautiful face, when you didn't even realise I was looking at you... That's when I realise how much I love you and how beautiful you are to me' he puts me first in everything - he literally worships the ground I walk on and I feel so lucky to have met someone who truly does adore me. I can't even begin to describe it!But..... He has a bad temper. Some nights he gets in from work and will start an argument for absolutely no reason. Sometimes he can get very snappy to the point that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him, almost scared. I've tried confronting him, ignoring him, seeing if he wants to talk etc, but nothing works. This only happened once or twice before, but now it's about once a week and it's making me so uncomfortable. He actually went to push me the other night but stopped himself. I don't know what to do. I love this man so much and I know he adores me, every single thing he does apart from this is beyond perfect but this one thing is threatening to spoil it. I really don't know that I'd find someone else quite like him and the way he feels about me but at the same time, I shouldn't be feeling scared by him should I?I'm so stuck
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 I admit that I don't quite get the logic of your post.
Your bf is abusive ( and potentially dangerous ) and scares you s...less. ( BE afraid. Be very afraid ). Of course he is not abusive all the time, not even a criminal maniac would be abusive all the time.
So,- when he is not being abusive, - your bf is nice, gives you flowers, compliments you,open doors, blah blah.
He is still abusive. And potentially dangerous. Period.
What would you think if I'd tell you " Oh ,my friend Bob is such a great friend, loyal, helpful, considerate, would give you the shirt off his back. And he is so funny, smart and amusing, the life of the pary ! really the best friend ever.
Sure, nobody is perfect, he's got his moments. Like, last week, he was in a bit of a bad mood, the mailman came- and Bob shot him dead, just like that. He did not want to be bothered with small talk.
And yesterday, that kid from the Boy Scouts, collecting offers. Eh yes, Bob shot him dead too. Sigh. Bad timing. You don't want to be around Bobwhen he's in a funk.
Other than that, he is a great guy, simply amazing ".
Wouldn't you think I am delusional, to talk this way ?...
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 I just don't get how this guy can be OH SO PERFECT... when he treats you that way. (even when it was "only" occasionally)
I also know that most women (8 out of 10) stays with a guy like this, because they REFUSE to accept that THIS is who he is, and what he does is NOT OK. It's EASIER to disregard the outbursts, and to stick you head in the sand.
DO NOT own his actions. THIS isn't your fault. HE is THIS way. Either because he grew up treating his mom this way and got away with it (if his mom was a single parent)or seeing his dad treat his mom this way. This is abusive behavior.
How is his relationship with his mom?
The fact that you mention NO WHERE that you two later on TALK about what happened and WHY he reacted that way. There is no explanation. My guess is YOU don't bring it up out of FEAR. You don't want to make him mad.
This happens ONCE a week. It will escalate.
My advice, is to leave. Tell him to seek help. My guess it you won't take that advice because you think he will stop himself from hurting you... That he will change for you. LOVE will change him...
If you are going to stay, then WALK away if he tries to pick a fight. Go stay with a friend (I would suggest a female one to not complicate this further) and ON a day he is in a decent mood, TALK to him. TELL him you are scared. TELL him it needs to stop. See what he says. If he tries to brush it off, or make you out to be CRAZY for thinking it's a big deal, then he will never ever change. If he ACCEPTS and OWN his actions and TALK to you about what he can do, finds himself a counselor/therapist/whatever then MAYBE there is hope.
Your post is like a "stereotypical definition" of an abusive relationship.
Just because he spoils you with surprise shopping sprees and other material goodies, doesn't mean YOU have to suck it up and take one for the team.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2014):
 no you should NOT be scared of your partner.
You should NOT have to walk on eggshells.
IF he can't see that his anger is a problem and agree to get help for it then I'm sorry he's not the perfect man.
DO you see how it's escalating... first it was
once or twice... because he was on his best behavior.
Now he's at the losing his temper once a week or so
and the other day it nearly went to the next level which is physical violence.
Sadly with this problem you have a big choice to make...
you can try to get him to change... but if he does not see a problem with his behavior then he won't have a desire to change it.
You must give him consequences to his behavior that are strong enough to motivate him.
"honey I love everything about you and us but your temper scares me and I'm afraid if we don't get it under control soon I will have to end our relationship"
then you have to figure out how to help him
anger management?
therapy?
he will need to be open to both of those more than likely to work through why he gets so angry and how to find new coping mechanisms so that you are not afraid of him and he is not behaving badly with anger.
leaving a man with anger management issues before he kills or hurts you is not picky it's sensible.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (18 July 2014):
 We get so many posts on here that say the same thing: "Apart from my boyfriends temper, aggression and frightening bouts of anger, he is perfect in every way, loves me deeply and does anything to help me."
Being scared of a partner is a deal breaker. Regardless of how perfect and wonderful he is the rest of the time. He went to push you then managed to stop himself. Well that control wont last forever and soon you will be on the receiving end of physical, as well as the already present emotional, abuse.
Should you be feeling scared of him? Hell no! If he loves you he wouldn't be aggressive, have to restrain himself from pushing you and wouldn't frighten you like this. He has a BIG problem that will only get worse if he doesn't accept he has a serious issue and does something to help prevent it.
The problem we get so many times on here is that women like yourself loose a sense of perspective because 90% of the time or more their partner is so loving, kind, understanding and so on. Trouble is, doesn't matter how much he worships the ground you walk upon, opens doors for you or makes you feel amazing, he is getting close to striking you. Nobody who is in an abusive relationship thinks their partner will hit them. Then it happens and they make excuses, put it down as being a one off, blame their upbringing, problems at work, or say "its not him its his problem that's doing it".
Please don't end up like that.
You say he is incredible, perfect, amazing, your so lucky to have him...really? Then why does he come home and scare you and treat you like shit? This started as being an occasional experience, now its once a week and he is having to hold back from pushing you. Most abusive partners are Mr Wonderful 90% of the time and become monsters who are out of control for 10% of the time. Please don't consentrate on that 90% and leave this guy NOW before you end up being punched, kicked and thrown around like a doll.
Im shocked you ask if you are being too picky. In no way are you being too picky!! I think you are being naïve and blinded by the fact that the rest of the time he acts like he is putting you on a pedestal. In fact some of the things you describe about him make him sound less than perfect, and as though he has an unhealthy insecurity in the relationship that you see as him showering you with love.
You know deep down that this is going to get worse. Get out now before you end up battered and destroyed.
Mark
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (18 July 2014):
This is so sad. I have been through something similar. Hopefully he is not trying to control you and your life? Keep an eye open on increasing attempts o do this. It may start with making you feel uncomfortable about seeing friends, or what you spend etc. Often this type of behaviour includes control. Being super nice to make a person depend on them, confusing things with control or possibly violence. Remorse for something bad done. Peace for a while then around it goes again. It gets harder and harder to leave as you lose your self belief, think you are going mad, don't want to believe it is true, forgive this time. It just gets worse and worse. Look up abusive relationships. If he ever touches you, leave. The only way to address this problem is with psychiatric help and abusers rarely admit they need this. I hope I am wrong, but I don't like the sound of this situation.
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A
female
reader, fitbabe1987  +, writes (18 July 2014):
if he's pushing you now, even if he stopped, then it's only a matter of time before he hits you, punches you and threatens you. tell him he needs counselling to work through his issues..
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 You should be picky. Tell him that he needs to learn how to regulate his emotions. He might need a tranquillizer or cognitive therapy. If you live together then may be you want to move out for a while until his issues get sorted. Tell him you are not breaking up with him but his stress is stressing you out and you two can't find anything that solves the problem. If moving out is not an option then be very vigilant every night and be aware of any tension before it escalates into an argument. Refuse to argue and just simply leave the room until he can calm down.
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